"If ever you're in my arms again this time I'll love you much better. If ever you're in my arms again this time I'll hold you forever. This time we'll never end..."
I still remember the first time I met you in the middle of summer. How you held my hand for a brief moment; how I asked to you repeat you name because I didn't hear you; how that little coincidence drew me to you. That little exchange was something I didn't know that would affect me till now.
You came into my life at the wrong time. You had all the good intentions, but I didn't seem to notice. I was a mess before. I was insecure and doubtful. I was hurt and broken back then and I wasn't ready for anything serious. I have a habit of pushing people away especially once I become attached. I felt controlled and choked by you because I never had someone who cared for me that way. You were the only one who put so much effort on me. You left me notes, you made time for me, spent time with me and my friend even though you barely knew them, and you even went in our building—no one ever did that for me. Yet I still rejected you because I still had my doubts about you, that you might just play with my feelings. When you told me that your world will revolve around me, it freaked me out. I've been broken so many times before that I didn't see how sincere you were. I was so caught up with my fantasy of perfection that it took me months to realize that you were The One That Got Away.
I gave you a chance to prove yourself to me, I swear. But I guess the fire that we had slowly died. It wasn't because of you. You never did anything wrong and I was really stupid not to see all you efforts. I was always asking for more that I didn't realize that I already had you, that you were more than enough.
I didn't realize that meeting you was destiny. It's not every day I'll meet someone who will like me for me despite of all my flaws and imperfections. Yet I let my insecurities overcome me and made me think that I wasn't enough for you. So I pushed you away thinking you deserve someone better. I should've made you stay if only I knew that you were serious about me.
I've been thinking about you for months now and how happy you must be and when I saw you that day it all came back in flashes. I was dumbfounded when I saw you. You made a small talk and you seemed guarded. Destiny and karma must have been making fun of me because there was only a small chance for us to see each other again but they used that little chance and made it happen.
Yes, I regret letting you go and I regret how I didn't let you in, but it's in the past now and you're with someone you deserve. Someone who would love you the way you wanted to be loved. I just want to say how deeply sorry I am. I'm sorry for being numb. I'm sorry for leaving you in the dark. I'm sorry for being a coward. And I'm really sorry for all the pain I caused you. It might betoo late to say I'm sorry, but I still want you to know. Sorry.
Maybe someday we'll meet again. Maybe we weren't quite ready the first time. There's a very small chance, but if it ever happens, I want us to start over again. No past, just new beginnings.
Written by Ina Joy Marasigan. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too!
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