Have You Ever Written Your Feelings Down On Paper?
It's exactly nine in the evening and Kate still couldn’t bring herself to sleep. She just couldn't forget what she has just realized, that she's in love with her best friend.
It all started when they met for coffee two weeks ago. The guy who looked so plainly to her slowly became attractive. She loved Brian's company, every bit of it. She loved just how easily she could talk to him about anything. She loved that she could be herself around him.
But something about Brian was off since that day. He was less talkative, less engaging to be exact. They used to study together until last minute cancellations became more frequent. Kate also noticed just how much in a hurry he was whenever they were together. She tried to ask but he just shrugged and said, "Been busy, Kate. You know, final exams and all." But Kate knew better. They've been through so many final exams already, so why now?
Kate and Brian have been best friends for God knows how long. They've been through high school proms and graduations. She feared that the best friend she once had would slowly learn to exist without her especially now that she’s fallen in love with him.
But how can a girl tell her best friend that she's fallen in love with him? How can she risk losing him?
In the middle of that confusing night, Kate finally felt the consequence of loving the wrong person. "You can't be in love with him, Kate," she told herself. Then tears streamed down her face. She realized just how wrong it was. Brian does not and will never like her. Because he's in love with somebody else. Of course, she knew, she's his best friend after all. So, not in a million years will Brian say, "I love you too, Kate."
So Kate did what she did best. She wrote Brian a letter. One that captures all her emotions: honest and bitter at the same time. She thought that telling him is the best thing to do. Yes, it might send Brian away but it will set her free. The weight and pain of loving someone without him knowing is something Kate couldn't bear.
She looked for a pen and a clean sheet of paper, breathed deeply, and wrote:
Remember when we were kids? We used to write letters like this and then it stopped. I don't know why. Maybe because we started growing up. I hate growing up. It makes you forget things you shouldn't. I'm writing you a letter now just to remind you that I'm still here – the little girl you saved from falling from that mango tree. Haha. Remember that?
That day, you offered me something I couldn't refuse. How could I? You were so cute in that jumpsuit. You offered me a genuine friendship and so I said yes to a life with a boy I would soon call my best friend.
Years passed. We loved the same things and hated the same people. Until one day, you stopped being the Brian I used to know. Just when I was starting to love you, you just stopped caring about me, Bry. I don't know but maybe you sensed it, so you shut me off first before things get more complicated. You're such a smart ass.
The day in the coffee shop was the day I realized I wanted to be with you. But clearly, you didn't want to be with me. I tried to let my feelings go but they wouldn't. So I decided to let you go instead.
I don't want to be just your best friend, Brian. Before my feelings take over me, I'm setting you free. Because I can't be friends with the boy I love.
Every night I think of you. I think of what could be if we ever choose to try. But I'm scared because every time I've ever put myself out there, I've gotten hurt. Every time.
God knows I will miss you and our late night talks. I will miss watching movies with you. After college graduation, we're set to move to my grandma's house in the city and I hope to find a good job there. I don't know if we'll ever come back.
Unless you're in love with your best friend too, don't call me, alright? Maybe, if we're meant to be together, we'll find a way... One day.
Kate looked at the paper and closed her eyes. Once and for all, she had to do what needed to be done. She wiped her tears and tucked the paper in a box where all her unread letters were placed.
There's no way she could tell him her feelings. She couldn't give Brian that letter. If there's one lesson real life has taught her, it could be this: The princess doesn't always end up with the prince. And sometimes, even the brave surrenders to love.
Janessa Tek-ing blogs at http://theunwrittenmelody.tumblr.com/.