To the Guy Who Made Me Feel Like I Was Never Enough
I remember that late night I told you about my biggest dreams. I spilled everything I've ever yearned for, almost never stopping to think. I felt like my heart was going to burst when I introduced you, for the very first time, to the person I wanted to be—she's beautiful, and funny, and smart, she makes art every day.
I saw the reflection of my bright eyes in yours as I walked you through the places I wanted to see. In that moment, I imagined myself buying fresh flowers at a Paris back alley. I held your hand as Paris turned to New York and New York turned to London not because I'm afraid of getting lost but because I wanted to take you with me. My heart caved in in surrender, folded like origami as I admitted how scared I was to wake up thirty years from now in a bed made up of unaccomplished aspirations and regrets. I was holding my breath the whole time I was professing how much my dreams meant to me. I felt the need to whisper them so that only you could hear them. Because knowing all my dreams would mean exploring the deepest chasms of my heart and I know that some people are allergic to dust, and darkness, and solitude.
I don't remember ever pausing for air, but I never seemed to run out of breath. My mind was racing and my head was way up above the clouds caught up in all the promise and uncertainty of what's to come. That was when I needed you to hold me close against your chest to keep me from drifting too far away from the things I'm supposed to be reaching for. That was when I needed you to drown me in the warmth of your embrace, making sure I was safe from my own thoughts. That was when I needed you to tell me that my dreams aren't pipe dreams and that you believe in them as much as I do.
I was saying all these under my breath because they're only meant for you to hear, but I guess you just weren't listening.
I remember that late night I wore myfavorite sundress. My French braid took four attempts. I'm sorry for being late for dinner. I remember how we sang along to Snow Patrol on the way home. I remember how I prayedthat you'd take the longest route possible because I didn't want to say goodbye. You never did. You also never told me I was beautiful. Not that night, never when I needed you to. I told myself one too many times that maybe you're just waiting for the right moment; biting your tongue in the middle of our conversations to keep the sweetest words from slipping right out of your mouth. I was searching your eyes the whole time looking for evidence that those words existed inside your head and that you are just waiting for me to draw it out for you. I started listening to your every breath because maybe the statement was a faint whisper I was not picking up.
I have pushed the mute button on all the turmoil and increased the volume in this universe for two. I still heard nothing.
You never told me the things I wanted to hear from you. But maybe I'm just not the girl that will fit your words perfectly. Maybe my accomplishments are not enough for your "I am proud of you." Or my embrace not warm enough for your "I want to stay here forever." Maybe I'm not amazing enough for your "I'm so lucky to have you" or pretty enough for your "You're so beautiful." Maybe I'm just not worthy of your "I love you" and that's perfectly fine.
Someday I will find the person whose words would feel like my own skin. I will cling to his "I'll always be here for you" because he will mean it every time. I know I would get an "I am proud of you" at the end of every day even if I only crossed out half of the things on my to-do list. He will make sure that I'll wake up to "You're so beautiful" even on days I don't feel like it at all. I may not be worthy of his "I love you" but he'd say it over and over until it's the only thing that's true.
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Outdoors Danielle Flestado @artdkf | May 1, 2020 "I miss the outside world. The last time I went outside of our house was on my birthday. We just bought coffee across our village and went back home immediately. This painting made me feel that I'm in a field, just appreciating the beauty of God's creation. Can you imagine the green grass and pink flowers?"
When everything around you suddenly turns dark, the first thing we'd prolly do, as humans, is to find and grab anything that is closest and nearest to us. We'll hold onto them for as long as we can, trying to collect ourselves and gather courage to adjust our eyesights to the pitch black environment that's consuming us minute by minute. And then you'd hear nothing. Your sense of hearing would somehow go off after not seeing anything for quite awhile. You'll let loose. Cry. Panic. You'll be exhausted for fighting your way out. Then just when you're about to stop and give up, you're no longer afraid. There's only this deafening silence and pithole of darkness that's gonna eat you up alive. And surprisingly, you'll make a home out of it.
You'll make a home out of the darkness that when a ray of light suddenly hits you, you'll try to avoid it. You'll try to cover your eyes. You'll try to cover your ears from the voices trying to help you get out of it. You'll try to hide because your mind and body will go against your will to come out and live. Because the darkness that used to scare you, now comforts you in a way you thought has helped you survived life. And you'll try to live. Day by day. In the darkness. Not knowing where to go. Not knowing where to start. Not knowing who is with you. You will try to live until the darkness that once surrounds you is now within you. And everyday, it's gonna be a cycle of subtle torture. But let me tell you a secret. The darkness won't make you whole.
You'll be broken. And in those hair-like cracks, the light will stubbornly fight its way through until it warms you up. Until you realize to check the switch and turn it on. Until you allow other people to help you find your way back in the light. Until you realize you're ready to live in light again. There's a light at the end of this long and dreading tunnel. The only question that matters: will you let them in?
I always thought of life, like a bead where each piece makes it worth sewing together with other piece of beads to make a stronger bond and to create a beautiful result. Today, how do we bond well with different people especially this difficult time? As this day challenges us to a new normal, may we continue to bead along positively with our life.