Hi. These are just my thoughts that I put into words during this quarantine. I also miss the beach so much so I'm attaching the photo I took during my last beach trip. Thanks and stay safe! ???? ----
Lately, it has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. You were happy and then you just found yourself feeling empty and lost the next day. Sometimes, it occurs all at once. All the aversion and the doubts, the frustration, the feeling of not feeling anything but sadness. It's all gonna drown you. And it's not gonna be easy. You're gonna question all that you're doing- if in any case, you're achieving anything or if you're succeeding with the path that you take. You wonder if you're now heading to the right direction or still lost and wandering. We all fight these kind of thoughts and struggles.
In life, you can never be happy and content at all times. All the broken pieces will remain to be broken. You're still gonna breakdown at some point; you're still gonna cry. But don't be hopeless. Even though life is throwing you with so many reasons to give up, please fight. Don't be hopeless. I'm gonna agree with you, if you'll say "it's not easy" But none of the things that are worthwhile in life is ever easy.
I wish you well.
Sometimes we cannot tell anyone what we feel, and think. It's hard especially when you do not want anyone around you to worry. Why not turn your feelings and thoughts into something creative, like a poem? That's what I did several years ago while going through some hard times during my college years.
Here's a sample:
College has started.
I was excited since then.
Meeting new people,
And creating more friends.
Different schedules every semester,
Sometimes overload, sometimes not.
New classmates every subject,
Some may be friends, some may not.
But the excitement disappears
When the pressure gets in.
Stress finds its way
To ruin my system.
Countless sleepless nights
Countless cramming days
When exams are getting nearer
You’ll maybe experience those.
For an average student like me
It’s so hard to settle things.
Though you tried your best,
Still you feel being a failure.
Sometimes giving up became a choice;
Sometimes dropping became an idea.
But what‘s with those ideas?
They’ll never be an option.
The feeling that you want to stop,
The same feeling that you want to finish.
They are all stuck in your mind,
Like you’re giving up but cannot.//
Have you been on this kind of state as well? If yes, I hope you find healing from this. Yes, nothing in this world seems easy but we can still find a way out and deal with our feelings in every creative way we can. Fighting!
I TURNED MY INSECURITIES SOMETHING POSITIVE!
Have you ever felt insecure about yourself? Have you ever felt unsatisfied with your physical form? Have you ever looked in the mirror and never liked what you see in front of it? That is what I have felt for the past few months. It is normal for us to feel insecure about ourselves.Insecurities are the things that we find wrong, physically, mentally, socially, sexually, holistically. It is something that makes us anxious and feel less confident therefore affecting us mentally. It affected me for years but the worst one was last 2019. I felt that I was never enough for myself. I felt that I was force feeding myself and felt ugly with my own body. This type of insecurity made me feel anxious about my body.
For the past few months I lost 4 kilograms of my weight. Considering my height (which is 5’9” ft) I am already underweight because now I weigh around 53 kilograms. I didn’t quite take care of myself for the past months because I was stressed and under pressure. I became very insecure when some people told me I look like a stick, that I look malnourished and unhealthy. Some people used to make fun of my weight and told me I don’t have a plump butt or at least average boobs. I am just flat. I may look confident walking down with my high heels around the hallway but I tell you, I’m actually not.
People kept telling me they wanted to have a body like mine. They told me how lucky I am to be tall and skinny. They told me they wanted to have a waist just like mine. They told me they wanted to be as tall as me. They told me they wanted to have a body figure like mine but to be honest I didn’t like how tall I am and how skinny my body is. I look really thin. I look sick and I am not satisfied with what body I have. At first I found myself being comfortable in baggy clothes that make me look bigger because it tones my body shape and covering my skin makes me feel more secure. Time passed by and I began to dress up in clothes that show my collar bones, waist, and legs. Time after time, I slowly accept myself by wearing these types of clothes and it makes me feel different and powerful.
It made me feel confident. Then I found beauty in my body when I started taking pictures of it. I took a picture of myself in front of the mirror wearing a skirt and an off shoulder top and kept telling myself that I am beautiful. Sometimes, when I take a pic of myself wearing lingerie, I look at myself and I feel very confident and powerful. It may look lewd to others but I feel empowered in this type of outfit. Looking into the mirror and looking at my body makes me embrace what I have. I started to treat my body through pictures like it was an art, a masterpiece and I am proud of it. I also wanted to post my pictures in the media to promote body positivity because there is always beauty and art in our bodies.
Recently, I’ve been working out during quarantine to keep my body in shape and to relax my mind. I do pep talks in the mirror which boost my charisma and confidence about myself that I should accept myself and I could also change the negativity in me into something positive.
These are two of my sketches during those times when I'm battling hard with my mental illness, during the times when I'm keeping everything as a secret. I was battling on my own. These drawings were thrown away when my parents found out I was diagnosed with some mental illness. It was heartbreaking that they threw them away. Only this picture and a printed copy of these remained as memories to me. They thought it would be helpful to remove "toxic" stuff around me that's why therly threw this away, but I'm a hoarder, these ain't belong to those "toxic" sfuff. And I just want to share these to you guys. To all people who are battling their own demons everyday, diagnosed or not. You are not alone. You are loved. ?????????
TOWARDS A MENTALLY HEALTHY 2020
Mental health is a gem and should be given the same attention as physical health. Myths regarding mental health remained and prevailed throughout the years. Sadly, mental health itself is not a prevalent issue in the Philippines because of the heart-rending stigma that this matter only encompasses “crazy people” and those who have serious mental issues. Well, years had passed but lack of knowledge and orientation is what the system and most of us lack.
According to PhilStar (2019) 3.3 million Pinoys suffer from depression. The high ranging rates of mental illnesses should serve as an eye-opener to everyone that no matter how big or small it is, it matters. Citing a 2017 World Health Organization, eight in every 100,000 Filipinos commit suicide. Simple helplessness and hopelessness might end up in a terrifying situation and a dead-end choice.
Mental health’s broad horizon is not only depression, illnesses, and suicide. It is also small things like mood, anxiousness, stress, phobia, grief and many more. Old Tradition and myths should be corrected. We should normalize the idea that everyone should have access to programs, facilities, and activities without any judgments and condemnation.
Your mental health is your ocean — deep, majestic yet dangerous and so, some people are drowning in it. We should learn how to go along, strive and swim with the waves of life. We should also lend a hand to other people because a simple act could save a life – we are all capable of saving a life! The complexity of human behavior and emotions are difficult to understand because every single soul is unique and fathomless, thus, we should always be kind. Always ask ourselves whenever we act towards other people we must answer the question “Is it kind and necessary?”.
The goal of healthy mental health starts from within. Be that ray of sunshine that will shine light upon everyone to achieve a mentally healthy not just 2020 but rest of the coming years too!
*Minor edits have been made by the Candy team
How is This Pandemic Treating You?
I don’t understand why does our country not prioritizing mental health as it should be? This is a difficult time for everyone. I do hope we can be of help to others, by checking up on them, listening with each other and letting our hearts share with one another.
A few nights ago, I decided to check in with a couple of my friends to see if they were doing alright amidst the pandemic. I really am interested to know how they are coping, if they are alright, or if they are still able to balance themselves. I miss them a lot and I really hope to see them very soon. I got their replies and reflected on it. I have checked up on friends’ mental health and it’s not looking too good.
With the stress of online requirements, as well as the continuous rise of numbers of those infected, and the unclear future of what will happen tomorrow; adding to it are personal problems as well, it seems too difficult to keep our sanity intact. There are friends who cannot function properly at home due to having online classes despite this crisis we are experiencing. It’s becoming difficult to focus on such tasks and I have to agree with what they said that we are merely just complying with the given tasks, and we’re not really learning from it anymore. Instead of just being with your family, you are to sit at your desk and finish the tasks to meet its deadlines.
We paid for quality education, to obtain skills and knowledge that we can use for a brighter tomorrow. But because of the inevitable, it has then become a burden. We aren’t receiving what is best for us and for our future. There are also who cannot seem to find peace in their homes, because of personal problems. I have also put a burden on myself with everything that is happening. My mental health is suffering. It has become too difficult to stay focused and continue doing whatever that is that I have to accomplish.
A few days after classes was suspended, I was so sure that I’d be fine, because I don’t really go out often and I enjoy being in my room more often with every materials that I truly enjoy. But I realized that I am not doing so well after all, I find myself suffering more silently in this supposed, comfort of my home. It was suffocating; it’s frustrating, and exhausting. Not everyone has means of coping up in this vulnerable time. Everyone seems to be wallowing in the dark, succumbing to the darkness and sadness forming up in their heads --anxiety and depression are slowly draining them. It’s all clear that nothing else is helping to prevent such. It’s not just going to stop like that. It’s a saddening truth that our mental health is suffering, but it seems that we can’t do anything about it, but to only to keep on going.
Everyone has a role to play in this crisis. I encourage everyone to check up on their loved ones; no, check up on anyone else too. It’s not creepy to leave a message, or perhaps a note hoping that they’re doing alright. Let’s not take anyone else for granted. In these trying times, we can’t afford to lose any more people, whether it is because of the virus or mental health illness.
#Quaranthings: Coping During Quarantine I'm certain that most of us go through stress this quarantine season. For the past few days, I've been facing episodes of panic attacks and mood swings, so I figured maybe it's about time to find ways on how to cope with stress while at home. Here are random sketches of mine that I did while coping. I never realized how much I can draw random things until this quarantine came. Every time I experience a panic attack, I try my best to draw. I hope everyone's okay! I know this must be a difficult time for all of us, and I can't emphasize enough how much I want this COVID-19 outbreak to end. At the end of the day, let us be reminded that this will end, and we can all hug each other again. Stay safe and hydrated!
The art of staying calm.
Every time my cellphone dings, I feel a sudden jolt in my heart that vibrates throughout my body like a shock. This feeling started when I went to college, an abrupt anxiety kicks in my mind whenever I receive a notification, my mind suddenly becomes flooded with thoughts of school requirements and quizzes sent by my group mates that are left undone. It haunts me like a little girl who’s afraid of a folklore ghost, then came running to her mom as a refuge to hide, except for me bed became my safety net. Sleeping turns into hibernation, pillow turns to mountains, and blanket turns to clouds until I’m on cloud nine.
My room became a fortress and it protected me from outside forces, but when the big bad wolf blew it, it fell so easily like it was built from a cotton, like my emotion so tender and so delicate. I realized that sleeping and locking myself into my room doesn’t prevent the reality to slap me in the face, when in fact doing that make things even worse. Whenever I lock myself, my mind automatically turns into a dark state wherein I can feel the void and emptiness of my life and when that sink in to my thoughts it will spread like a wild fire until it burns down my last barrier of protection.
My routine became my habit, because it’s handy I sleep then the next morning I forget. But it does not solve the problem, it’s a temporary band-aid that covers the surface but not the pain. When we have fresh wound, we tend to put band-aid right away without really cleaning it up because it’s less painful and much faster. As we forget about the wound, it becomes infected then it starts to rot affecting other parts of our body. That’s what happen to me when I wallowed in my room and dream-off my problem, my whole-body rots alongside with my emotions eating me slowly.
I tried different approaches as to how I would conquer this toxic solution I came up with. I admit it was not easy, sometimes when one experiment fails, I go back to sleeping until I come running back to that cycle again. Until one day I decided to wake up earlier than my usual time of getting up, I started my day with a music, it definitely soothes my thoughts then later I fixed my bed. I opened the curtains and let the sunlight to penetrate my room, then I prepared my breakfast and lastly took a shower. For the first time in forever I felt fine, no worries nor pain just fine. But reality isn’t magic, it took time to heal myself and for sure took time to be used to with that routine.
It took months of practicing and pep talks to continue what I developed, though it is worth the wait. Being calm and collected doesn’t come in one snap, it takes battles like constant fight with your fear of worry. Healthy environment coincides with healthy mind, we have to built a routine that will makes us feel good and friends that will be there for us. I hope whoever reading this will someday be okay, I know it’s not easy but you’ll get there I promise I m a living testament. Good luck!
Why It’s Okay to Take a Break
There will always be days when we get persnickety, whether it’d be at work or in school. We fuss over the smallest details and hustle to capture every mistake. There are times when we succumb to our failures and allow them to swallow us whole. In hindsight, our fear of making mistakes sometimes brings us to make even more. Throughout the course of our journey to perfection, we often forget to take a break and just breathe. Instead, we overanalyze and overthink. As a result, we see mistakes where there are none and lose our perspective in the process. Relax When things get overwhelming, step back and regroup. Don’t work yourself to exhaustion. On her retirement year, a friend once told me that no one will refuse to build a statue or give a medal to someone who says, “I’m tired.” Nor will one be made or given to those who say “I’m fine” but could actually no longer study or work. If you feel burnt out, take a few hours to yourself. Watch TV, listen to music, get a mani/pedi, or eat out. Do activities that will take your mind off your worries for a while. Your books and your work will always be there tomorrow, ready for you. It’s best to make sure that you’ll be there for them, too. Rewire Taking a break also allows you to see your little accomplishments that are often overshadowed by your mistakes.
When you feel pressured and disappointed when you don’t do things well, list down all the small things you did right. At times, your needed break comes from the assurance that your little successes are not invalidated by your mishaps. Encourage yourself to think positively. Rewire your negative thoughts into constructive lessons that can push you to do better the next time around. Refresh Remember when they said that Rome was not built in a day? It wasn’t, and so are many things in the world. Nothing great was created in mere hours, without time for breaks or brainstorming. When you get tired, stop and sleep it off.
Allow yourself to process what you’ve done so far and think of your next move. A night of good sleep is a much needed mental vacation for you tireless creative mind. Take a deep breath, and bring a fresh outlook and a positive mood to your next task. When you get busy and stressed out from your usual routine, mix things up a bit by taking a break. The time off can clear your mind. It may even give you the answers you’re looking for.#
Since the lock-down has forced us to stay at home, its normal for us to resort to just bumming around the whole day and being tempted to eat more than we usually do. I feel that its important for us to take care of our body by giving even a small amount of our day by doing something active. As a Psychology major, I've learned that doing any form of exercise consistently does wonder for your mental health! Personally, I'm a gym rat who loves to lift weights but now that most establishments are closed, I had to be creative. Today, I tried using water gallons as a substitute for my weights and I'm definitely gonna keep using them throughout the quarantine. I feel that you can use other belongings in your house as well such as a backpack full of books or even a hamper full of laundry. I encourage everyone to make the most out of the free time that you have from this lock down.
To the Person Who Does Not Know Any 1D Song
By: CJ Reyno
Never in my wildest dream I imagined to meet someone who does not know a single One Direction song or who does not even know, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne, Niall Horan, and err… Zayn Malik. How did you spend your teenagehood without listening to their songs? The disrespect to my #StyPayHorLikSon. My initial reaction, Vas Happenin’?
Since I was 12 years old, that was way back on 2012, One Direction songs have been my official life soundtrip, my go-to songs whenever I feel happy, sad, mad, excited, and etch. I can still remember how people went crazy just to attend their concert here in the Philippines. I must admit, I was one of those. LOL. The group was also dubbed as, “The Biggest Boyband in the World”. They were an era. You really left me in awe when you told me that you do not know a single One Direction song. Their songs are gold. But I was a little hopeful when a new messaged popped up on our conversation, “Hey I know one, Make You Beautiful”.
You do not know how my world collapsed after reading your message. I would like to say that I appreciate the effort, thanks, but they do not have a song entitled, Make You Beautiful, because it is, What Makes You Beautiful. I tried to explain but you said that they are just the same. (Tip: Never fight with a Directioner when it comes to this because we will not let our guards down). No! They are not the same. How can you make this big mistake? LOL. What Makes You Beautiful is One Direction’s debut song. Almost everyone knows this, “you’re insecure, don’t know what for,” ring a bell? The music video of this surpassed 1 billion views on Youtube. On my 21 years of existence, you are the very first person who told me this “I-Thought-It-Was-A-Joke-But-You-Are-Serious” statement.
As a persuasive fangirl, I thought to myself that I should make you appreciate their music, that you should know that it is What Makes You Beautiful, not Make You Beautiful. The group may be in hiatus but their music is and will always remain superior. You are hard-headed lad. We even when to the point where you challenged me to treat so I can make you watch their music video. Am I even surprised that I agreed to this? HAHA. I feel like an agent trying to persuade her customer to buy a property on our company. You do not know how happy I was when you sent me your video listening to What Makes You Beautiful. I felt like I successfully closed a deal with my client. Not to exaggerate but I really jumped because of happiness after watching your video. It was the first message I checked that morning. Thank you for your effort, so much appreciated. Funny how our conversation starts with your innocence on One Direction until it goes deeper and last longer. Up All Nigh conversations which turned to almost Midnight Memories. Ironic how a Directioner had developed an admiration on someone who dislikes her favorite boys? Just like One Direction’s song, Change My Mind, “Never felt like this before. Are we friends or are we more?” I guess, like Liam’s line on Love You Goodbye, “It's inevitable everything that's good comes to an end. It's impossible to know if after this we can still be friends.”
I was happy that I made you listen to One Direction. At least I made you appreciate and made you aware that there is a song called, What Makes You Beautiful, not Make You Beautiful. I am happy that you already found your Girl Almighty. Wish me luck on finding my Summer Love. xoxo, Your Directioner friend
Here's a fan art that I made for Lee Joo Young of Itaewon class! I've been making digital illustration since last year and I'm happy that I was able to see my improvements. I'm also happy to see people's reactions and support for my craft even though all of it are made through my phone (adobe illustrator) only ????. You don't actually have to use expensive or complicated medium as long as you know how to be creative and like what you're doing, then you can do it. ????