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Giselle Ann Tinte Jun 14, 2020

"..you are always strong and silent that people forget you are suffering too."

To be honest, I don't really know how you can deal with everything that's happening to you especially when you are the "go to" person of everyone. How do you handle those things, do u have a superpower? You are the person who is always there when someone is in a rough day. You are always there to listen on their unending rants. You are there to make them smile with your corny and witty jokes. You are there when someone wants a shoulder to cry on.

It makes me wonder, who is there when you need help? I worry that people might take you for granted. People might abuse your kindness, and worst is they might hurt you emotionally. But then, you still smile. You don't care what may happen, you still have the energetic face and strong aura to face them. It makes me think, why are you doing this? Did someone hurt you in the past that you don't want others to feel it? What are the reason behind that strong aura that you always show to people? I know you won't spill it, but let me tell you this.

Sometimes, you don't always have to be there to everyone. You don't need to always answer their calls or reply to their messages. You don't have to be generous all the time because to tell you frankly, your kindness might break you. People might walk over you. I want to telll you that not all people are precious like you who always forgive and forget. You aren't required to be there always. You also need to leave a room for yourself. Kindness is good but if peole are already taking you for granted, you need to stop and leave. Take a break.

People won't call you selfish if you prioritize yourself. Learn to love yourself first because no one will help you in that battle, it is just you and you. Again, it is okay to feel vulnerable. It is okay not to be there 24/7. It is okay not be with them always. Take a time for yourself. Take a break from this chaotic world and just listen to your favorite song or read a good book...because trust me, you need this... For you are always strong and silent that people forget you are suffering too.

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I was, but I am not. Desperately, I am trying to reach you – my hope. I am in this particular space in my own constructed world where doubts and frustrations recur. Emphasizing how scared I am being here, I never explored this area before. I was always in those places filled with benevolence, hope shining like the light the sun and the moon possess. And I didn’t have any plans to visit a ‘dark’ place, as how I described it then. But, as funny as how my world suddenly flipped, I am now here, completely lost with monsters persuading me to go insane.

How did I end up here? I can’t logically tell you the answer for that, but I guess, I know when. It started when I had to consider what college course do I want to pursue. Well, if you want to ask what ambition had occurred in my mind when I was young – which is usually the case in terms of life when you were like 7-year-old young - it was definitely being a doctor. I’d thought about wearing a medical coat with a stethoscope around my neck, ready to cure people from their illnesses. It was actually stuck in my mind for so long I almost thought that I was sure of it, yet, as a particular song yields, almost was never really enough and still, it is and will never be.

When I realized that such a perspective was slowly draining me, I tried my best to stand tough. I convinced myself that this was just temporary, that I could think of a way out of this. “There’s still plenty of time,” I once convinced myself. However, my environment demonstrated the contrary: I felt like I was completely out of time.

I was there when my classmates were happily talking about that ‘dream course’ they wish to take in their ‘dream university.’ I was there when my family was suggesting the thought of using my ‘suitable’ speaking voice for broadcasting and voice acting purposes. I was there when my teacher was convincing me that Education suited me the best. That ‘Stand tough!’ aura I used to own back then, suddenly transformed into ‘I give up!’ state, slowly destroying my being. And now, I am here in this space where doubts and frustrations are filling my former enthusiastic self. I need help.

I know, at this point, some of you may never consider me ‘fatal’ because, as you’re reading this, you may judge that I still have the ability to transform my thoughts into words that can be read, so that ‘automatically’ falls into the aspect of complete sanity. No, because I will never tell everything to you in the first place if I still have the urge to stand like I used to, relative to my belief that speaking up through writing is the best way to attract help.

When you look at the photo of mine above, you may say that I was okay. That I was successful. That I was never losing myself. Yes, I was. But, think about what happened days after that was taken and the message of this passage you started reading minutes before, do you think I am still the same girl smiling in the photo? I hope I will be or better yet, improve if the world will permit me. But, now I’m sure – I’m not the same.

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