Arch1pelago's Yan Yuzon Spills His Firsts

by Candy Council of Cool 8   |  Apr 25, 2010
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I have been tasked to share some of my experiences with you, milestones in a guy's life. This guy's life has been overly tragic-comedic-I must say that you girls have been very, very bad, and have made most of my life a horrific, blundering mess! Of course I mean that half-seriously, because as much as I'd like to play it cool, playfully spurn you, and profess that I no longer fall victim to your cunning ways, the truth is, inside any man of any age sits the eternal 12-year-old boy who desperately hopes that his lady fair will not break his heart.

What follows is a pseudo-detailed account of my sorry life in your sometimes-evil clutches. But you've seen us guys in action. As the ancient Japanese proverb goes, we "fall seven times, stand up eight." And as I take one for the guy team, have fun and snicker at will but do consider my advice. Boys, have a laugh, but pay attention as I share these unforgettable firsts.


The first time I...

Asked a girl to dance.

It was a high school dance, which I attended when I was in grade six. Fairly unwise. Plus, I had a crazy haircut that got me in trouble sometimes. There she was, tall and pretty in her little red dress. She was actually in high school. Everyone was coming on to her, but she shrugged them all off with a nice little, "Uh, I'm waiting for someone pa eh..." I came up to her and said, "Can you baby-sit me?" She laughed, we danced. It worked-and for a long time, it would be the last time things would turn out fine for me as per the ladies.

Guy Tip: Do the above sans the crazy haircut. It might still work.
Girl Tip: Do be tall and pretty in your little red dress. Do baby-sit.

Asked for a girl's number.

Still at a tender age, I was but a fragile fawn (pardon the inexcusable metaphor). Context matters: I was at the MC Hammer concert at the Big Dome—don't ask why! This girl liked MC Hammer. We were in a group of family friends, though I didn't know her that well. I squirmed over to her, and asked, "Can I have your number?" The music was very loud, and for a time she pretended to hear something about "lumber," until she finally asked me why I wanted her number. I muttered something that sounded like, "'Cause my mom needs to get in touch with your mom..." To this day, the image of MC Hammer singing and gyrating to "U Can't Touch This" has me waking up in a pool of cold sweat.

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Guy Tip: Be not the fragile fawn in a rap artist's concert. Enunciate-and have a better answer for the question "why"—all the time.
Girl Tip
: You either give it or you don't, you don't ask why!!!

Called a girl.

Finally got hold of someone's six digits. (Yes, there were just six to a landline at the time, stop laughing!) I called this girl up, we chatted nervously on the phone for five minutes. And then, in the spirit of the generation that cherished the Power Ballad (look up bands like Bon Jovi, Poison, and Warrant), I made her listen to a song I actually wrote about her-receiver cocked in ear while strumming a guitar, while singing through lyrics and erasures on a leaf of my math notebook. This was physically hard, and I had hoped she'd appreciate what should have been a romantic moment. Instead, she "had to" hang up and asked me to call after five minutes. When I did, her eldest brother (a.k.a. Hip-Hop Gangster) picked up, said he heard everything on the extension, declared my song crap, and vowed to smash my guitar on my head if I dared call again. I decided to call... on God, for help.


Guy Tip: Don't work it on the phone-it's a bit sissy and you never know if big brother's listening in.
Girl Tip
: Dump guys on your own. Don't unleash the killer kuya!

Kissed a girl.

You talk on the phone, you ask her out-if that works you actually go out, you come home, the date ends. And then they never want to see you again! But before that, sometimes (if you're lucky), comes the kiss. In my case, I was kissed by a girl ‘cause the moment dragged on and she must've figured, "This dork ain't gonna try nothing." So there's a difference, but also because kissing for most people entails mouth-to-mouth action and not the "sharp end of lollipop stick jutting out of guy's mouth poking lower left eyelid of girl with initiative." I dodged, the wrong way-which is crazy ‘cause I really liked her. Needless to say, after realizing that yes, she will still see out of that left eye, she did not try to kiss me again. Neither did I. I was too shocked at having given new meaning to the cliché, "Love is blind."


Guy Tip: Do not dodge, especially when she is everything you want. And what's up with the lollipop? What're you, like, 12?
Girl Tip
: The surprise facial attack is too dangerous. A touch on the forearm draws attention first-then he'll see you coming, and you get to keep your eyesight! But seriously, you may wonder: "A lollipop? What're you, like, 12?" (No, 13 and a half.)

Attempted to saw my wrist off, tried to use a hammer to crack my skull open, and succeeded in breaking a glass door with my now-scarred right fist-all because my heart was broken.

Um, maybe we'll skip all that...

All of these stories are true, and the only person I'm willing to embarrass is lil' ol' me-to make a point, and it is this: Some guys, believe it or not, are worth your while. We may behave like fools often enough for dismissal, but in five more minutes (and hopefully not five more years!), we'll end up saying and doing just the right thing. Bottom line, you chicks rock, and when you turn our world upside down, things can get messed up. So give the dork in front of you another shot-he might just turn out to be the man who'll be, well, messy, clumsy, gassy, even-but who'll love you till the end of time.


Guy Tip: Show this article to your girl. She'll realize you're doing much better than I did and give you a doggie biscuit!
Girl Tip
: Pretend to agree, and go easy on the little feller...

"I made her listen to a song I actually wrote about her... I had hoped she'd appreciate what should have been a romantic moment. Instead, she 'had to' hang up..." 

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