Guys*. Yeah, we're all kinds of complicated—the stupid kind, the "Huh?" kind, the gross kind, the infuriating kind, the sweet kind, the all-kinds-of-everything-rolled-into-one kind. But we don't want to be, really. So we've compiled this list of things you just have to know about the mysteries of male-hood. It's not a definitive list, for sure (that will take the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica), but it ought to be enough for you to forgive us our nonsensical quirks.
- We'll never take a hint. In hindsight, it should be stunningly obvious that the only reason you take us window-shopping with you is to drop a big fat clue* but our eyes were glazed over, our brainwaves were tuning out. We plead innocent! We'll clean our ears next time.
- We are desperate for your attention. So desperate, in fact, that we will act all emo and loner and weepy and depressed just so you'll come over and ask, "Hey, is there anything wrong?" And when we say, "Nothing", we actually mean, "Please stay with me and cheer me up*pleaaaaaase!" Yeah, we know: we're pathetic.
- We love impromptu shoulder rubs. Nothing beats having our crush suddenly give us a friendly massage. It's the male equivalent of receiving flowers. The kilig factor is bar none-and yeah, those supremely manly muscles do happen to be a little knotted up. It's hard work, you know, being handsome and all. A little to the right, please?
- We love guys. In a guy way, of course. Male bonding is essential to sanity. That includes off-color jokes, Xbox nights, poker sessions, pick-up games, respect knuckles* you know the drill. Well, you know what they say: "This is Spartaaaaa!"
- We hate guys. Man-love can only take us so far. Once a fellow male crosses a certain line (namely, the line that divides the guys from the gals), then all gloves are off; the war for your undivided attention has just commenced. The one-upmanship can take on absurdly ridiculous forms—from basketball skills to the size of your, um, subwoofer-but it's deadly serious. In the end, there can only be one Alpha male.
- We'll never outgrow toys. When we were tee-tots it was toy cars and action figures. Ten years later, it's cars. Or mountaineering gear. Or sneakers. Or comics. Or die-cast collectible figurines. If there's something not worth burning our allowance on, we've got to have it. As in, got to. Makes sense, right?
- We aren't jerks. Only some of us are. There's a big difference. From slumber party stories and late-night sob-fests over the phone, you might think that all guys are insensitive louts who leave a trail of broken hearts in their wake. Well, take heart, ladies—it turns out that this observation is only partly true. Doesn't that make you feel so much better about us?
- We're cleaner now. The stereotype of the unwashed, smelly male has gone the way of the dodo, and we're proud to say that we've evolved, hygiene-wise. Metrosexuality is no longer a province of homosexuality-every guy worth his salt knows the value of facial wash, clean nails, matched clothes, and dressy leather shoes. Or at least, most do-there are still some remaining pockets of smelly male-dom that exist in the wilderness. Speaking of which, could we borrow a nail cutter?
- We are hotter than Robert Pattinson. Seriously. No, we mean it. We can look you straight in the eye, our abs (sorry, ab) slouching forward, our arms skinny as sticks, a bright-red pimple ready to supernova on our foreheads, and say this like it was a scientific fact. In fact, it ought to be. Because if we don't have our terribly inflated self-esteem, then we've got nothing. (Oh, you are sexier than Jessica Alba, by the way. No contest.)
- We're the bravest souls you'll ever meet. We will watch Nicholas Sparks movies with you. (In the movie house.) We will stand around on exhausted legs and wait for you to try on a million identical shoes. We will face the wrath of your father, the haughtiness of your mother, and the brattiness of your little bro. We will do all this and more with a stoic mean and a stout heart—all because you are so worth it.
What You Shouldn't Know About Guys
We are breaking the male code of honor (yes, there is such a thing—we're born with it, like some sort of genetic Geneva Convention that governs our every move) just by revealing this to you-but you deserve to know the honest truth.
- We really are pigs. Whoever doesn't think of girls in that way is either a liar* or gay.
- We believe that stupidity is the apex of humor. And that Jackass is the finest movie ever made.
- We are secretly corny. We will never admit that we painstakingly and repeatedly doodle your name in our math notebooks. Yes—on every square.
- We never lift the toilet seat. Because it just takes too much darned work.
- There's really no male code of honor. Enough said.