From Our Readers: Was It All Just Pretend?
I never planned to fall in love with him but I did. When I got into college, the only thing that was on my mind was to study and to have fun. Those things don't normally balance but surprisingly, I managed so that's what I did. I studied hard, but partied harder. But boy, never did I think that I was going to break the only promise I made for myself and that was to fall in love.
It was just a silly crush at first. I was eating one afternoon with my friends when I saw him across the street, our eyes met and by then I knew I was a goner. It was unexpected. I never would have thought that this silly crush would turn into something more. We had a mutual friend and that's where it all started. We chatted and you told me about your past relationships and I found out that he was the kind of guy who was genuine and would do everything for the girl he loves. I'd never quite met a guy like that before. Sure, I had my fair share of awful relationships, that's one of the reasons I promised myself I won't love anymore, that's why when I listened to him. I didn't know how to deal with him, because he was new and different to me. I'm not used to a guy like him.
After that, we started texting and up to this day I'm still taken aback by how long your messages to me were. How you compliment me, how you can bravely tell me what your feelings are. You didn't only say it by words but you put it into actions, too.
I was always the girl who exerted effort and was more invested in the relationship. The stupid girl who was willing to lay all her cards out on the table, the girl who always gives but gets nothing in return, the girl who loses everything, even herself just for some guy. That's why I put all my defenses up and started to build walls and towers, chose to stay cold and numb but then you came along, and all those defenses? Those walls? They were all destroyed. The things you did, the things you said, how I warned you about my fear of falling in again, and how you told me you felt the same way but you were willing to try.
How you said the feelings were mutual but we shouldn't rush into things and just take it easy. You took my vulnerable heart by your sweet actions, how you held my hand so tightly, how you put God first, how you sang to me, and how you never failed to surprise me and make me happy. Those were the things that made me fall for you, made me vulnerable, made me trust you, and opened my mind and heart to the idea of love again.
I don't know what went wrong. If it was something I did or something I said, I don't know why it just suddenly stopped. You called me that Thursday night, and I was assured that even if we had to spend some time apart, we would stay strong. You even told me you'll never get tired of me and I was the only one in your heart. The problem is, I believed you.
You didn't talk to me after that. No texts, not a single phone call, nothing. And even though I had my doubts, that I was beginning to go crazy from all my late night thoughts, I chose to believe the promise you left me. There are so many questions inside my head, questions I don't have the answers to. I wanted to ask you if it was all pretend or if it was just fun and games? Why did you leave me hanging? Why didn't you have the guts to end it before you went after another girl? Where did it all go wrong because the last time I checked we were good, we were fine. I was yours and you were mine but it was all a lie.
Guys like you are what makes us girls scared of loving again, of trying again. I don't know what guys get from playing with us. Ego boost, maybe? Whatever but I hope before you do it, you realize how much it will break us, damage us. After you leave us, we'll be a wreck. Our insecurities will show even more and the scars that you left? They're with us forever. The pain you caused won't heal overnight, it might take months or even years for us. Have you ever thought of that before being selfish?
I'll just have you know that those weeks meant the whole world to me, you will continue to haunt me even in my dreams and everywhere I go. I might mean nothing to you but it was a hundred percent real for me.
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