How to Get the Closure He Never Gave You
He left without even saying goodbye
You're still up at this hour searching for the signs of his departure: red flags you may have just overlooked, roadblocks you blatantly ignored along the way. You go back to the very first page looking for some kind of warning he may have given you about how your love story would come to a close; you have searched from cover to cover yet you still have nothing.
It has been three months and you are still in the same place where he left you. You don't move because you're still hoping that he will be back in your arms come midnight. You don't move because maybe if you wait long enough he will change his mind and choose you over his doubts. You don't move because people make mistakes, and maybe he is already on his way to correcting his. You don't move because maybe you just don't know where to go.
You spend nights reliving that time he held you in your arms like you're precious art; you try to remember the color of his eyes as you slow danced in that empty parking lot; you smile as you remember how much you trusted him with your own thought; you haven't even said them out loud before. You try to gather whatever is left of him just to get you through tonight. Your hand is tired from the weight of your phone as you wait for a message that might never come. You would stare at the screen for hours waiting for his name to appear until your eyes close in surrender. You comfort yourself by imagining him doing exactly the same thing even though you are not really sure at all. You've tried calling him too but you always back out after the first ring; you don't know why.
If there is something worse than love coming to an end, it is letting love leave without bidding it goodbye.
It is not kissing its cheek before it walks out of your door; it is letting it go in silence when it deserves all the words you can say to try and save it until your voice gives out, until time runs out. Your heart aches as you think of how easy it was for him to close this book without even writing a final chapter. What good is a story that doesn't give peace to its characters, you would always ask yourself.
Tonight you are praying for a chance to talk to him one last time; to finally clear the gray clouds in your eyes, to finally collect the promises you weren't able to keep, to finally say goodbye. Words might not even come out of your mouth when he's already breathing on the other line but you know that this is what you need before you can finally move forward and heal.
You need closure to anchor you back to the ground for the beautiful dream that was your love is over and it's time to wake up.
You need to see him one more time so that you can memorize how his eyes shine when he talks about his childhood home; you need to memorize the way your name sounds when it is coming from his lips; dear, you need to take every little detail in. You have to remember for the very last time before you can finally forget.
The sun is breaking now and your eyes may be tired from the long hard wait but they are still beautiful. You're sure that you will be trying again tonight but know that if he may never come and you get tired of waiting for an apology or a goodbye that you will never receive, you can pick up the pen by yourself and write the ending of your story that was never finished.
If he may never come and you get tired of waiting for an apology or a goodbye that you will never receive, you can pick up the pen by yourself and write the ending of your story that was never finished.
That day will come when his words won't heal your wounds anymore because you have healed yourself with all the love that was left within you. You won't need an apology to forgive and a goodbye to let go and that will be the most courageous thing that you could ever do. You were brave enough to turn away from the train that you missed by a second because you have finally accepted that it will never return. You have also realized that you have your own two feet that can stand, and walk and run; you can take yourself wherever you want to go. Don't get beaten down when it doesn't happen tomorrow, brace yourself for like the most wondrous things, it can take some time but it will happen, we promise.
For now, don't hate yourself for waiting for him. Wait for as long as you possibly can, until your heart realizes that it has had enough. When the day when you finally give up comes, write that ending by yourself and make it beautiful. Make it so beautiful that it's worth all the pain you've been through just to get there.
Always remember that you can still turn all the pain and sorrow into art; you have that power and it will never be too late.