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What It Feels Like To Be Alive Again

Candy Girl Venice opens up about finding love again.
The CW

I've been dead for awhile now. At least that is how it feels to me. Cold and numb, with eyes glossed over, open and staring, but not really seeing. Without soul, without magic, without life in the way I walk, smile, speak.

It is always difficult, moving on, walking out of the ruins of a love that went wrong. It was especially more trying for me. I have invested a lot on him, given him all that I could. I tried to be perfect for him, hoping that all my efforts could hold him. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to reserve some for myself, to love myself too. I lost all sense of self-worth and respect. So when he shut the door on our love story, and walked out of my life, I was left with nothing.

I was an empty vessel for too long.

Till I met you.

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Now there is more color to my cheeks, a sparkle in my eyes, a little confidence in my walk. You make me smile with your charm, your humor. You care for me.

It didn't take too long for you to break down the walls I wasn't even aware I built around me.

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For the first time in years, I feel my heart working inside my chest again. How I love sleeping to the sound of my heart beating. For too long it has been quiet. Now it is playing out its rhythm once more. It is very comforting.

For the first time in years, I find myself laughing heartily again. A laugh that is cathartic, cleansing, and light. A laugh that I didn't have to force out for the benefit of those who worry about me.

Then I find myself opening up again. Trusting again. Mainly trusting you.

But more than all those feelings given back to me, I find myself trusting me. You taught me something important—to love myself and not lose myself while loving you. Your love made me see that I am not worthless. You cherish me with your hug, your kiss, your smile. You make me feel beautiful, and by some miracle, when you look at me, I see it in your eyes that you really think I am beautiful. I actually believe it when you tell me.

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I feel safe with you. Feel loved by you.

Because of your love, I feel alive again.

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