From Our Readers: To the One Who'll Always Keep Me Wondering
I stay up late at night, hoping I could get another phone call from you. You haven't shown yourself since the last time I saw you. That was the time you had to take the long path just to avoid me. I kept asking myself about why you had to do that but I lied to myself and thought maybe you're too embarrassed to show yourself to me.
I never really understood you until we developed something I can't even give a label because I don't know what it was. I know we had something special going on, but I never wanted to keep my hopes high. You leisurely opened the door that lead to your life for me. From the fact that you like a bunch of ladies but you're just not ready for any commitment because you're way too torpe to the most sensitive problem you had and I think you still have—your family.
Slowly, I began to see clearly and understand you as a person. Not only that, I fell for you. I fell for you because you made me feel special. You made me happy. You made me smile. You kept me up late at night, waiting for your fast replies to my texts as we talked about "maybe sweet nothings." You called me "S" as I called you funny names you wouldn't accept. You stuck around and helped me carry heavy things. Now that my feelings for you are becoming deeper and deeper, you suddenly closed the door on me, leaving me outside still wondering if I should wait or if I should just walk away and pretend nothing happened.
People had always discouraged me indirectly. They always talked about how an indecent guy you are, and why you're so inappropriate for me, but I let it slip. I chose not to listen to them. I chose to be blind and I kept on believing that you are an extraordinary guy, and that you will change for the better. I was always worried about you and I still am.
I wonder if you ever think of me. Do I ever cross your mind? Do you even read the messages I send you? You kept telling me I confuse you all the time, and I've given you my answer. I cleared your confusion. I still wonder what "S" means and if it still means anything. Did I mean anything to you at all?
I'm just so naïve. That's a fact. I have so many questions but I'm not hoping for any answers. I have to remind myself to never wait. Waiting is hard. Hoping is harder. But whatever happens, even as I still wonder where you are now and how you're doing, know that I'm still thankful I met you. And that somehow, even for just a moment, I became part of your life. Always. For always.
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Dear me in six years, I wonder how life will treat you when you’re already 26 years old. Will you be financially stable? Will you be working in an advertising agency while pursuing everything about the arts? Will you be doing freelancing and living in a condo by then? I don’t know since things are very uncertain. I hope by the time you graduate from college and face the real meaning of the world, you’ll know what the real purpose of doing and living in the art will be.
I know it’s been so tough ever since you turned 20 but that’s how life works, I guess. There will be a lot of hopes and trials, breakdowns, and breakthroughs but I have high hopes of you becoming the better version of yourself. You always do, though. You were never a quitter. Making decisions is getting harder and harder as you grow but I hope it doesn’t make you stop doing what you really love to do. You will face different people with different perspectives. You will feel like a stranger once again, it’s like you were back in your freshmen year. It’s going to be tougher than you’ve expected but you can do it. I believe you can.
Most of the time, people's perception of us as a strong person makes us feel that we are not entitled to be vulnerable because they might be disappointed for seeing our weak spots. And so when we are hurting, we are often scared of extreme emotions and so bury our feelings. We deny them, trying to avoid the pain we feel.
But by doing that, we are just allowing it to come back to us and haunt us. And when it comes back, it might be stronger and it will be harder for us to get over it than when we faced them first. I realized it just now that facing those emotions will scare them until they're gone. The saying 'Let it hurt until it hurts no more' goes true. Admitting your pain to yourself doesn't make you weak. It only proves that you are strong enough to acknowledge such extreme emotions without avoiding them. We are humans and it's okay if we hurt sometimes.
Before, sliding over the rainbows
Now, our hearts are bruised
Days once full of love and laughter
Became dawns of forfeited ever after
Smiles that bring ticklish sensations
Turned to cold question and answer
Figuring who would be the next instructor
The queen’s awake
Grappling to the happiness that the sorrow and sadness take
Going back to all the promises he couldn’t make
Poetry #2: YOUR VOICE
When you talk, your voice brightens my days. You provide me comfort in all the little things that you do. Your deep and mellow voice sends a tingling feeling inside me that makes me want to keep you in my life. I love talking to you every time, every day, every night and every minute if I could. You're someone just simply amazing.
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