7PM: At this point, you're just glad you were able to find your way home and into your bedroom. You've been thinking about The Talk with your ex (it's going to take a lot of getting used to referring to him as an ex), rehearsing every line you're going to tell him to your friends for weeks and weeks. Today, you finally did it. You finally told him that your relationships not working anymore and you need to break up with him.
What happened a few hours ago is stilly blurry in your head. Right now, you're just wondering if he got home safe or if he's alright. "Of course he's not okay," you tell yourself. "You broke his heart. How would you even be okay after that?" Of course. He is not. But you wish he's getting by just fine anyway.
Your mom tells you it's time for dinner, but you tell her you're fine. That you're going to finish writing your papers and studying for your exams first. But instead, you spend the next few minutes lying on your bed and feeling like you're about to throw up. Did you just really break up with him?
9PM: You're itching to send him a message, ask him if he got home safe. For four years, you've been so used to checking up on him. You've also been so used to receive good night messages with a sweet I love you in the end. But tonight, you think to yourself, is going to be different.
You're wondering if you've made the right decision. You're wondering if you should just get back together with him. You're wondering if it was a mistake to let him go because you don't feel anything at all. Most of all, you're wondering why you haven't heard from him yet? Is he cutting off your connection right away?
11PM: You woke up from a few minutes of sleep and for a moment, you don't know what happened or where you are. You thought you were dreaming but realize later on that this is real life; you actually broke up with your boyfriend of four years.
There's a message in your phone telling you he's sorry for the things he's done that caused you pain, that it was a wonderful four years for him, and that he wishes you nothing but the best. How can he be so nice after you broke up with him? You'd take anything from him, just not this niceness he's always had so you'd stop feeling guilty for hurting a guy that everyone could only ever dream of.
2AM: You can't sleep. You've been tossing and turning in bed, then the tears suddenly come when you realize that you don't know what you're going to do in the morning. You've gotten so used to having him around that you haven't really thought of how connected your lives have been in those four years together.
How is tomorrow going to be? Will he still drop by your house to pick you up? What will you tell your classmates? How will you concentrate in class when all you can think about at this point is how much things are going to change that you end up wondering if you can handle all of them?
You wanted to test the waters, you said. You wanted to see if there's more to life than what you've had, you said. Your heart yearned to explore and go to places, you said. You don't know if he's really the guy you'd want to end up with, you said. But what if there's nothing more to this? What if the life you'll be living with him was the life you're really meant to live? What if he's the only person who can take your flaws and you let him go?
You break down in tears. You cry as silently as possible in your bed, because you know you'll wake up your sister next door if you cried as loud as you needed to. You try your best to stop crying, breaking and yet you know this is just the beginning. And you're scared. Scared as hell.