An Open Letter To My Internet Boyfriend
I stare at my phone screen, waiting for your reply. I've found myself in this situation quite a lot of times recently, with my eyes glued to my phone and my head thinking of reasons as to why you never reply as quick as I do. Maybe it was because you were busy with some other things in your life, things that, despite our "relationship," I never hear or know about.
Urban Dictionary says, "internet boyfriend, n.: A male acquaintance that one met on the internet and would spend countless hours online chatting with." Funny, when I read this I instantly thought of you. The definition hit the exact spot of what we were, and that hurt. Because really, that was the only thing we were. We were only two people who had a relationship online.
We were two people who only knew each other through our phone screens.
When I asked you what this thing going on between us is, I imagined that you looked up from your phone and stared outside. You would ponder on it for a moment, then send your reply. In reality though, you replied 5 seconds after I hit send. It was as if you already knew, you've given much thought about what ‘this is’ and you were ready to put me in that box. And even though I knew I was going to be put there, I didn't mind. Just as long as I still got to talk to you, then it would be fine.
I told myself that maybe we could become real, or "official," that maybe you were just sorting some things out and preparing for my arrival in your saga but as time passed, I realized you never wanted anything serious. Instead, you wanted it online, in between your own responsibilities and tasks. You were just an illusion, at a time when I wanted something to be so real, you merely wanted a break from your own reality, someone whom you didn't know and wouldn't have to see every day.
We clearly wanted different things, I wanted to be more than just an online presence. I wanted to be the person you would see at the end of your classes, the person you would rant to whenever your professors would just be completely unfair, the person you would have late night Jollibee drive throughs with whenever you would be craving for your Chicken Joy. And you would be the guy I would finally get to show my favorite book store to, the guy who I would end up making my personal assistant but would, at the end of the day, hug really tight and thank. The guy I would introduce my parents and friends to. The one whom I would bully just to eat the food I would cook, whether it was burnt or not.
But you only wanted someone to pass the time, someone who knew just some parts of you, parts that you could filter. I only knew a version of you, a version that didn't really complete who you really are. You only wanted someone to share some things to, things that were too insulting and too personal to share with the people you see every day because you feared you would hurt their feelings, or worse, make them leave. I was that person, that parenthesis that you used to clear out any ill things in your life.
It's ironic to think that you could talk to me about everything in your head, and yet I still have no clue on who you really are. I don't know how long this charade going on between us is going to last, and I honestly don't know what's going to happen.
I hope you think about this, and when I stop replying, I hope you know why.
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"Today, I Won"
I always caught feelings for someone, and hoped so much that one day there could a thing between the two of us. I'm usually the one that makes the effort to buy and/or make cute gifts, chats them every other day, and stays up all night with him.
When I was 16, my childhood crush suddenly came back into my life. We'd constantly send updates to each other, recommend favorite songs and talk even the most random things. He'd even text me as early as 6 to just greet me good morning almost everyday. I hoped so much that when I confessed, he suddenly stopped talking to me.
For short, he ghosted me. Those 6 months I spent talking to him, allotting my time for him, and staying up until 3 am for him - all gone in a simple confession. Although I had a few crushes before him, he's the only one that got me in real pain. It was the kind of pain that I never thought I'd experience. It was the kind of pain that I couldn't believe.
After 7 years (it happened back in 2017), I thought he came back into my life to stay, but I guess he's just one of the guys who distanced. I felt a complete loser that time. But during this quarantine, everything was different. I caught feelings for someone else, but he treated me with the best kindness yet.
It happened at 2 am, May 30, 2020, when I impulsively confessed my feelings through messaging him. After saying my feelings, he responded with genuine and kind words. We both even complimented each other. Although the feelings didn't reciprocate, I still found a connection that can't be replaced with any guy.
To my 16 year old self, here I am, 18 and happy. You may have felt that time was the biggest regret and loss, but I'm here to tell you, we won. Today, I won.
Why our high school barkada is the best?
Remembering our high school years entails quite a lot reminiscing of the things we all been through when we were younger. You’ve experience a lot of new things during those 4 wonderful years and did most of them with the few people you consider your barkada. And through a series of all the lunch breaks you had together, the walks you took on the way home, and taking the same classes, you never thought you’d survive, you have made your life’s greatest friends.
Here are some of the reasons why your high school barkada is the best:
1. You figured out early teenage life together. The transition one have undergone from being a kid to a teenager wasn’t easy. For a moment you are not sure whether you should have played with your friends during recess or you should have just sat down and ate your food because you were too old for games. But whatever it is you chose to do, having friends who were as clueless as you make everything feel easier because you know, deep down, you’d figure things out eventually. You just need good company.
2. They were with you during your “jeje“ days. I bet you have pictures taken with Camera360 and Retrica. You also have pictures edited using Pizap with embarrassing captions and you somehow kept some of them so you could have something to post online during their birthdays.
3. They know all your exes. They will never EVER forget the name of an ex-boyfriend, an ex-fling, an ex-crush, and an almost you had. They will remind you of your every questionable love decision but you’ll just laugh anyway while saying “Past is past”.
4. They never judge you. They have welcomed you to their lives when you thought jelly shoes and checkered polos were the bomb! They were quick to have told your teachers that you were not feeling well so you could go home when you really just needed to poop. You tell them every embarrassing story you have and were fine with it.
5. You can always count on them. From the moment you first fell in love and the moment you first had your heart broken, they were with you. They were with you the moment you lost a parent and at moments when you thought you had nothing. Through every break-up and breakthrough, they were there to be your support system.
6. They are your family. Your high school friend’s family is your own family’s extension. Their parents are like your own. Don’t you feel a little kilig whenever your friend’s parents call you “anak”? And then eventually calling them mama and papa became so natural? I felt that, all the time.
7. They will always be your home. They are your place of refuge and security, the place who offers you their hands when you feel lost and the place you run to when you need saving. No matter how much time and distance separate you, they will be the one’s that you always long for and they are the one’s that you will always return to.
You're gonna bend and break and then at some point in your life, you feel like you don't want to fall in love again.
Not because you're no longer capable of loving but because you're so afraid to get hurt again that you don't want to take a risk anymore. And you're gonna wake up one day and realize that you're not the same person as you were yesterday. The heart aches, heartbreaks, frustration, you'll see, those will transform your whole being into something better.
Honey, move forward. Let go off all the things that are not meant for you. Let go of all the people who hurt you and take you for granted. Don't be stuck feeling miserable.
And don't turn that love into hate when you resent someone for hurting you or for breaking your heart. Just wish them well and let them go. Welcome the possibility of a beautiful love that will come your way. You're worthy of love that you keep on giving to other people. Keep that in mind.
I wish you well and all the happiness. You deserve it.
Here we are — with rough hands entwined, damned hearts at peace, broken souls resting with ease —savoring each passing moment before we part ways...hoping things will turn out to be okay. Here we are — standing still, keeping our earnest desire and ardent passion for each other at bay — hoping the Universe will finally grant us of the day that we no longer have to pretend... that things will no longer have to end.
Here we are — with crooked smiles, lingering touch that will last for a while -- gathering all the remaining courage to set each other free. Wishing for the day that our hearts will no longer have to worry. Here we are letting each other go. Even though we both know that the future is uncertain. Even though we're unsure if our paths will cross once again.