From Our Readers: Why Everything Is Falling Apart
My phone chimed. My heart flipped with excitement when I saw your name on the screen. As I read your message, I smiled dreamily at the words, "I love you." That moment I knew that I was such a lucky girl to have you as my boyfriend. But when I closed my eyes, I realized one thing. We were fighting. You were mad at me. That's when I knew I was only dreaming.
It wasn't always like this. Everything used to be perfect. We talked on a daily basis, but never got bored of each other. We could talk about anything and everything. I would comfort you whenever you were hurt. I would always be there for you, but it didn't last that long.
I experienced a lot of firsts with you. The first time I held hands with a guy, first date, and first hug. But the most special of them all was my first kiss. In that moment, I knew how the phrase, "butterflies in the stomach" felt like. When I got home, I looked in the mirror, and my reflection was staring back at me. She looked like a normal girl. But when you look closely, you can see that her eyes are hiding a secret. The secret of her very first kiss.
Last summer, we became an item. It's weird to think that all of our firsts happened even before we were official, but that's us. At first, I was so excited. I have a boyfriend who loves me just as much as I love him. We went on dates, hung out at your house, met your cousins, texted constantly, and so much more. That summer was the best one of my life yet.
But then, school started. At first, I thought it would go smoothly. I thought we could still hang out after school, talk in between classes, and do the things we normally do.
But boy, was I wrong. I was so used to having you to myself last summer that it took me so long to realize that it can't always be just us. You have your circle of friends, I have mine. We had separate lives. Although it was hard, I dealt with the pain of not always having you by my side. Besides, there were always messages and phone calls after school.
What I couldn't deal with, though, was the jealousy. It was so painful to see you with your girl classmates. I got so used to the fact that I was your only girl that when I saw you with them, jealousy took over logic. It took over the fact that they were just your friends. I felt so heartbroken and insecure. Call me immature, but that's who I am. I was just so afraid to lose you.
I have no idea how it started. Perhaps it was the fact that I got jealous easily, or maybe it was because we didn't spend enough time with each other, but our relationship started to go cold. Less texts, less phone calls, and not even acknowledging each other's presence at school. What increased though, were fights. It always started with something small, like who's going to pay on our dates and not answering texts. But eventually, it started escalating to me calling you out on talking to other girls and you being mad at me for not appreciating your efforts.
It was so hard, especially because all our arguments happened only over texts, which means it was hard to convey what you really mean.
As I wake up from my dream, I recall the events from yesterday evening. Last night was our biggest fight yet. You're probably expecting me to leave you after that, but I won't. I'm scared to be with you, but I'm even more scared to walk away. I still love you, and I always will. No matter how things turn out, you will always be a part of me. Like the song "Just Give Me A Reason" by P!nk says, "we're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again." We can still fix this. We haven't ended our relationship. It's still you and me against the world, right? But even if everything ends tomorrow, I'll be a better person because of you. Thank you for everything. Because of you, I got to experience what love feels like. I sincerely hope that this will never end, but it's up to God now. Whatever He decides for us will be for the best. But remember: I love you, always.
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