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From Our Readers: You Will Break My Heart

And I'll be fine with that.

One day, probably in the not so distant future, you will break my heart.

I knew from the start what I was getting myself into. You were clear and you were fair, and for that I am grateful. But I couldn't, for the life of me, resist. And so with shoulders squared and expectations managed, I went straight ahead into the vast gray area of you and me. I continued to shower you with affection and make myself vulnerable to you. I gave you hugs and felt my knees go weak every time you squeezed me hard. I basked in your attention and my heart fluttered each time you openly expressed claim over me. I held out my hand for you to hold and smiled when you don't let go. I marveled at how easy the conversation flows when we're together, like how we can go from nonsense banter to serious life plans and personal issues. I like how you spontaneously put your arm around me when I'm close, how it's become a habit, unconscious and understood, never needing permission or explanation.

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One day, in the not so distant future, you will break my heart. We'll probably stop talking and hanging out. There'll be no more banter between us, only distance. Things will be awkward and we'll both avoid places where we might see each other. When invited by a common friend, I'll make a habit of asking first who else is coming before saying yes; and to give me space, you'll make up some excuse not to go when you find out I'm coming.

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 like how you spontaneously put your arm around me when I'm close, how it's become a habit, unconscious and understood, never needing permission or explanation.

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People who know how close we are will notice and ask why. When they do find out, they'll probably think you're a jerk for leading me on and breaking my heart. And they'll feel sorry for me because I should have known better than fall for you. I hope you know I'll never blame you for choosing happiness. Like I said, I knew what I was getting myself into. I wasn't a pawn in the game, I was a player too.

I wanted to write this as a metaphor to fictionalize our ending to save face but I couldn't. There's no hiding the simple truth that in the end, you'll choose someone else over me. I don't know if or how we'll patch things up but I have no regrets and I hope you have none too. It was a great run and I enjoyed every part of it.

So yeah, one day you will break my heart. And I'll be fine with that.

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Sent in by Aya Fernandez. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!

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If you know me, and know me well, I am not the biggest fan of idyllic lifestyles. With a Type A personality, I act immediately upon whatever challenge that needs to be addressed. I actually enjoy keeping my mind preoccupied: doing university work in my favourite cafe then running errands around town, grocery shopping here, updating my accounts there, photocopying documents on the way down the street - all just in time before having a glass of champagne at the bar with my friends come evening.

And so, you could imagine my bewilderment when the next challenge to be faced was an extensive self-quarantine protocol. I didn’t know what to do when my greatest responsibility in this situation was to do nothing at all. My first few attempts to combat my consternation were very much rooted in distraction and imagination. My distractions involved conducting research, writing songs, calling family and friends, filming videos, and eating chocolate! My imaginations and fantasies were centred on travelling, shopping, even clubbing (which I rarely do) for when they find a cure to COVID-19. I did anything and everything that could be considered constructive in order to pass the time, mainly hoping I could just undertake the basic human necessities to survive - that is, eat and sleep the day through - until the next day comes, until the world is closer to becoming a better place, until quarantine ends, until my flight follows through, until I see my family and friends again.

Days in self-isolation and suspended flights turned to weeks and turned to months. By the third extension here in Spain where I study Fashion Business, I had to tell myself this shall be my new normal now, that I was blessed to be healthy, that I was tired of merely existing and missed what it was like to actually live - even if just within four walls. Little by little, I began to find significance in the simple occurrences of the day: the soft glare of the rising sun beaming golden streaks through my bedroom window upon waking up, the fragrance of freshly washed bed sheets that I had painstakingly hung to fit a relatively small clothes rack without crumpling them, the crunch and tanginess of warm toasted bread topped with raspberry marmalade, the buzzing sound of a phone call from home just waiting to be answered, to the caress of a fuzzy sweater to keep warm at night. I realised, “What pleasures to be enjoyed in the pause of slow living!” Through this continued pause, which I loathed at first, I began to appreciate each moment of the day rather than wish it would pass more swiftly, moments I had overlooked so often before the lockdown. I started to find that the challenge of self-isolation was never to pause both the regular routines of life as well as the positive emotions that came with these - as initially, I thought it meant to pause all happiness, so as to withstand a time of endurance in hopes for a better tomorrow, much like a form of delaying gratification. Life is just too fragile these days to delay gratification any further.

Life has paused, but it has not stopped. Believe that like any punctuation mark in a sentence, the pause will provide the right timing of things to take place. Till then, let us not waste our time waiting. Instead, we could be in the moment, seek substance in simplicity (that is, in what we already have), And enjoy the pleasure in pause. “Practice the Pause. When in doubt, pause. When angry, pause. When tired, pause. When stressed, pause. And when you pause, pray.”

They say time heals all wounds, but it has been ages - is heartbreak exempted?

I have forgotten when was the last time we shared a smile - the last time when I saw the glow in your eyes and the last time when you whispered an I love you to me. I have forgotten when, but here I am - writing to you again.

I do not know if you will read this or you will just add this one to my proses and poems that you left unread, but you see, I am still hoping. I am mailing the pain of us to the gods out there - hoping they can take the pain away. I should have gotten over you, but instead of forgetting and accepting our ending, I am writing about us in tissue sheets, carving about us on trees, telling about us on the back of my journals, hoping that a thousand or a million write ups about us, can make me forget about what happened.

I am writing, waiting for the point where I can no longer write anymore, for I have none to tell - but when? I have nothing in me anymore, but the memories of us - and no matter how hard I try put those to its own grave, the memories grow back like lilies in the swamp - painful and beautiful at the same time.

No matter how hard I try to silence those and put it at the back of my mind, those ring back, playing like the favorite song we used to listen. They say heartbreaks turn into poetry and that is what happening to us - but poetry should be dulcet and dreamy, why does ours sound like pain and agony? They say time heals all wounds, but it has been ages - is heartbreak exempted? Darling, I guess not.

Anne Luna A day ago
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