From Our Readers: To the Sweetest and Most Wonderful Mistake I've Ever Made
Hey, it's been almost a year since we started chatting all night and day. Those sweet text messages you would send that could melt my heart. Those words I didn't expect coming from a guy like you. Those countless phone and video calls we had that we wished would not end.
It's been a year since those simple gestures of yours would totally complete my day. I remember the tricks you'd do just for you to be able to touch my hand. The way you intertwined your fingers in mine, secretly under our table. The way our eyes meet whenever I caught you staring at me. The way I knocked down your finger knuckles, and you couldn't stop laughing and complaining because you kept on telling me that it was so painful. But I won't stop, because I love watching you laughing while being in pain. Those times when we walked together around the corridors of our school, and I felt protected because you were like my bodyguard.
Months passed, we accidentally had our first kiss on your birthday. It was just a smack but I bet that, for you it was the best gift ever on your day. I felt a bit awkward with you that's why I asked for a space. But that time, you were the type of guy who didn't have the word "give up" in your vocabulary. Each day, whenever I opened my Math notebook, there was always a letter slipped within the pages coming from you. It's funny to think that those love letters could still exist in a world where Viber, Whatsapp, Messenger, and iMessage are used. I always thought that letters were just for throwback's sake, but you proved me wrong. It felt so wonderful that a girl like me would still be able to experience such things, and maybe that's the reason why I finally decided to remove that awkward space between us.
Graduation hits, and this marked a new chapter of our story. Suddenly, we need to be "just friends." But I guess our love was too strong that time, making us keep our relationship a secret. Luckily, we survived for almost 3 months in that kind of situation.
But I guess it's true that things can change. From the oh-so sweet and understanding guy, you suddenly changed into something I can't even begin to explain. I can't understand you now. You're unpredictable, you're cold, you've turned into something I didn't expect you would. You're different now.
You seldom start a conversation with me online, you even hate it when I call you on the phone and I really wonder why. Those sweet messages of yours that used to melt my heart into happiness, they now turned into cold, dry statements that can literally break my heart into pieces. Whenever I had problems, I really wanted them to share with you. But I just can't because I know you'll only get irritated with me. You're going to tell me I'm just being childish and over-thinking such things. That I'm the only one who's making problems that don't even exist on the first place. You know what, it kills me, but my stupid heart is too strong to ease that pain you're causing me.
Sounds like a martyr right? Well, because I'm madly in love with you. But now I realize I should love myself before anything else—even you. I should have cared for myself too because my world doesn't only revolve around you. I existed even before I met you. I lived without you in my life. I survived having no one to care for me at all. I lived by just simply daydreaming of my Prince Charming and I survived being unloved by the person I wanted the most.
Maybe it's time to let go, because sometimes it's much easier than holding on the ropes that can only hurt us more.
I love you, I know you know that. I don't regret loving you or being loved by you. It was wonderful. You taught me a lot. Because of you, I've turned into something I never expected I could be. You changed me into a better person. You're a blessing in my life, a blessing in disguise.
I really don't want to let you go, but the holes are so deep already. I need to heal them and fix myself first. You also need to fix and find yourself. I don't know if our paths will cross again, but I'm hoping it will happen when we're better, when things are all in place. But if you find a girl that could make you happier than I did, don't be afraid to love again. Don't worry about me, because it's my decision to let you go. Love her more than you loved me. Treat her better, or should I say the best, so she won't give up on you the way I did.
I'm waving good bye to "us." We both need to breathe. Remember that no one can replace you in my heart. I do love you, and I know you love me, too. But I guess in place of our love, pain and hatred have filled the spaces instead.
You will always be the sweetest and most wonderful mistake I've ever made, and the most beautiful disaster that ever came into my life. Again, thank you for everything. I love you but I need to let "us" go.
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