We stop at wondering, never moving forward and never looking back.
It's always been like this between us. We tend to stay in our bubble, never wanting to face the unspoken feelings we have for each other. I often think to myself—why couldn't we just confront these admirations? It'll be a whole lot easier that way. We wouldn't have this sometimes awkward tension between us, and we wouldn't feel uneasy of each other's presence. We would never feel the need to send signals, and the tendency to avoid or ignore them when received. We would never have our what ifs, because we would know what is.
But that isn't the solution with us, is it?
I suppose love just works its magic on some people. In others, love needs to be discovered—love needs to be confronted. And in a few other people, the ones like us, love is just left fleeting in the air, waiting to be blown far away by the wind we create ourselves.We leave it up in the air for so long, that it just doesn't make sense anymore to pull it down. It's there—just there—and we let it be, because what use is there to meddle with it?
I often find myself wanting to give up on us, but I can never fully bring myself to that getting over process—how could I, when you make it so difficult to say no? We move around the same circle, and as long as we do, both of us won't be able to escape this feeling. This feeling traps us—it sounds so cliché, but really, how can we leave when all we want to do is stay? How can we move on from something that still has full potential? How can we develop that potential, if we're too afraid to try? If we're too cautious to confront it? If we’re too proud to admit it?
Maybe for now, the solution isn't to face the problem, but to simply move around it. Maybe our love is just meant to exist in separate fantasies. Perhaps it is only in those places that it will blossom and realize its worth, and it is only after that that we'll be able to face the feelings we have for each other. Keeping a love secret is not avoiding and denying one's feelings—it's a safe place for people like us, who just don't feel love's strength as much to take a risk and leap. It's still half-baked, still young and immature, to be taken seriously.
Maybe our love is just meant to exist in separate fantasies.
It's human nature really—we seek for a safe zone to not cause harm or damage to ourselves. We choose security over vulnerability, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Love doesn't always need to be about the big risks we take (or are willing to). In the end, our happiness is what's important, and for now, that happiness is meant to stay sealed in our minds and hearts. The what ifs will stay where they are, and the doubts will continue to linger. Questions will keep wandering our minds, and overthinking may get the best of us, perhaps even more than once. But no matter what, I believe the best solution we have is to keep this love secret, at least for now. It’s not the ideal place to be, nor is it the ideal state we want to be in, but it's something to hold on to, and that's really all we need right now.