Celebrating a Blue Christmas
Many would say that death is just a part of life; that after a death of someone close to you there's nothing left to do but to move on.
Easier said than done.
It's been days since my grandmother went on a wonderful journey into meeting her creator. It's also been days since I last slept well. It's been days of surreal feelings. It's been days of hidden sadness and grief.
How can one move on from losing a huge part of her life?
My grandmother has always been with me, even before I was brought to this world. She was one of the people who was excited and elated to hear the news about my mother's pregnancy. She was one of the busiest when I came to this world and one of the proudest even before she knew what I was capable of. She already believed in me and saw potential in what I could become.
We had a great grandmother-granddaughter relationship. Growing up, we became frenemies because, like many other grandparents, she was also strict. I remember her not allowing me to play with my new toys because she didn't want my toys to get broken. Neither did she allow me to go out and play with my friends when the sun was striking hot, or even when it had already set. Of course I was bummed with all her restrictions—I was a kid. But strictness aside, she was also one of my enablers. I was not fond of eating fruits or vegetables growing up, so she would often go to the kitchen during meal time and prepare a different dish for me. She would get upset at first, and I would receive a bit of scolding, but she would end up granting my request. She never wanted me to waste my food nor get hungry. She was also my primary critic. During my teenage years, she would always be the first to tell me that my clothes didn't match, or that they didn’t look good on me, which was my cue to change clothes.
For twenty-four years she was there to support me; she was there to change my frown-worthy ways; she was there to show me how being a lover of life lives; how it's always better to give than to receive; and how whether you're sad or sick, Jollibee always makes things better.
I always don't know what to say to people when someone close to them passes, now I know why. The sincere condolences, the deep sympathies, and the uplifting words don't really do anything because they can't bring your loved one back. To be honest, they don't help me move on.
They do help me realize that my grandmother is actually gone—for good; that she's not here with us on Christmas; that we won't get another chance to watch movies together; that we won't get to eat at Jollibee with a huge discount, all thanks to her senior citizen card.ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
It's been more than a week, and at times I do find myself smiling and even laughing at funny things again. But at night, I still cry myself to sleep. I am still longing for her presence at home. I still think about what we would do the next time I'm home from my work abroad. But alas, those won't be possible anymore.
It pains me to think that I may not have done everything that I could to make her feel my love; to make her feel my affection; to make her feel that I care. It's excruciating to be reminded that I was a stubborn granddaughter to her; I did not respect her at times; and possibly gave her numerous headaches. And yet, despite all those heartaches I gave her, she still loved me—even more.
Moving on from a loss of a family member, or someone dear to you is never easy.ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW
The joy they made us feel while they were still with us might just be as painful as the day they left us, sometimes even more. There would be a lot of sleepless nights, wet pillows, and drafts of letters of unsaid love, care, gratefulness, and apologies. We have to experience all that pain because there are no shortcuts. We may need to undergo a long process of overcoming sadness and grief, but it is also in that long process that we'll learn to accept and move on from the pain of yesterday and live our lives with smiles on our faces again because our loved ones are also smiling down on us, for sure.
Lola, I know you are in a much better place now. You're free from the heartaches and pains. All I hope, ask, and pray is that I somehow made you feel loved how a superwoman like you should be loved; that I’ve shown how I was, and forever will be thankful for everything you've done for me; that I appreciate every sacrifice you made especially for me; that I love you and that I'll surely miss you for eternity.
What're you up to today? Submit your OOTD, fanfic, essay, school project, org event, a pic of your latest hobby, or anything you want to be posted on the Candy Bulletin page!
I've been investing in arts, photography, and writing. I've also got back to reading the other day and I finished reading this amazing book entitled 300 Things I Hope by Iain S. Thomas. It is all about the things the author hopes his readers to do in all aspects of life. So, I decided to make a version of it with all of the things I'm hoping for.
I hope I get to see my friends be successful in life. I hope to make a big mural someday. I hope to be a well-known artist like the artists I look up to. I hope to marry the person I am in love with today. I hope to be a little kinder to myself. I hope to see happiness even in the smallest things. I hope to travel the world. I hope to be a good mother and a wife to my future family. I hope to have my artworks displayed in a gallery or an exhibit. I hope to learn more about creative writing. I hope I won't learn how to get tired and give up my passion. I hope I won't get too hard on myself whenever I don't get the results I've been wanting to see in my works. I hope to love myself more even on the days I hate it the most. I hope to lead and empower women; to be their voice and for them to believe in themselves that they can be the woman they look up to. And when I've reached my limit of these things, I hope I won't get tired of reminding myself that my emotions don't make me weak, hence, makes me stronger. These are some of the things I always hope for. What about you? What are you hoping for?
I started fixing myself this quarantine. I mean, I started trying makeup products. As a teen, I'm on my phone almost every hour of the day, scroll on my social media accounts, especially Instagram, and also Pinterest where you get to see nice and pleasing photography by bunch of amazing and beautiful people from different parts of the world. So I started taking my own as well. I did not know that taking your own photo and try to get an Instagramable one is sooooooooo hard, it's exhausting. I do not have alot of space in my room, and I would definitely not do it outside our house because of Corona Virus, and I don't want to be seen by our neighbors HAHA so I have no choice but to make tiis inside my room.
Out of atleast 25 shots, only 2 are a nice picture. While I'm all sweaty and tired, I am proud of what I could do beyond my comfort zone. And this definitely built my self confidence, (and I secret love the compliments I received from both people I know and don't know) It's not my first time visiting in here, Candy! But I'm new to writing my thoughts and experiences, so bare with me HAHA.
Until next time!
First. Pixie dust and paper cuts – these are the first things Wendy knew about Peter Pan. Aurora first met Prince Philip when she was sixteen. Learning how to ride a bike was also a first while I was growing up, but you are probably the first of too many. The first collection of dust and stars; maybe Luna will try to ask, who was your first? I might answer and tell her that it was you.
The first of too many stars in the sky. You are the first of too many fallen leaves during fall – and you will be the most anticipated snowflake as winter comes. A dark path that you can’t see without any light, hence, you were once the moon and there are the stars that shine so bright at night. Are we too early? Or we just really want to be ahead of time? Even in a glimpse, I would like to see the two of us connect as if we can reach the sky. There are other parts of the heavens you have never saw and other oceans you haven’t laid your feet onto – but the constellations will always wait for you. Close your eyes, love, close your eyes. Start counting backward: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Count backward until you see the twinkling lights that will guide you to the right path. To the right satellite; to the right person. A first.
There are many firsts – first love, first heartbreak, first sport you played, the first thing you do in the morning, the first thing you remember about the person in front of you. There are a lot. It’s actually up to us how we will consider something as a first. So, Primo, you are already a first of too many.