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From Our Readers: You Were Never Really Mine To Begin With

You were a stranger to me once.
PHOTO Patrick Martires

When you simply live your life in a way that makes you happy, it would never really be necessary to actually care about what's going to happen next. This is how I lived my past. I never really cared, because I had a wonderful life full of parties and booze and friends. But I chose to ditch that life so I could pursue writing. It was a tough time for me, and I told myself that I will never care as much as I used to. It worked well for me. And then you came.

You were a stranger to me once. We got to know each other better over time, and we got really close. You were there for me most of the time. I got so used to the idea of always having you around that it was never really fun without you anymore.Come to think of it, I shouldn't feel this way at all. We never really had a label to begin with and you never gave me a hint. I, on the other hand, gave all the hints I could manage. I guess it was just too overwhelming for me to actually like someone again. It was nice, but I knew it would not end right.

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I've only you in pictures, and we all know how crazy it would be if we did have a relationship. I liked you a lot. Maybe it's the idea of you I'm in love with. It always felt like I've known you all my life. It felt like everything I told myself in the past— to guard my heart and to stay away from feelings—just melted away when you came into my life. And it sucks because I'm terrified.

There's just something about you that feels like home to me. Now that you're not around as much, it feels like I’m losing my home piece by piece. All I can do is watch it fall apart and let it go. You will always be important to me, but maybe it's time to open my hands and let go. I guess I always knew this was coming. I just never really said it out loud because I didn’t want to be as scared as I am right now. I knew it was going to change one way or another and there was no turning back. The truth is… I cannot really lose you, because you were never really mine to begin with. You were there, but you were not really there for real. It felt like you were mine for a while, but you were never really mine. Maybe it just felt really good to have someone again, albeit just for a short time. At least, I know that you will never be someone I’m ever going to lose. You were never mine. 

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Mary Elizabeth Francisco blogs at marshmary.com.

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