Its been over a year since I last heard your voice. More than a year since I saw you smile that smile for me. More than a year since the last time I heard you say my name in that voice that made me sigh blissfully.
I wouldn't remember you the way I used to do. I can say that after more than a year and a half, I can finally close my eyes without your ghost smiling at me in my mind. I can smile without it faltering just because I remember you saying how much you enjoy seeing me wearing my cheeky grin. And I can finally pull my hair up in a ponytail without remembering how you said I look better with my hair pulled up.
I still miss you though, sometimes. Maybe once a week, twice a month, a second a day? But that was just a moment down memory lane. How do I forget you when you gave me so much to remember? How can I let someone go when they were never mine to begin with?
I wasn't yours and you were never mine, but we were each other's almost. So close that I almost thought it was actually going to happen. But we never happened because you left. You told me you loved me but you left before I could even say it back.
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For months, I was mad at you. I was so mad that I couldn't even see a picture of you without gripping my sheets while the tears roll down my cheeks along with the memories we made together. But I got tired of being so angry with you that I aimed that anger towards myself.
I was mad at myself because I let my guard down. I should have built another layer of wall but instead I demolished it just for you. I should have known better that you're just another guy that has all the power to break me. I should have listened to my instinct that you're going to leave just like the rest. But I didn't because I believed in you and your words. I should have left before you because that's what I used to do with everyone. But instead I stayed in hopes that you would too, because you told me.
So why did you leave without letting me leave you first?
READ: To the One Who Left Me
You were always the first one to do something ever since we got close. The first one who said hello the day we met;, the first one who smiled the time we were close to each other; the first one who showed some sign of interest towards me that I eventually fell too; the first one to say that three letter words while we both stare at each other's eyes; and the first one to leave without giving me a heads up.
This time, I want to be the first one to say goodbye. Thank you for the memories.
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