Wait for me, you said. You were sure, but you weren't clear. You said those words as if they were the easiest thing to do. You said them as if, at one point in time, you'll know when the waiting needs to stop, or when you need to come around and come back for me. You said them as if a guide on Waiting 101 existed and that you handed that to me so I'll know what to do while I'm waiting for you.
For a while, I didn't really mind. I was blinded, I guess, by the way you put together beautiful words to keep my demons at bay and to silence the voices of doubt in my head. I even made up my very own reasons on why we just couldn't happen in the moment I wanted us to. Maybe you've just been through a bad relationship before and it really hurt you. Maybe commitments aren't really your thing—which is probably the lamest reason now that I think about it. Maybe it's better that we have "something" instead of nothing. Maybe this waiting game is going to make us stronger once we officially get together. Maybe I just didnt deserve a legit relationship. Maybe I didn't deserve you.
But time has passed and weeks became months which later turned to years. And it has rained over me that I'm allowing myself to stay stranded in the sidelines, watching life pass me by. Then I realized that this is not the movies. This is not one of those Nicholas Sparks film adaptations that will surely pull two people in, together no matter how many years have gone by. This is real life and the truth is, if you wanted to be with me now and loved me just as much as I loved you, you'll make us happen. No. Matter. What.
This is real life and I can't go on missing Friday night dinners with friends and loved ones because you said you'd want to spend Fridays with me but that never really happened. I can't go on ignoring interesting people I meet just because I am committed to you (you're just not committed to me). I can't spend my days making plans for myself with you always in my mind—will this be convenient for you or what happens if you suddenly turn up and decide in your heart that we're meant to be together.
I can't continue holding on to someone who isn't even there, who just comes around when he needs something, or he wants someone to nurse his bruised ego from the games he's lost in life. I can't continue living my life building walls around me because you said you're the one who's going to tear them down when you're ready and when the time is right.
There are a thousand things I want to do and experience. There are a hundred places I want to discover and live in and schools I think would be best for me. But if I keep on holding on to your request, your favor, your unwritten promise that I should wait for you because you said you'll be coming back for me, I won't be able to move on.
So here it is, my love. Here's my big request: Please let me let you go. I have loved you with all of my heart and soul. I would have loved to spend every waking moment with you, stand by you through thick and thin, make all of my dreams happen with you beside me. But if I keep on waiting for the day that you'll come around and know in your heart that you're ready for us, life will pass me by. I know I'm somehow responsible for you because I nodded when you asked me to wait for you, but I have a bigger responsibility to myself. I can fail you, but I can't fail me. And even though I do love you—god, I love you—I love myself more, and I'll never be sorry that I do.
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