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To That Person I Am Hopelessly In Love With

When you love someone and he has no idea.
PHOTO F Word Productions Inc.

"I like the way he looks at me. Like I want to believe in myself" —Serena Van der Woodsen

First of all, I want to let you know, I am not desperate and I'm not basing my happiness on finding my one, perfect love. I am the girl, you sit beside with every day in school, with a serious look on her face, pretending I don't care. I am the girl, you've always thought of as outspoken, someone who is crazy and bipolar. I am the noisy girl who eats chocolate cake secretly at the library or the girl who is constantly feeling terrible at how her grades turned out. I am the smart, non-conformist, and talkative girl you've always thought of. Partly, yes maybe. Although you should know, I am the girl who secretly hopes for you. 

Sometimes, I wonder how I got here or how I've ever known you. My feelings stand between infatuation and love, but I still want to believe that this is just a case of simple attraction. I felt it, when you held my hands and told me, "You can do it" when hope was not clear and loneliness reigns. My friends told me I am being friendzoned—but then again we were never friends in the first place. We just knew each other as classmates. We weren't even close enough for me to consider myself being friendzoned.

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I blame my books for putting me in a fairytale mentality, putting me up with the belief of destiny and fate. Thinking there would be that perfect slow motion moment when you and I suddenly meet. But that just isn't right, because I knew we were never really for each other. You have never thought of me as a girl who is in love, but a girl who is reading and fantasizing about her dreams in life. Often, I am blabbing about how frustrated I am with my exam grades but really I just want to hear you say, "It's okay." However, this is not a movie nor a John Green book. And, I am no Shailene Woodley. 

There were times when I couldn't experience something without wishing you were there to see it, too. I will wait for you to talk to me and when you don't, I'd still wait. I will wait for that beep on my phone, or that moment will we will magically bump into each other and you'll throw a quick "hi" my way, but I'll always go the other way. Things get awkward and I don't always get noticed. Sometimes, I'd look at you and I'll pretend I was looking for someone or I'll act as if I am busy with school stuff. There are days, when I will call for you and ask you about our homework, trying to be nonchalant about it, but deep inside my heart keeps on beating. You took my breath away and you still have no idea.

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I keep on writing about you and tomorrow you'd ask me about this, maybe even ask, "Who's this for?" But you'll never know that this is about you, because I'll tell you it's fictional and I'll laugh and tell you jokes. But all I want is for you to know, that this is how I feel for you. But I'll never tell. 

Standing between love and infatuation,
The Girl with Unrequited Love

Anna Patricia D. Parcia is a 19-year-old student from Ateneo de Naga University.

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Katherine Go 14 hours ago

Cold Food

The most thrilling and delightful moment of any school day is opening up your baon during breaks. There is always so much excitement in unveiling your homemade meal and snacks housed inside matching heat-insulating containers. Because preparing packed meals is an age-old tradition of showing parental love, loved ones pour effort into curating a nutritious meal accompanied by a selection of side dishes, desserts, and beverages daily; it reminds us that we are being taken care of, even from far away.

Baon plays a significant role in a Filipino childhood. Almost every Filipino child comes to school with baon made especially for them by their parents or household helpers. Even Filipinos in the labor force continue to bring baon for varying reasons: to save money, recycle leftovers, cater to personal taste, or attend to special needs. Nonetheless, eating your baon is a heart-warming experience that allows Filipinos to bring a piece of home along with them wherever they go.

Even other cultures practice making packed lunch. In Japan, mothers create bento--Japanese meals in partitioned boxes. Because of the popularity of bento, trends have emerged, such as the Kyaraben, or character-themed bento. Naturally, Japanese parents and students began competing for who had the cutest and tastiest bento, and this is similar to what I have witnessed in my own childhood. I remember seeing my classmates sharing their snacks and lunches. They would compare and boast about their parents' or yayas’ cooking. In my case, I never had the chance to join in the competition or indulge in homemade cooking. Up until this day, I have never brought any baon to school.

For a long time, I envied others. As trivial or petty as it may seem, not having baon became a problem for my grade school self. During that time, I had to sit in a separate cafeteria away from my friends because the kids who bought food were assigned to sit elsewhere. You could consider me spoiled, but I wanted to experience something most kids did. I had food at home, so what made it so hard to bring some with me to school?

Now that I am on my final year in high school I have come to realize the benefits of purchasing my own food. Since I spent on food everyday, I learned to budget my allowance at a young age. Over the years, I learned to practice self-control whenever I wanted to eat more greasy fries and drink sweetened beverages. I have tasted the strangest viands at the school cafeterias, and I have repeatedly satiated myself over my latest delicious discoveries. Despite the struggles, I am thankful that I have never had baon because of what I have learned. Not to mention, I never had to experience eating cold food.

Choosing between dreams and practicality is never easy. My CETs season just ended with the release of the UPCAT results. Anxious as I logged on the website, I started to think about what would happen if I didn't pass UP. Ever since I was six years old, I fixated on the idea that I will become an iska, serving the country and studying at my dream school, which is UP. I strived and studied hard for the UPCAT, sacrificing a lot of things like hang-outs and gala weekends for reviews.

Throughout my CETs journey, I started seeing myself studying only in UP, and while there were no results yet, my friends and I already started planning our lives around the fact that we're gonna study in UP. It was a big deal for me, my friends and my family that I get the chance to study in UP since it's so far from my hometown which is Benguet, and better yet, it's a very well known university.

January 2020 came and universities started releasing CETs results. I was expecting my DCAT and ACET results that month. I passed DCAT but brushed it off because even though I liked the school, I never really saw myself studying there. Same thoughts with Ateneo, since it never really crossed my mind that I might study in ADMU. In fact, Ateneo was never really a choice for me, I only took it just to have another choice in case I failed the UPCAT. I also applied for financial aid not because I was really planning on studying there, but more of "para lang sure na may college ako". I know it's a bad thing but they were just my back-up schools because my main goal was really UP.

One Friday afternoon, ACET results came out. I passed, managed to get a scholarship, and in that moment, my plans just started to crumble.

Seeing that I got a 100% tuition and fees discount, free dorm fees, and an additional book allowance got me into considering studying to Ateneo. Suddenly, I got torn between UP, my dream school, and Ateneo, which offers so much more.

As the months passed, and after talking to my parents, my plans and decisions got more jumbled and messy. I still wanted to go to UP even if there were no results yet but Ateneo offering so much would mean a lesser burden to my parents in terms of finances.

Even though my parents told me that they'll support me no matter where I choose to go, the practicality that Ateneo offers in terms of finances was not an easy thing to waive. Sometimes I would laugh at the fact that I'd spend less on a private school than on a state university. Talking to my friends helped somehow, but they also have various opinions about the two universities. I managed to tell myself to hold off the problem until UPCAT results get released, and so I did.

UP released the UPCAT results and seeing that I passed made me scream and cry, literally. At that moment, all I was thinking was that I passed my dream school and I'm officially a QC college student.

My parents were so proud of me even though they got scared because I screamed, but ultimately, they were happy for me. The next day, I sat down, stared at my UPCAT and ACET results, and told myself that I needed to decide. This was the hardest part. I tried deciding using the pros and cons method but it didn't really work. Talking to my parents also didn't help because they'd support me either way, so their judgement was not a factor at all. I also had the same course in both schools so that wasn't a big help. I was 99% close to letting go of my dream university and decide to go to Ateneo.

I weighed options and Ateneo was the cheaper and more practical option. I also started to see myself studying as a blue eagle, roaming around the campus etc. And financially, I didn't need to worry much except for food. At that point, I started to really like the idea of going to Ateneo more than studying in UP. But then, as the weeks went by, the Ateneo Plan started to lose my interest.

I realized that studying in Ateneo would be a great opportunity, but not something that will really make me happy. The finances and all would be so much better but I wouldn't be happy and content, and I felt that Ateneo couldn't give me everything that I wanted and needed. Then a light bulb lit up.

As I was imagining myself at UP, I ultimately felt that happiness and content that I didn't feel with Ateneo. I realized that, if I didn't study in UP, I know later in my life, I would regret it. I would regret not choosing my dream university because I didn't choose what would make me happy.

In short, I chose my dream over practicality. I know that I would be successful in both tracks, but I simply chose my dream because it is where I'm happier and more content. Besides, we can make our dreams practical but not all the time can the practical choice equate to our dreams. So to those having a hard time choosing between dreams and practicality, weigh it out and always remember to put yourself and your happiness first. And of course, choose the choice that you know you'll not regret later on.

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