To That Person I Am Hopelessly In Love With
"I like the way he looks at me. Like I want to believe in myself" —Serena Van der Woodsen
First of all, I want to let you know, I am not desperate and I'm not basing my happiness on finding my one, perfect love. I am the girl, you sit beside with every day in school, with a serious look on her face, pretending I don't care. I am the girl, you've always thought of as outspoken, someone who is crazy and bipolar. I am the noisy girl who eats chocolate cake secretly at the library or the girl who is constantly feeling terrible at how her grades turned out. I am the smart, non-conformist, and talkative girl you've always thought of. Partly, yes maybe. Although you should know, I am the girl who secretly hopes for you.
Sometimes, I wonder how I got here or how I've ever known you. My feelings stand between infatuation and love, but I still want to believe that this is just a case of simple attraction. I felt it, when you held my hands and told me, "You can do it" when hope was not clear and loneliness reigns. My friends told me I am being friendzoned—but then again we were never friends in the first place. We just knew each other as classmates. We weren't even close enough for me to consider myself being friendzoned.
I blame my books for putting me in a fairytale mentality, putting me up with the belief of destiny and fate. Thinking there would be that perfect slow motion moment when you and I suddenly meet. But that just isn't right, because I knew we were never really for each other. You have never thought of me as a girl who is in love, but a girl who is reading and fantasizing about her dreams in life. Often, I am blabbing about how frustrated I am with my exam grades but really I just want to hear you say, "It's okay." However, this is not a movie nor a John Green book. And, I am no Shailene Woodley.
There were times when I couldn't experience something without wishing you were there to see it, too. I will wait for you to talk to me and when you don't, I'd still wait. I will wait for that beep on my phone, or that moment will we will magically bump into each other and you'll throw a quick "hi" my way, but I'll always go the other way. Things get awkward and I don't always get noticed. Sometimes, I'd look at you and I'll pretend I was looking for someone or I'll act as if I am busy with school stuff. There are days, when I will call for you and ask you about our homework, trying to be nonchalant about it, but deep inside my heart keeps on beating. You took my breath away and you still have no idea.
I keep on writing about you and tomorrow you'd ask me about this, maybe even ask, "Who's this for?" But you'll never know that this is about you, because I'll tell you it's fictional and I'll laugh and tell you jokes. But all I want is for you to know, that this is how I feel for you. But I'll never tell.
Standing between love and infatuation,
The Girl with Unrequited Love
Anna Patricia D. Parcia is a 19-year-old student from Ateneo de Naga University.