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Girl Code: The Heart Wants What It Wants

Sometimes, you just can't fight it.

SAM

Dear Diary,

Okay. Let's try this diary thing. Journaling. Whatever it is people call it. So... am I basically writing to myself? Like talking to myself? Okay. This is weird. Whatever, Lissa recommended I try keeping track of my thoughts so here I go.

A month since Ben and I broke up and we have not spoken to nor seen each other. It’s so weird. How does someone that used to be a part of your life every day just disappear? I’m still upset that he thinks this is all my fault. It’s so typical of him. I can’t really figure out my feelings these days. Do I miss him? Maybe I miss being somebody’s girlfriend more than I actually miss him. Having someone who knows everything about me. Like how I cry whenever the animals die in movies so he fast-forwards those parts… or that a good cheeseburger is all I need to turn a bad day around. It’s scary thinking about meeting someone new and waiting for them to learn all these things about me. Ben was so… familiar. He was home. I get it, though. I’m only 22 years old. I have my whole life ahead of me, as mom always says. I wonder how many times I’m going to have to do this whole dating thing before I find “the one.” God, that’s so cheesy… but it’s gotta be true, right? I mean, there must be someone out there who I’m going to end up with. Someone who can put up with my Snapchat addiction and shopping obsession and doesn’t think I’m shallow. Mom said that I should find someone who pays attention to my details. That sounds exhausting. I think I need to be single for a while. Focus on myself. Focus on work. Focus on friends and family. I talked to Rae yesterday. Well, we did this note thing that we used to do when we were younger. It was cute. I was supposed to watch The Notebook and ugly-cry with her. I should go see what she’s up to now.

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Hey, this diary thing is helping.

XOXO
Sam

RAE

Flipping through the pages of an issue of Candy, I waited for my pedicure to dry. I know, I know. Rae getting a pedicure? I 'usually allow anyone near my feet (it's a weird thing I have), let alone touch and alter them with sharp, metal things. But grad ball was nearing, and my mom insisted on getting my nails done. She literally dangled my camera in the air until I said yes. Ugh. Mom.

As I'm reading about The Vamps, I see a guy in a blue varsity jacket near me. It's Diego, James's teammate.

"Hey, Rae," he says as he hands me a pack of Polaroid films.

"Wha—?"

Diego just shrugs, laughs, and leaves.Confused, I read the note on the box: Now that your pedi's done, go to the playground to have some fun! X

The manicurists at the salon giggle and push each other. Are they in on this, too?

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I put my sandals on and am about to pay until I’'m told that "it's already been taken care of." By whom?! I fast-walk to the playground down the street, and I see another teammate, Seth. He dribbles a ball and chest passes it to me. I fumble and am about to bend down to pick up the ball when I feel Seth's hand grasp my shoulders from behind. Then he blindfolds me. Ohmygod am I getting kidnapped?! I'm about to kick and scream for my life until I hear a familiar voice say, "Relax. It's just me. Follow my lead!"

Mom?!

I'm too stunned to speak, so I just follow. Seth guides me inside a car I assume is Mom's by the familiar bubblegum air freshener scent. Seth is beside me, so Mom must be driving. Oh God we're gonna die. I hear Mom start the engine and say, "Buckle up, honey! We're going to the beach."

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CHARLIE 

Raya calling

Charlie: Oh my god, giiiirrrrllll, I see them!!

Raya: Huh? Who? Please tell me you're looking at the Azkals right now.

Raya: Please ask Neil Etheridge for his autograph!!!!For me. Please.

Charlie: Ugh, Raya, nooo!

Charlie: I see Rae and James!! They're together right now! In the court!!!!

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Raya: Ah... you got me all excited, girl!

Raya: hahahha they're at your home. Jk don’t kill me.

Charlie: Nah, dude... ahh well kinda true. Was tryna practice this lay-up trick I saw on TV, but I'm failing horribly.

Raya: Or are you failing horribly, because you see them?

Charlie: ...maybe.

Charlie: Aghh, I'm still at the court. They're still here.

Charlie: I mean there are a ton of people here right now, so I don't think they noticed me.

Charlie: Never mind, James just waved at me.

Charlie: Rae waved at me too.

Charlie: RAYAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Raya: What?? Hey, that means they're nice!

Charlie: Do you think they’re together again?

Raya: Well, in my opinion, I highly doubt it. They could just be casually hanging out.

Raya: I mean, you just randomly hang out with guys too, you know.

Charlie: But... 

Charlie: I'm just really sad right now. I feel like my heart is at the bottom of my stomach right now.

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Raya: Look, Charlie. I know you've been crushing on this guy for ages. I know it's difficult to not like him. Your heart doesn't choose who to like, or who to love. You just do. It's difficult, but you have to move on from him. But just because you've moved on doesn't mean you love him any less. You moving on will mean that he won't distract you and hopefully, it will make you love yourself more. Charlie, what's not to love about you? You're beautiful and amazing. The heart wants what it wants sometimes, but sometimes, you can’t always get what you want.

Charlie: I love you, Raya. I think I'll change first. I need a long nap. Bye, see you soon, please.

Raya: See you soon too, best.

LISSA

12:14 AM. I'm done feeling like I'm living half a life.

5:30 AM. Bus left on time. Thank God. Where am I going? I don't know. When am I coming back? I don't know. All I know is I need to do this. I want to do this.

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Seb: Hey  Seb: Where are you? It's sushi day with your brothers.  Seb: Picking you up around four. :)  Seb: Lissa?  Seb: Getting worried over here Seb: Please answer my calls  Seb: Lissa don't do this to me.

Kuya Darren: Came over and nobody answered. What's the deal?  Kuya Darren: Liss, it's been three hours. This isn't funny.You always reply within five minutes...   Kuya Darren: Where are you?!

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 Sam: I HAVE A THOUSAND MISSED CALLS FROM YOUR BROTHERS. WHERE DID YOU GO???  Sam: I love you but this disappearing act isn't cute.  Sam: We have to go to the police in 48 hours if you don't show up soon. Please pick up. I'm worried sick.  Sam: DAMMIT, LISSA, THIS IS NOT NORMAL. You never do this.  Sam: Call me when you're done being crazy.

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About the author
Gaby Flores
Girl Code author
When she's not taking three-hour naps, watching makeup vlogs, or drowning in microscope slides of 48-hour chick embryos, Gaby spends her downtime with her jammies on and her nose in a book. As a self-confessed bibliophile, reading has always been her first love, and it's been that way for as long as she can remember. It started as an addiction to Dr. Seuss' Bartholomew and the Oobleck when she was barely three years old, and it has grown into a fervent love for the written word. In fact, it's from her favorite book, The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro, that she gets the inspiration to write about someone so radically different from her: Rae. Writing each chapter as the soft-spoken, sensitive Rae is a challenge for someone as effervescent as Gaby, but she takes it the way she does an impossible Embryology exam: with a prayer, a lot of verve, and the excitement of venturing into the unknown.
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About the author
Chandra Pepino
Girl Code author
Chandra is 20 years old, a graduate of Ateneo de Manila University, and a writer for Candy Magazine and Real Living online. She writes to heal herself, not from pain, but from curiosity—the world is mad and cold, but writing warms her soul. You will find her nose buried in the works of Chuck Palahniuk and Haruki Murakami, but in real life, her loved ones are her muses. Lissa is, in a lot of ways, Chandra’s twin, and yet her polar opposite: she is impulsive, introverted, and very, very hard on herself. But Lissa is also loyal to her friends, and when she finally falls in love, you’ll find that she falls hard and fast. If you ever see Chandra in person, say hello. She'd love to have coffee with you. Conversations are her favorite.
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About the author
Joanna Kennedy
Girl Code author
As a former member of the Candy Council of Cool, Joanna is no stranger to writing for Candy Magazine. Inspired by fleeting expressions, old photographs, song lyrics, and illustrations, she started writing on a private blog at the age of 14. While it started off as a hobby, the daily practice of writing short fiction turned into a full-blown passion. Aside from writing, she owns a bar named Walrus, works in events, and is a travel junkie! Frequently found soaking up the Philippines' beaches, her next travel dream is to hike in the Himalayas and backpack across Mongolia on horseback.
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About the author
Niña Alvia
Girl Code author
Eighteen-year-old Niña was never a Team Captain, nor was she a part of any National Team (spoiler alert!), but her world revolves around sports. Now she lives vicariously through the character of Charlie, tackling issues such as teenage angst and struggling with change. Niña is a Sport Studies major in UP Diliman, and may look familiar to UAAP fans as this season's Courtside Reporter for UP. Aside from writing quick reports about the UAAP games, she blogs about her personal musings along with her sartorial attempts on ninaalvia.blogspot.com. Her favorite writers are Margaret Zhang, a blogger, and J.K. Rowling.
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If you know me, and know me well, I am not the biggest fan of idyllic lifestyles. With a Type A personality, I act immediately upon whatever challenge that needs to be addressed. I actually enjoy keeping my mind preoccupied: doing university work in my favourite cafe then running errands around town, grocery shopping here, updating my accounts there, photocopying documents on the way down the street - all just in time before having a glass of champagne at the bar with my friends come evening.

And so, you could imagine my bewilderment when the next challenge to be faced was an extensive self-quarantine protocol. I didn’t know what to do when my greatest responsibility in this situation was to do nothing at all. My first few attempts to combat my consternation were very much rooted in distraction and imagination. My distractions involved conducting research, writing songs, calling family and friends, filming videos, and eating chocolate! My imaginations and fantasies were centred on travelling, shopping, even clubbing (which I rarely do) for when they find a cure to COVID-19. I did anything and everything that could be considered constructive in order to pass the time, mainly hoping I could just undertake the basic human necessities to survive - that is, eat and sleep the day through - until the next day comes, until the world is closer to becoming a better place, until quarantine ends, until my flight follows through, until I see my family and friends again.

Days in self-isolation and suspended flights turned to weeks and turned to months. By the third extension here in Spain where I study Fashion Business, I had to tell myself this shall be my new normal now, that I was blessed to be healthy, that I was tired of merely existing and missed what it was like to actually live - even if just within four walls. Little by little, I began to find significance in the simple occurrences of the day: the soft glare of the rising sun beaming golden streaks through my bedroom window upon waking up, the fragrance of freshly washed bed sheets that I had painstakingly hung to fit a relatively small clothes rack without crumpling them, the crunch and tanginess of warm toasted bread topped with raspberry marmalade, the buzzing sound of a phone call from home just waiting to be answered, to the caress of a fuzzy sweater to keep warm at night. I realised, “What pleasures to be enjoyed in the pause of slow living!” Through this continued pause, which I loathed at first, I began to appreciate each moment of the day rather than wish it would pass more swiftly, moments I had overlooked so often before the lockdown. I started to find that the challenge of self-isolation was never to pause both the regular routines of life as well as the positive emotions that came with these - as initially, I thought it meant to pause all happiness, so as to withstand a time of endurance in hopes for a better tomorrow, much like a form of delaying gratification. Life is just too fragile these days to delay gratification any further.

Life has paused, but it has not stopped. Believe that like any punctuation mark in a sentence, the pause will provide the right timing of things to take place. Till then, let us not waste our time waiting. Instead, we could be in the moment, seek substance in simplicity (that is, in what we already have), And enjoy the pleasure in pause. “Practice the Pause. When in doubt, pause. When angry, pause. When tired, pause. When stressed, pause. And when you pause, pray.”

They say time heals all wounds, but it has been ages - is heartbreak exempted?

I have forgotten when was the last time we shared a smile - the last time when I saw the glow in your eyes and the last time when you whispered an I love you to me. I have forgotten when, but here I am - writing to you again.

I do not know if you will read this or you will just add this one to my proses and poems that you left unread, but you see, I am still hoping. I am mailing the pain of us to the gods out there - hoping they can take the pain away. I should have gotten over you, but instead of forgetting and accepting our ending, I am writing about us in tissue sheets, carving about us on trees, telling about us on the back of my journals, hoping that a thousand or a million write ups about us, can make me forget about what happened.

I am writing, waiting for the point where I can no longer write anymore, for I have none to tell - but when? I have nothing in me anymore, but the memories of us - and no matter how hard I try put those to its own grave, the memories grow back like lilies in the swamp - painful and beautiful at the same time.

No matter how hard I try to silence those and put it at the back of my mind, those ring back, playing like the favorite song we used to listen. They say heartbreaks turn into poetry and that is what happening to us - but poetry should be dulcet and dreamy, why does ours sound like pain and agony? They say time heals all wounds, but it has been ages - is heartbreak exempted? Darling, I guess not.

Anne Luna A day ago
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