What Being 20 Really Feels Like
You are too young to feel this tired, but you are certainly exhausted. So far being twenty feels a lot like being in the eye of the storm, everything just is going so fast, too fast. You hear a starting pistol every morning jolting you awake, telling you that the world will not be waiting for anyone. Being twenty feels like being in a marathon you never trained for. The finish line is nowhere in sight, but you run, with all that you have. You don't stop even when your heart feels like exploding, even when your lungs run out of oxygen, even when your knees can take it no more.You keep on running because that is what you are here to do; go as fast as the wind. It’s a mortal sin to plant your feet and wait for the ground to shake and take you places.
You are also guaranteed to feel lost, in all the sense of the word, feel free to even make your own definition. You will find yourself in a course you are not really into, or in the company of "friends" you don't really like. You will get lost in the arms of a beautiful boy and if you think you cannot get any more disoriented, wait until the day he changes his mind. You are sure that you are already an adult but there will come days when you will feel like a child trying to figure out which way is North from a broken compass. Fixing it may already be a lost cause, but you can try.
You will get hurt, and you are meant to do some damage, too. You can put your heart in a locked cage and throw the keys at the ends of the world but eventually you will come across a person who has mastered the art of picking locks. No matter how lightly you thread this earth; there will be days when you'll be the one doing all the breaking, sometimes not even on purpose just like a clumsy child. Pain will be something familiar to you, sadly.
You can put your heart in a locked cage and throw the keys at the ends of the world but eventually you will come across a person who has mastered the art of picking locks.
Some days will be better. You will feel like the whole world, even if it looks like it can swallow you whole, is in the palm of your hands. Today, the world is yours for the taking. These are the days you will cry happy tears, the kind that leaves your cheeks warm and your heart swollen. You will also be holding the people you love most. Remember these days at all cost for they will get you through the seemingly endless tunnels ahead.
There will be bad days, lots of them actually. By now you should have accepted the fact that it is impossible to outrun them. They will always have a way of catching up to you, like bullet trains that keep on coming. The thing with a bad day is that it gives so much more than it takes; bad days are the reason why we know good ones. Be thankful for the mornings you can't even get up from your bed because you are in so much pain; be thankful for the nights you spend thinking about why you will never be good enough.
Being twenty is feeling nothing and everything at the same time, embrace that. You will never be as young as you are at this very moment.
Dear, no matter how hard it gets, remember that it only gets better. You are meant to have your fair share of good days; the best days of your young life and boy will they be worth the wait.
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Forget Me Not: A forgotten entry in Tokyo
Watching well-made films often fuel the desire for adventure and excitement in our own lives. Like many in their youth, I've felt that childlike feeling of seeing myself as the main character in my own movie. The genres often change with time and it goes from comedy to tragedy really quick. I used to think that if I closed my eyes for too long, I'd miss the best parts. That if I close my eyes then I'd be covering the lens to the camera in my mind. But I also believed that I could dream about what I see again when I lay my head to sleep at nights or that I can re-watch all my memories after I die. But now that I'm older reality has a tighter grasp on my throat as I trudge my rocky road to adulthood. My memory is failing me. I write this entry for that reason. Because I am scared to forget. I was emotionally and mentally worn. I didn't know it at the time but I desperately needed that feeling of childlikeness again.
Senior high school came with so much unnecessary pain and pressure that I didn't realize I was gasping for air. I always sat by the window to stare out during class as the voice of my teacher became background noise that faded into my daydreams. Before I knew it, I was packing a small backpack in the middle of the semester on a cold November evening to go on a trip to Tokyo. This time it wasn't a dream and it felt as if time stood still.
While my friends and classmates were back home in their classrooms going on with their lives and schoolwork, I on the other hand was two-thousand miles away in a foreign land with a foreign language where my basic knowledge was not enough for me to survive on my own. Like passing through the Torii gate which the Japanese believe brings humans into the land of the spirits, I was in a new world. The breeze felt like a cold nip at the tip of my nose as autumn was nearing winter but I've never breathed in air fresher. I was welcomed into a small and warm Japanese home with lovely little folded cranes on a humble dinner table.
My aunt who was far lovelier and even more vibrant than the colors on the delicately folded cranes was there to welcome me as well. The paper cranes weren't the only things she prepared for my one-week stay. On a little pink card, she had my name along with my Tokyo address handwritten in Japanese for our rides on the bus & bullet train; and in case I get lost. She also prepared a small pink pouch with cute yellow elephants on it. The pouch was filled with coins of different amounts. The coins were for me to spend freely on drinks and snacks in vending machines. It was all more than enough since beforehand she already prepared us 2 weeks' worth of snacks for my 1-week stay. On top of all that she prepared winter clothes since I traveled light and she insisted that I wear the pink parka that she brought before I came over. I find it funny that she still thinks I like pink but it's still just like the good old days. She's still one of the most thoughtful people I know. My aunt is a missionary in Japan and has always been like a mother and a friend to me. I sobbed like a baby in front of a thousand-member congregation on the day my family and I sent her off. A few years later, with my father being our Church's missions pastor, I was given the opportunity to travel to Tokyo and see her. Seeing her again was bittersweet. It's sweet since she raised me and is a big part of who I am and my interests today. But bitter because it hits you like a ton of bricks when you notice someone you love is has gotten older or weaker. Don't we all feel that at some point with our parents and guardians? On my father's side of the family, we have issues of Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and Dementia. It's hard to pretend that it doesn't hurt that after years of being with my grandma, she doesn't know who I am. As for my dad, on top of having Parkinson's he is starting to show early signs of dementia too. It's scary how quickly one can forget decades worth of memories. I wonder if I may go through that as well one day.
At the time these thoughts were overshadowed by the magical Disneyland rides and digital museums, sights like Mt. Fuji as well as traditional and Modern Japanese Architecture, pictures we took at the iconic Hachiko shrine, and Shibuya crosswalk, and even the small oddities of Harajuku fashion and merchandise. I took as many pictures every chance I could get. I wrote in my digital journal with plans to make a picture journal when I get back home. Japan was quite the story to tell that I believe rekindled my childlike spirit. Before we knew it, the week ended and I was packing once again. This time my luggage was more than twice as heavy and the destination this time was home. I dreaded leaving Japan but I dreaded leaving my aunt more. I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to her at the airport due to my not knowing that she was only allowed to see me off until a certain point. I cried on the flight back while holding a giant Donald duck stuffed toy as I just imagined her going to her small Tokyo home alone. I also cried since soon I'd have to face reality once again. After hours of travel I found myself back home in the all too familiar Baguio. But I was in distress. It wasn't because my lungs were starting to forget what clean air felt like or that I'm missing the life I've lived for the past week. But I was in distress because I couldn't find my phone. Why was that the biggest problem in the world to me at the time? It was because of the pictures and notes that were lost with it. All the pictures I took and the notes of the smallest details were a blurry mess amidst the panic in my brain. I never posted anything because I wanted to live in the time there and not worry about anything back home or anyone knowing what I've been up to. But what haunts me is that I don't remember a single one of the pictures I took. I was so sure that I'd be able to go over them when I get back home. I don't want to forget. It's been 550 days and it still bothers me. It's been 550 days and it's only now that I realize the lesson of this story as I write this.
As scary as it is to forget memories, we have to understand when we have to hold on to something and when it's okay to forget. I tried for weeks to somehow recover the pictures on iCloud but to no avail. We may not be able to fix the mistakes of the past or avoid misfortune that is out of our hands but what we can do is to move forward and make more memories that are worth remembering. Treasure the beautiful moments and the lessons from the terrible times. Cherish them and fight to keep these memories on the surface. If you find that difficult to do then strive to tell your stories to others. Because in the times that we forget, then we have others will remember our legacy. We can't be sure about what happens next though we can plan all we want. Often life doesn't have spoilers and may have a plot twist around the corner. As for me, I may never find those photos again but I made it a goal to one day come back to Tokyo and make more memories. That is a promise that I won't forget.
The Art of Doing Nothing
We have been confined with the worldview about the idea of success; thus, the word “productivity” has been diverted into a different meaning. We labeled the level of our success by identifying the weight of the works we’ve done – believing that the busier you are, the more productive you’ll be. But little did we know that this kind of mindset is a pitfall, ending up in a trap and restricting us to do more of what we can.
Every person has their own way of planning on how to get productive. One of the tips mentioned by Prosalendis was the “2 Hour Hermit Mode” where you just need to stay quiet for two hours to learn and reflect. Within the 2-Hour Hermit Mode, you need to completely shut down outside distractions and try to do nothing, this will help you to have a peace of mind and a quiet time. Focus. This word may be cliché, having a shallow meaning, but the reality is, focusing on one thing is one of the hardest things to do. Some people may have mistakenly understood “doing nothing” as unproductive, but this is actually a form of taking a break. I usually do this 2-Hour Hermit every time I am loaded with tons of deadlines. Just try to sit in the corner of a coffee shop and try to discover new things or just go to a place where you find yourself comfort and peace.
The art of doing nothing makes you appreciate the beauty of the mundane things - you get to witness how the leaves sway on their own branches, you get to see the unappreciated smiles of the people, you get to hear the sound of the birds giving you lullabies. You will never have the time to focus if you are too disturbed with a lot of things. Give yourself a rest from thinking about all the work you need to do. Don’t get distracted and give yourself the freedom of unfolding new things. The power of focusing and art of doing nothing will help you to do things you don’t normally do, and maybe start to love the things you once hated. Trace your progress. We don’t know how productive we are unless we trace our activities. I have a journal where I can write the things I have done, and the things I wasn’t able to accomplish. This helps me to track and jot down the things I failed to do within the day.
You are able to take a break and have a rest by doing outside the boundary of the tons of work you have. You will also be surprised that you have done so many things when you’re listing the things you’ve accomplished. This will not just give you the satisfaction but you will also be grateful for what you have done for the past twenty-four hours. You just need a minute to reminisce what you have done while enjoying the silence in the process. Small daily acts can be a solution to achieve our long-term goals. We’re always bombarded with distractions and piled up work, but nothing can beat the idea of staying on track and not feeling lost. By doing this, we will always be reminded why we started to commit on the things that we want to do. After all, what makes us love what we do is knowing why we started it in the first place. The problem with us is that we are too busy achieving, losing the time to see the colors of the ordinary. We are blinded with the idea that success comes with great productivity. We always think that we are defined by how much work we exerted, and not appreciating the effort we’ve given. The fact is you are already successful in acknowledging that you have done something, and nothing.
???????????????? ???????????????????????????????? ???????????????????? ???????????? #???????????????????????????????????????? 2.0 HOME MADE UBE CHEESE PANDESAL Bright-purple pandesal buns that reveal a center of melted cheese when pulled apart. INGREDIENTS: 6 cups All purpose Flour 3 tsp. Instant Dry Yeast 1/2 tsp. Salt 1/2 cup Sugar 1/4 cup Ube Powder 3/4 cup Warm Milk 3/4 cup Warm Water 2 Eggs (Beaten) 1 Tbsp. Ube Flavor 1 cup Ube Halaya 200 grams quickmelt cheese Breadcrumbs For procedure you can visit the link below. https://youtu.be/tgyq0JRbwBs
Sailormoon is my all time favorite Anime Character (hello 90's kids)! Sailormoon inspired me so much from Girl Power, my artworks, to my ootds and so on and so forth. So to add up my love for Sailormoon here are some of my Sailormoon Inspired OOTD's I have wore before Quarantine :) You can also check my other Sailormoon OOTD's here http://lilmissjaninekaye.blogspot.com/2020/05/ootd-sailormoon-edition.html
At 11 years old, I remember creating my very first (failed) portrait of Heart Evangelista that I saw at a Total Girl magazine. Today, I’m creating commission portraits that I could only hope to make at age 11. Because I previously submitted the photos of this piece in progress, I decided to submit the finished piece. Again, thank you Candy Magazine for featuring and publishing my artworks!