I have always feared attachments. I have loved and I’ve been broken into so many pieces so many times that I thought I’d never be whole again. I have loved and I’ve given everything I could just to sustain the love I thought was enough to last forever. But it never works that way. The more you give, the more you lose, the more your heart breaks. And when you’ve given everything that was once yours, you’ll be left with nothing more until the love you once thought was perfect would slowly fade away and die. You’ll lay in your bed with nothing but tears until your eyes dry out and you can’t cry anymore.
I’ve always tried not to catch feelings. I thought it was better that way. There will always be this line that nobody could ever cross, because that would mean commitment and heartache. I thought it was better if people could be close, but not too close that you could feel them breathing. Not too close that you could feel their heart beating. Not too close that it’s them you would be thinking about day in and out. Not too close that you’d be smiling when thinking about them or you’d be itching to hear their voice every single day.
I’ve always tried to stay away from people. It felt right. It felt good to be alone in my own universe. It felt grand to wake up not thinking of anyone. It felt wonderful not to worry if they are even thinking about you like you are thinking about them. Lonely nights will never be about them; instead they would be about school work or an upset stomach or something else. It felt great to be alone.
I’ve always tried to run away from love. It never ends well anyway, so why should I stay if it’s always been that crazy?
But you’re different. You make me want to stop trying and just stay where I am. You make me want to sit down and drown myself in the happiness you bring to my life. You make me feel so worthy of love again after all this time.
And I don’t want to try anything else but make you feel loved. It feels right to worry about you. It feels good to smile when you cross my mind. It feels wonderful to know that you’re there. Hearing your voice makes everything okay. Mornings are beautiful knowing that you’re somewhere looking at the same sky I see.
I’ve always tried to take a few back, but you always make me want you. I always keep running back to you. After all these years of trying to stay away, what the heck, I’m taking the risk.
Mary Elizabeth Francisco blogs at marshmary.com.