From Our Readers: To the One Who Made Me Feel the Love I Was Longing For
When we were in 10th Grade I fell for you, my MU's friend. I'm not writing this in order for you to see me the way I saw—see—you before. I just want you to know how grateful I am because somehow, you filled the void in my heart that your friend couldn't.
Remember when you let me have a glimpse of your affectionate and soft side? That was when I knew I liked you. But do you know where it all started? It was when Tin, my bestfriend, told me that we looked good together. At first I thought the idea of us was absurd. But when you started looking at me from afar and showing me that smile, that I knew for a fact you only let me see? I started to feel butterflies (the good kind) in my stomach whenever you come near me or sit beside me in class. A part of me knew that you could take care of me better than your friend, my MU. I knew that you would love, respect, care and make me happy more than your friend and so I distanced myself from you.
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After some time, I realized that I should be contented and put all of my focus on my MU. I willed myself to think that whatever attraction I'm feeling for you was wrong. Very wrong. It worked, me distancing myself from you. Slowly my feelings for you died, or at least I thought they did.
It was the second night of our sembreak when you messaged me on Twitter. I don't know why I stopped doing whatever I was doing that time in order for me to reply to you, but I did. We talked almost every night since then. You made my feelings for you re-emerge again. I realized that my feelings for you didn't die, I just pushed them to the back of my heart. You told me things that made me fall for you even more. You're romantic, caring, passionate and most of all, a gentleman. I started to see you differently by then. So different.
I started to fall for you even more when we you came back for me on our field trip. We were trekking and I was behind my MU. You were first in line that time. My MU couldn't even look behind to check if I was okay. He moved forward without waiting for me. My mind was clouded with pure hatred and hurt so I lost focus. I came back to reality when I felt water on my right foot. I was so surprised and scared so I screamed. Your friend, my MU, was already ahead of me so he couldn't reach me. I stood frozen when I heard your voice. You were standing in front of me with worry evident in your eyes. One thing stood out in my mind that time. It was my mind saying "He came back for you." I willed myself to move without asking for your help because he was watching me—or us, rather. When my feet stepped on land again, I looked at you. Your face was passive. It almost fooled me to think that you were never worried but then I looked into your eyes and saw relief in them.
I don't know how to deal with the fact that I like you and my feelings for my MU was being replaced by my feelings for you. But then you mentioned this girl, this girl you found gorgeous. She was smart, kind, and beautiful. That night I cried myself to sleep. I was stupid enough to think that maybe, you like me, too. I kept chanting to myself that night "Stupid girl, he doesn't see you the way you see him." Although it wasn't official that time that you like the girl, I couldn't help but to feel hopeless. Tin told me that maybe you told me about her because you don't want me to be suspicious. You know what Tin told me? "Meron ng something, girl. I can feel and see it. He feels the same way about you."
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Up to this day, I still think about you and that maybe I still like you. But that won't change the fact that I'm thankful for you because you showed me love and care indirectly.
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these sheets that exactly remind me of how I gushed in between my pillow and space you filled in the longing of my burned sorrow put smile to my sober face just like how a three year old receive her lollipop
i searched you everywhere and here you are laying down beside me in my imagination the walls that our screens built a boundary and an obvious message that says i can never have you because you wear clerical shirt and obviously you loved someone else before me
oh god, do I really want this forbidden love? that only exist in my imagination? that only exist through my words? would you, meine liebling, notice me and my art one second? because I am dying to say I love you.
A Simple Learner Who's a Great Pretender
Maybe I'm just a learner, not a weirdo. A learner that knows how to listen and pretend. A simple learner who's a great pretender. Pretending to be slightly dumb enough not to be judged and criticized by those who do not appreciate my existence. We surround ourselves with people who's levels are either beyond or below our intellectual behavior, because as for reality, people may use you either for their success or your downfall. Since then, people tend to judge someone who has an intellect with things they shouldn't be. Making them a criticizer, and most of all, calling them weird.
Honestly, I'm one of this "weirdo" who actually loves to learn things, and for the record, I'm bullied and stressed out for making myself not to learn more and go with the flow to dumbness I had. Have you ever feel being assigned to some task where you know every process to make it easier and faster to finish but turns out to hesitate to voice out because some of your mates put themselves in charge. There are times where I know what to do, what to say, or how to react, but kept myself silent and pretend not to know anything that may help us. Maybe it's a good thing to just go with their ideas and learn from their perspectives, but sometimes you can't control it and says something, and once again called to be a weirdo and let you finish the work by yourself.
It's annoying that you only know one process yet they gave you the whole work and let you finish it by yourself because they insist that "MAGALING KA DIBA?". It's not your fault being an intellectual person, knowing such things that may help you to pursue your dreams, and have the basic knowledge about something. You don't need to know everything, just the basics. And as for those people who do not appreciate your existence, let them be and continue what's the best for you. In some cases, you'll be annoyed by this but most of the time you'll be thankful for it. Not for now but maybe later. Just be yourself either a weirdo, a great pretender, or a simple learner, and always remember to lower your voice and behavior because no one loves that.
Just be a great pretender not to hear any runts and be a good learner that appreciates everything. It's out of nowhere thoughts of mine, but simply I leave you this my favorite life quotation; "Don't introduce yourself, Let your success introduce you"
Dear me in six years, I wonder how life will treat you when you’re already 26 years old. Will you be financially stable? Will you be working in an advertising agency while pursuing everything about the arts? Will you be doing freelancing and living in a condo by then? I don’t know since things are very uncertain. I hope by the time you graduate from college and face the real meaning of the world, you’ll know what the real purpose of doing and living in the art will be.
I know it’s been so tough ever since you turned 20 but that’s how life works, I guess. There will be a lot of hopes and trials, breakdowns, and breakthroughs but I have high hopes of you becoming the better version of yourself. You always do, though. You were never a quitter. Making decisions is getting harder and harder as you grow but I hope it doesn’t make you stop doing what you really love to do. You will face different people with different perspectives. You will feel like a stranger once again, it’s like you were back in your freshmen year. It’s going to be tougher than you’ve expected but you can do it. I believe you can.
Most of the time, people's perception of us as a strong person makes us feel that we are not entitled to be vulnerable because they might be disappointed for seeing our weak spots. And so when we are hurting, we are often scared of extreme emotions and so bury our feelings. We deny them, trying to avoid the pain we feel.
But by doing that, we are just allowing it to come back to us and haunt us. And when it comes back, it might be stronger and it will be harder for us to get over it than when we faced them first. I realized it just now that facing those emotions will scare them until they're gone. The saying 'Let it hurt until it hurts no more' goes true. Admitting your pain to yourself doesn't make you weak. It only proves that you are strong enough to acknowledge such extreme emotions without avoiding them. We are humans and it's okay if we hurt sometimes.
Before, sliding over the rainbows
Now, our hearts are bruised
Days once full of love and laughter
Became dawns of forfeited ever after
Smiles that bring ticklish sensations
Turned to cold question and answer
Figuring who would be the next instructor
The queen’s awake
Grappling to the happiness that the sorrow and sadness take
Going back to all the promises he couldn’t make
Poetry #2: YOUR VOICE
When you talk, your voice brightens my days. You provide me comfort in all the little things that you do. Your deep and mellow voice sends a tingling feeling inside me that makes me want to keep you in my life. I love talking to you every time, every day, every night and every minute if I could. You're someone just simply amazing.