The Pressure of Being a Smart Girl
I've always been an honor student ever since I started studying. My grades were consistently high and I was always part of the group that marched last during recognition days or graduations because I had special awards. Time and again, I was a role model, taking home certificates and ribbons and medals, my parents always proudly smiling at my side as the cameras flashed.
Around the fourth grade, I started breaking down from the pressure. There were expectations from every side of the family bearing down on me like the whole world. My grades dropped, and I fell from the Top 3 in our grade level.
Despite this, I was still encouraged to enroll in a Science High School and surprisingly, I passed. My parents were thrilled, but I felt down. What would it be like there? Will I excel or will I fail? I tried not to think about it, but it lulled at the back of my mind.
My four years in a Science High School taught me one main thing: You may not be the top notcher, but you're the best in your own way. Unlike in elementary school, I never became an honor student in high school and never had an award for academics. But I felt like I fit in with the people there and the environment. We joined forces in trying to understand a lesson, and we patted each other's backs as we received our test scores. I didn't feel pressured to be anything or anyone. I was just the writer, the project conceptualizer, the graphic artist because I wanted to be that.
I was busy and rather stressed most of the time, but I still enjoyed what I did. Everyone accepted me for who I am, and encouraged me to improve. If I didn't exactly meet the expected grade, people were sympathetic, saying that it's okay and I can do better.
Unfortunately, I had to transfer schools for senior high because my chosen strand, which is the ABM strand, was not being offered by my school. The new school was promising and I felt confident that I could adapt quite easily, despite not having any friends friends yet. Before the start of the school year, I decided that I would lay low and not draw too much attention to myself.
That plan failed. From the very beginning, even as I tried to be somewhat quiet about it, my background as a Science High School graduate was emphasized. I was questioned as to why I chose ABM as a strand instead of STEM, and why I did not want to be a doctor.
I was questioned as to why I chose ABM as a strand instead of STEM, and why I did not want to be a doctor.
It didn't help either that I seemed to excel in most of my subjects, earning praise from my teachers and my peers. I couldn't seem to shut off my skills when I wanted to hide and not have attention drawn to me.
It was more difficult this time to meet expectations, since almost everyone looked at me like I was the one who should be followed, like everything I did and said was automatically right. I was assigned to be a leader several times, I was one of the people they turned to for answers. They viewed me as someone who could always have high scores.
But I knew I couldn't do it. I knew that I was going to get a low grade, and then I worried about what they would think of me and my previous school. Out of everything I was afraid of, I was terrified of being disappointed in myself.
Soon enough, I dropped from the top 10 ranking and I was asked again and again: What happened? I didn't want to discuss it.
I think it was the stress, I think I let the pressure get to me again and I let it tear me down. I wanted to go back to my old school. I wanted to feel like it was okay to not have high grades anymore. I wanted to not have any eyes on me anymore every time I did something. I didn't want the constant questions or the assumption that I knew absolutely everything.
I wanted to feel like it was okay to not have high grades anymore.
These expectations follow me around to this day and it bothers me because in truth, I'm really just ordinary. I'm good at English, and sometimes I have a hard time solving Math problems. Yes, I came from a Science High School, but there are some areas of Science that I can't excel in. I have my skills and capabilities, and I have my weaknesses, which I do not deny.
I guess what I'm saying is we are all capable of doing different things. Even the ones who appear to be brilliant at first can still have downfalls. Someone's background in education is not always the best basis for how good they are, nor should it define what they should be. We are all good at something, and although some may be better at other things, you shouldn't downgrade yourself.
Someone's background in education is not always the best basis for how good they are, nor should it define what they should be.
Lesson learned: Don't doubt yourself. If you can do it, do it. It's okay to be a little better than others at some subjects, and it's okay to not be as great with other subjects. It doesn't mean that you can't do great things, no matter where you came from.
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I've been investing in arts, photography, and writing. I've also got back to reading the other day and I finished reading this amazing book entitled 300 Things I Hope by Iain S. Thomas. It is all about the things the author hopes his readers to do in all aspects of life. So, I decided to make a version of it with all of the things I'm hoping for.
I hope I get to see my friends be successful in life. I hope to make a big mural someday. I hope to be a well-known artist like the artists I look up to. I hope to marry the person I am in love with today. I hope to be a little kinder to myself. I hope to see happiness even in the smallest things. I hope to travel the world. I hope to be a good mother and a wife to my future family. I hope to have my artworks displayed in a gallery or an exhibit. I hope to learn more about creative writing. I hope I won't learn how to get tired and give up my passion. I hope I won't get too hard on myself whenever I don't get the results I've been wanting to see in my works. I hope to love myself more even on the days I hate it the most. I hope to lead and empower women; to be their voice and for them to believe in themselves that they can be the woman they look up to. And when I've reached my limit of these things, I hope I won't get tired of reminding myself that my emotions don't make me weak, hence, makes me stronger. These are some of the things I always hope for. What about you? What are you hoping for?
I started fixing myself this quarantine. I mean, I started trying makeup products. As a teen, I'm on my phone almost every hour of the day, scroll on my social media accounts, especially Instagram, and also Pinterest where you get to see nice and pleasing photography by bunch of amazing and beautiful people from different parts of the world. So I started taking my own as well. I did not know that taking your own photo and try to get an Instagramable one is sooooooooo hard, it's exhausting. I do not have alot of space in my room, and I would definitely not do it outside our house because of Corona Virus, and I don't want to be seen by our neighbors HAHA so I have no choice but to make tiis inside my room.
Out of atleast 25 shots, only 2 are a nice picture. While I'm all sweaty and tired, I am proud of what I could do beyond my comfort zone. And this definitely built my self confidence, (and I secret love the compliments I received from both people I know and don't know) It's not my first time visiting in here, Candy! But I'm new to writing my thoughts and experiences, so bare with me HAHA.
Until next time!
First. Pixie dust and paper cuts – these are the first things Wendy knew about Peter Pan. Aurora first met Prince Philip when she was sixteen. Learning how to ride a bike was also a first while I was growing up, but you are probably the first of too many. The first collection of dust and stars; maybe Luna will try to ask, who was your first? I might answer and tell her that it was you.
The first of too many stars in the sky. You are the first of too many fallen leaves during fall – and you will be the most anticipated snowflake as winter comes. A dark path that you can’t see without any light, hence, you were once the moon and there are the stars that shine so bright at night. Are we too early? Or we just really want to be ahead of time? Even in a glimpse, I would like to see the two of us connect as if we can reach the sky. There are other parts of the heavens you have never saw and other oceans you haven’t laid your feet onto – but the constellations will always wait for you. Close your eyes, love, close your eyes. Start counting backward: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Count backward until you see the twinkling lights that will guide you to the right path. To the right satellite; to the right person. A first.
There are many firsts – first love, first heartbreak, first sport you played, the first thing you do in the morning, the first thing you remember about the person in front of you. There are a lot. It’s actually up to us how we will consider something as a first. So, Primo, you are already a first of too many.