I can't feel anything. Or maybe I don't want to feel something. I don't want to feel the hurt. I don't want to feel the impact that would hit me because my heart got broken. It got broken so many times that I became immune to it. "I'm used to this," I would always say. I'm putting on a brave face for everyone to see because I don't want them to think that I'm weak and fragile. I don't want them to think how badly he broke my heart into so many pieces. I fell for his charms, his looks, his everything. He was everything I wanted and I thought that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way, too. I don't want to think about it too much because I might get hurt and I'll remember everything. I'll remember every little thing he said and all the times we spent together. We were so close, or at least I thought we were. How could a guy break your heart just like that? How could he do all those things and not expect the girl to fall for him? I actually don't know because I never asked. I never asked because I don't want him to think how badly I fell for him. I constantly make myself busy by hanging out with my friends more often and getting home late just to avoid thinking about him. It works though.
"He isn't worth it," all my friends told me to make me feel better. Maybe I wasn't worth his time? I get so insecure about these things. Why? Because nobody wants to be with me. I would always wonder what's wrong with me. Am I not worth it? I don't know what to feel anymore. I think I shut myself out because I was hurting way too much. I knew this would happen somehow. I just needed someone to tell me and let me know that my fairy tale would not happen. Not with him. Not this time. I can't stop holding on even after everything. I can't stop imagining what we could be. I don't know what to do and I'm so confused. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of falling for the wrong guy. I'm tired of sacrificing my time with the wrong guy and ending up with the same outcome. I can't follow my heart. Mind over heart. The advice my friends would tell me were not really what I wanted to hear. I remind myself to stop, but I can't. Maybe that's love. Maybe I just wanted it to be. All I know is that you would do all the crazy and insane things for love even if it would hurt you. One becomes fragile for love and an idiot. You wouldn't be able to think straight. You get so caught up in this happily ever after, thinking that nothing could ruin you when it was love that really did break you.
I can't stop having feelings for him. I know eventually I'll stop feeling anything. Maybe there's hope, but I have to change what I think about myself. How can someone love you when you don't even love yourself? To everyone who feels the same way as me, you're beautiful. No matter how messed up you think you are. You are worth everything. You are unique and special. If the guy doesn't see that, well forget him. He isn't worth thinking about. All the efforts you do will mean nothing if he can't accept you the way you are. He's not the one. We all have to get hurt in order to appreciate the guy who's meant for us. I promise you that there will come a day someone will walk in your life and appreciate you. He will love all your flaws for you can never be you without it. That's what makes you special. It's what makes us who we are. We all just have to wait for him. He's on his way.
Written by Chesca Oblepias. Want your work to appear on this space, too? Shoot us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com and you just might get published!