How To Deal When You've Moved On But Your Ex Can't

"Sometimes it's not just the demons of our past who haunt us-it can be people least, our conjured up idea of that person."
by Daryn Agapay   |  Feb 17, 2016
ART Trixie Ison
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So it has happened. That one thing that you never wished would happen to your relationship—but did anyway. It was the official deal breaker that brought forth The Big Breakup, and now you're dealing with your broken heart as well as what's left of your shattered life after this person. Say you've moved on, great! Here's the problem though, he can't. Is there anything more painful than watching someone suffer? And what makes it worse than knowing that they're doing it because of their idea of you? Remember Candy Girls, none of this is the effect of your doing, but of someone else’s inability to cope with loss. Here are 10 ways to deal when your ex can't find the strength to let go of you and move on with his life.

Figure out what you want.

This is just as much your problem as it is theirs. Make sure to set some time for yourself to figure out what you really want between the two of you—and stick to it! Do you really want to end everything with him? Right down to blocking him from every single social media app? Or do you think your relationship is still worth another shot? Whatever the case may be, you deserve some time alone to think about your options to figure out what's best for you.

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Know and understand what's best for both of you.

While thinking about what's best for you is good, you also have to keep in mind that there is also another person involved in this and you have to think about him too. If being together does way more damage to both of you than being apart, then maybe it's best to just be apart for good. It just wasn't meant to be and both of you need to learn how to accept that.

Talk to him.

Closure—nothing brings about more mutual understanding than plain old communication. Be sure to calmly sit him down and explain why you're ending the relationship and why you want to cut all ties with him. If you were in an abusive relationship and talking to this person makes you fear for your safety, consider speaking with a guidance counselor or a therapist regarding what's the best closure to end everything for good between the two of you—and follow it.


Don't give him false hope.

There's nothing wrong with being "just friends" with your ex post breakup, but don't give him any sort of false hope that he can prove himself to be worthy of having you back. Imagine him asking you out to coffee or dinner or lunch “just the two of you”. You should just avoid agreeing to any more plans with him—because the longer you leave it like that, then the more pain and confusion you're causing. Like everyone says, "masakit umasa sa wala."

Build a support system.

Cutting ties with someone, especially if that someone has been there for quite a while, can be incredibly difficult. It's important to surround yourself with a good support system to keep you strong all throughout—this includes reconnecting with friends, family, mentors, and finding yourself again in case you've changed ever since the relationship started.

Establish boundaries.

Be sure to be direct with your ex about your boundaries. Translation: if you want him out of your life completely, you have to set your boundaries with him and make sure that he understands it.


Do not talk to him when your emotions are running high.

Your thoughts are clouded when you speak with sadness, rage, bitterness, or whenever a strong emotion is coursing through your veins. It's best to leave all forms of communication with him at a minimum when you go through these waves, otherwise you might say or do something that you'd regret doing later on.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. 

Do your best to ignore him and his persistence. When you want him out of your life, you should make an effort to keep it that way—and that means rejecting his attempts of fixing things with you. Keep in mind, if he's going through those waves of regret now, understand that he should've treated you better when he still had the chance to do so. You deserve better than a man who failed to see the diamond he had when he went out to chase glitter.


Understand that you have absolutely NOTHING to be guilty of.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Repeat after me: none of this is your fault, okay? His predicament is of his own actions and you owe nothing to him.

Get some outside help.

Nobody wants it to reach this point, but we can't help it if it actually does happen—and it can happen to absolutely anyone. Stalking is a very serious problem, and crime. If you are being stalked you are robbed of privacy, and you start fearing for your safety, therefore your happiness is affected. When you think this is happening to you, let people know immediately. Don't even wait, because it's your life and safety that's on the line.

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About the author
Daryn Agapay Correspondent
As a certified Candy Girl, I constantly push myself out of my comfort zone to experience all the adventure life can bring and to pour my heart out into everything I do. If I'm not writing, you may find me obsessing about cats, latte art, fashion, books, or french fries.
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