It has been almost a year, but in my mind your words are still crystal clear. "I love you but I just can't be with you." 10 words put together that just made no sense to me that night. Hearing "have a Merry Christmas" instead, could have made my heart flutter.
How much more bittersweet could that night get? The Christmas spirit was at its best–bright lights at the park and jolly carollers everywhere in the village. Everything just made me happy, everything was just the way Christmas had always been for us. Then there you were, staring into my eyes, telling me after all this time, that you felt the same way, but not just quite how I've pictured that moment to be.
"I love you but I just can't be with you." What was that supposed to mean? No love story ever used this line. I was not trained to respond to this. I knew you could see confusion in my eyes, so you decided to speak again, "It's you and me, we don't have to be together to love each other. We'll work something out." You nearly convinced me there. I was starting to see the brighter side of the situation. The night went on as planned, with me hoping us "working things out" would begin tomorrow.
Tomorrow never came. I waited and waited and waited and waited, for the tomorrow I've been waiting for to come, but it never did. I always thought that if having you as a friend was the only way I could have you in my life, I was going to take it, and protect it in the best way I knew possible. Even if it meant keeping my feelings to myself. So that's what I did all these years. I took the risk to let you know how I felt that night, cause you were worth every risk to me. Why didn't you want to risk with me? Why didn't you want to risk for me? We could've been brave together. People say never to change for anyone, and I guess that was the problem. You couldn't change for me. You couldn't be brave for me.
Time went by, and we were back to what we've always been. We never spoke of that night again. I'd like to believe that it was because we were better at keeping our feelings to ourselves. It's like you were this Christmas gift that was taken back, the one that was there but never really was. For the record, it wasn't that I wanted a label; I can survive without that. I just wanted assurance, but it turns out you couldn't give me that, too. You've always been that kind of person who's always just one foot in. You'd always just want to test the waters. You never told me what you wanted us to be. We never tried to work things out. Was I supposed to keep guessing what you were thinking? Was I supposed to keep trying to find my place in your life? I got sick of being stuck in limbo, it's the worst place to be.
It has been almost a year, but in my mind your words are still crystal clear. "I love you but I just can't be with you." 10 words put together that just made no sense to me that night. I can't say I've let that night go, but day by day, I'm getting by. And you seem to be fine. I started to pay more attention to the things I didn't see when you were who I always put first.
I might not ever get over the fact that of all the days you could have chosen to break my heart, you chose Christmas Eve. I'll never feel that same Christmas spirit again, because you will always be there at the back of my mind. No bright lights or jolly carollers could change this for me. Happy Holidays to you.
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