To the Guy I Secretly Loved All Throughout High School

Sometimes silences and loving from afar are enough.
by Ayessa De La Peña   |  Mar 22, 2015
PHOTO Patrick Martires, MODEL Elena Ortega
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I looked at you for the last time as you grinned and laughed in the middle of everybody. You looked up and looked at the falling confetti, a sign that the celebration has ended and that all of us can live in the moment now. You start to make your way out of the crowd. I didn't know if I should run to you and talk to you for the last time, congratulate you for earning those medals, and ask you about your plans in college, or just let you have that moment. Four years later, you and the thought of you still make me gasp for air and make my hands cold and sweaty out of nervousness. Four years later, the sight of you is still one of my favorites and I guess, it will always be.

Just four years ago, I saw you wearing that frightened look on your face when we were first called for attendance in class. You were as confused as I were. You, too, didn't know what was going to happen in the next four years of our lives in this new place, with a whole bunch of new people. But I knew when I first saw you that you were going to make your home in a huge portion of my heart.

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The first time we talked, one of the very few moments we did, I was speechless. And even though it didn't look like I had a great time even if you just asked me what our homework for Science was, I did have a great time. That moment is carefully wrapped in fancy paper and tucked in a corner of my journal. It was one of those moments I just don't want to lose. We were always passing by each other inside the classroom or along the hallways. You'd sometimes catch me staring at you, but of course I made sure I looked away quickly just so it won't be awkward for the two of us.

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When my best friend told me that you had a girlfriend on our sophomore year, I was devastated. I almost cried when she told me the news, but I stopped myself. Why am I even so invested in someone I haven't really talked to? I saw you the next few days walking around school, eating lunch and recess, and even answering homeworks together. It was a painful sight, especially because I had to see it every day. But that doesn't mean that I was glad when you broke up the following year. Rumors said she was cheating on you and I felt a little mad at her. How could she just throw away and brush aside someone some people (like me) have always wanted. You wore a pained and lost expression on your face the next few weeks and months. According to my friends, you never really got over your ex. The incident gave you trust and relationship issues and I can't really blame you for that.


On our senior year, you still weren't "linked" to anybody. I just noticed how busy you were at school. It's either your head was buried in a book or in notebooks or you're practicing for football team. You distanced yourself from anybody and it pains me a little knowing that my chances of talking to you were getting thinner and thinner.

Grad ball night came and everyone was in a joyful spirit, except you. You were nowhere to be found. You skipped the whole thing for reasons I guess I won't ever know. Maybe you didn't want to see your ex all glammed up? But it was sad because I would've gathered enough courage and asked you to dance that night.

So as I watch you make your way out of the busy crowd today, thanking people who stopped to congratulate you for a job well done, I let you live in the moment. I know it's a moment I won't want to ruin because it's the first time in a long time that I'm seeing that smile again. Finally. I now know you're happy and I know you'll be alright. I, instead, whisper prayers to the cold, night air for you and everything your heart beats for.


I wish you laughters that take your breath away and smiles that echo to eternity. I wish you courage and a strong spirit for dreaming and making them happen. But most of all, I wish you love. The love you've always wanted and the love you deserve. The one love that'll make you forget about the tears and the hurts that you've been through in the past few years.

Maybe this isn't the time we're supposed to talk or maybe our moments just don't deserve words and its beauty lies in the silences and the sidelines. Maybe one day we'd get to see each other somewhere, familiarity drawing us in. Maybe one day we'd even happen, but for now this is enough. We're both happy. You're happy and that's enough.

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About the author
Ayessa De La Peña Assistant Section Editor
I am's resident fangirl and ~*feelings*~ girl. When I'm not busy researching about what to write next on the website, I sleep, read books, and re-watch episodes of Friends.
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