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I Wish You Had Told Me

How could I have known?
PHOTOS The CW

The two of you were always so close. By the time I thought things were getting serious, I decided to get over my feelings for you and move on. "It was never going to happen between the two of us," I told myself. Your relationship with her seemed almost perfect that I didn't see any possibility in breaking that, not that I had any intention to. It's been almost two years now—almost two years since you chose her—since you chose to damage me and ruin my heart. Almost two years that I have struggled to move on and arrive at that point where I decided not to feel anything for you anymore. And after all the trouble I've gone through to get over you, I find out—you had feelings for me, too.

Why didn't you say anything? Why couldn't you just tell me how you felt? I took the risk, I confessed, but all you did was push me away. You may have been clueless, but the sight of you with her has always served as a reminder that you will never be mine, and that there will never be an "us." I felt a terrible sting of envy every time I saw you with her. I wanted to not exist, so that I wouldn't feel my heart break the way it did.

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I wanted you, no matter what anyone else said. I may have been naive, but at least I was brave enough to admit what I felt, when I felt it. And after all this time, you still couldn’t look me in the eye, and tell me what you felt, what you feel, and what you want.

I need closure. Help me understand. I don't know how. You pushed away any chance of there being an "us." Why did you do it?  I've tried so hard to forget, gone through so many struggles to move on, but it's as if everything is relapsing. Thoughts of what could've been haunt my head, and thoughts of what could be haunt my heart. How could I have known? The signs weren't there, at least not the ones I hoped would be there. What was there was ignorance. What was there was avoidance. 

No. I realize now, it's pointless to love you again. What is love, if the timing is wrong? What is love, if you couldn't confess it? What is love, if you couldn’'t give it? What is love, if you couldn't make me feel it? You will never make sacrifices, you will never move. You will never take chances, you will never take a leap. You will never be the guy I need, you will only be the guy I want. 

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I cannot wait for you, because that would be waiting for nothing. I have to let you go—I already have—at least I thought so. But now, I need myself to mean it. I'm willing to repeat the course I've gone through, if it would mean that it would be worth it. No more waiting for you, no more hoping that you'd choose me. I deserve so much more than to believe in false hope, only to be let down eventually. You've given me something to look forward to, but now, I need to look past it.

I believe a love unrequited should only be felt once. But ours was not unrequited. You were just afraid. And with a love that's afraid, you can only give so many chances until the heart gets tired, and you're left with none.

I wish you had told me. I wish you had the courage to let me know.

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About the author
Arra Bayan
Candymag.com Correspondent
Your free-spirited #hugot animal. I am an adrenaline junkie who is always on the look-out for adventure. I live by the three Fs: Food, fitness, and fun!
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