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I'm Finally Ready to Move On

I will no longer be the receiver of your ignorance.
IMAGE salmianna.tumblr.com

Love blinds us. Oftentimes, in ways we could barely imagine. There are moments when that feeling of euphoria we get tends to overpower reality and we fail to remember who we are. We continue to lose ourselves in the void of uncertainty and we abandon sight of what we need for what we want. For some, falling in love is as much a risk as it is a reward. And once reaped, the risks would have been worth it. I thought of that, too. With you, every sacrifice I made seemed worthwhile. It was you. The thought of resisting just couldn't cross my mind. But then days passed, and eventually, months. The value I once saw in our potential diminished and faded. I learned the hard way to not fall for potential.

I fell in love with the idea of us, never really seeing the reality of our impossibility.

The first few days I felt optimistic. Months passed and I was hopeful. But then time kept happening, and you continued to keep me waiting. You have to understand—the heart gets tired too. There's only so much pain it can endure and so much hope it can withstand until it decides to give up and no longer persevere. It took a while for my heart to get there, but now, it finally is. Looking back, there weren't even signs. What existed were just made-up thoughts inside my head hoping to break through and come true. I allowed myself to create a fantasy that you prevented from ever happening.

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I fell for the make-believe happiness that was you and me.

It's funny how people have all these ideas of love lingering through their minds—a perfect happy ending, a drift off into the sunset, a lifetime of joy and contentment. I stood by you, thinking we'd be able to arrive at that place where we could be together, and prove these ideas right. I waited for you, because every moment seemed perfect when it contained the two of us. I loved you, hoping you'd realize you felt the same way, too. But I set my expectations so high, that I fell down so low. It wasn't even a quick drop—it was one that I had to endure for an awfully long time. And now that I’ve finally reached rock bottom, I realize that I'm finally ready to move on.

It surprised me too. I never really welcomed the possibility of waking up one day and no longer having feelings for you. Loving someone can seem so infinite and promising sometimes; we just couldn’t imagine letting go.I thought to myself, "I've invested so much to just plainly let this go." But I was determined to shake you off. I couldn't stand all these hopes and dreams I had for us just waiting to be plucked out of my head. It was too much of a burden to have them wandering around, when I knew for sure you weren't going to do anything. I wasn't strong enough to make you move, and I surely wasn't worthy to make you love me.

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I never really welcomed the possibility of waking up one day and no longer having feelings for you.

I don't solely blame you for everything that's happened though. You see, that's the thing everyone needs to know about loving someone—you can't always point the finger on the other person. We didn't happen, maybe because you weren't the person that I needed. We didn't happen, perhaps because you weren't who I wanted you to be. We didn't happen, maybe because I had all these expectations that you just wouldn't be able to meet. It's useless to chase after an object of your affection when you're just not meant to have it. No matter how strongly and desperately you want something, you will always come across fate, and only fate can decide if you're meant for it. Sometimes it's just fitting to leave things the way they are—untouched and unbothered.

The way I see it now, perhaps it wasn't even love I felt for you. I pushed myself towards you thinking you'd catch my fall. But you didn’t. You watched me pour my weight to the ground. I felt your eyes on me—you wanted to help me get back up. But you didn't, because you were afraid. You were afraid to feel something, and you were afraid to risk some things. I reached my hand out and made you feel that I needed you. I made myself feel that I needed you. But amidst all that, I understood that I was capable of standing up on my own. I was complete with myself, and I could move on with myself.

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About the author
Arra Bayan
Candymag.com Correspondent
Your free-spirited #hugot animal. I am an adrenaline junkie who is always on the look-out for adventure. I live by the three Fs: Food, fitness, and fun!
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