Is He Just Not That Into You?

by Felix Rivera   |  Feb 15, 2010
photo by Dakila Angeles
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When we like someone, we spend so much time wanting the other person to feel the same way that we fail to see all aspects of the situation. Here's your macroscopic guide to why he seems like he isn't digging you—though he actually is.

What you see:  He's a flirt. He's very confident. In fact, he's too malambing. He makes passes at you in public that are hard to miss. It has reached the point where people actually think you're his girlfriend, and he finds it very amusing to the point that it's a bit disturbing. But he doesn't ask you out. It all seems like a game to him.

The bigger picture: He's Beelzebub. Be very, very careful. This guy sounds like a player. Check on his background and find out how many girls he's been with at the same time. He might just be after the macho image and the bragging rights.

How to paint it: Don't paint at all!!! Scrap the picture and shred the canvas. You don't want to get hurt. Guys like him will need to do some major soul searching before they can truly change.

What you see:  He's sweet, friendly, nice to you, and always concerned about how you're doing. At times, he even gives you a hearty hug. So what's wrong?

The bigger picture: He's Mr. Dense. The question is, is he like that only with you? He could be your token Mr. Nice Guy, meaning he's nice to everyone—even to the mataray manang security guard in your school. But for all his niceness, does he still manage to be extra-super-nice when he's with you? If that's the case, he probably does like you, but he's too dense to realize that you like him back.


How to paint it: Continue to be his friend, but make him realize that you can be more than that.  Go an extra mile in taking care of him. At certain times, allow him to miss your company so he'll realize how crucial your presence is. If all else fails, there's no other way but to tell him honestly how you feel, and that whatever the outcome, you will still be there as his friend.

What you see:  Whenever you meet casually, you get along very well. There's perfect chemistry. You show him signs you like him and he responds well. And yet, it seems to be going nowhere. You just feel like really good friends.

The bigger picture: He's Mr. Scaredy Cat. He does like you, so he can't help but show his feelings for you, but he doesn't ask you out because he considers it crossing the border. Perhaps he's afraid to commit? Some guys think that going out on a date means "signing a contract." He thinks that you think you're going steady and he's just not ready to be tied down yet.

How to paint it: You have to make it clear that although you like him, you want to take things slow. Liking each other does not mean you're already in a romantic relationship, but simply on your way there. Assure your guy he's not on a leash and you're just holding hands towards where both of you decide to go.

What you see:  You belong to the same barkada, but the two of you are the closest friends. At certain times, the two of you form a barkada within your barkada. However, when it's just the two of you, he's awkward and uncertain. It seems impossible to get him to go out with you without your barkada. He just seems uncomfortable.

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The bigger picture: He's Mr. Torpe. He's not yet ready to ask you out ‘cause he still doesn,t have the courage. There is strength in numbers, and he probably feels like his insecurities can be hidden within your barkada. He's uncomfortable when the two of you are alone because he feels you will see deeper into him and find something you don,t like.

How to paint it: Use the strength of your barkada. If he's comfortable within the confines of your group, then keep him there until "the turkey is ready." But while you're in those confines, create a small world between you and your guy. Keep him close and make him feel at ease within that pseudo-private world. Then, slowly veer away from the barkada so you and your guy can have your "alone" time. Patience is a key element here.

What you see:  11 am: During class, he looks at you and smiles. 12 pm lunch break: He doesn't mind you at all. 1 pm: You ask for help with class homework and he thoughtfully obliges. 3 pm dismissal time: He walks past you as if he doesn't know you at all.

The bigger picture: He's Mr. Bipolar (a.k.a. The Loyal Friend). Let's zoom out a bit. Oh, there it is. Now you notice that every break time, his best friend from the classroom next door is with him, gazing longingly at you. Chances are, he does like you, but so does his best bud. This can be tough because you might be getting in between their friendship.


How to paint it: There's no better way to deal with this than to use the "strengths" of the situation. Best friends have a strong bond, so use that bond to your advantage. If you think his best bud is trustworthy, ask him for help regarding your dilemma. Number one: His best bud will get the message that you don't like him. Number two: If you play it right, he might even help you and your guy get together.

The Bottom Line
If you want him to ask you out, find a way and do it. Most guys just need a little push in the right direction. It is always a risk to like someone—and it involves time, patience, and understanding to get someone's heart to open up. At times, it will work. Other times, it won't. But that's why you call it a risk—you invest in something and there's a possibility you won't win. However, you still get something in return: strength of heart and mind, and the assurance that you won't have any regrets from not trying. There's no sadder word in the English language than the word "if," so fill your life with the word "when" instead. That way, when you grow old, you can tell your kids, "When I did this, I learned this!"

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About the author
Felix Rivera
Contributing Writer
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