Let it be known here and now that I tried. That for once, I took a shot at something. That I took a risk, that I didn't mind what other people might say and took a chance. That even for a moment, I let my heart skip a beat for you.
Right now I can't find the right words to say. I can't find a reason for writing this. Maybe my guilt is eating me up. How could someone turned down a guy who would do anything for a girl? How could someone be so foolish not to see the simple things, the simple acts of love? Right now, any girl would probably want to be in my place. To be loved and cared for by a guy who has seen your flaws, but adores you, anyway. Someone who would defy what other people's opinions just to follow his heart, who can see and appreciate who you are, who would do anything to please you, who would still come back for you, and love you no matter how hard you push him away.
I did picture us together or at least what it would be like to be with you. We would probably have done that early morning jog we had planned because you're just so supportive of my fitness goals. You would have probably danced and played with me in the rain because you know I love to. We would have watched all our favorite movies, debated on how the book I'm reading is far more awesome than the movie that you're watching, and a lot more if only I tried harder. I could have taken it to another level, but I chose not to.
Why? It's not just because of that first love that I couldn't get over. It's probably because I'm afraid. I'm frightened that I couldn't love you the way you love me. I'm afraid that all of my bitterness towards my past relationships would be poured onto you and you'll drown—not by my love but by hatred and resentment. How can a girl so wounded and lost be able to learn to love again? How will she be able to trust again when she's been betrayed and cheated on enough already? I couldn't afford to be vulnerable after everything. You told me once that my harsh and cruel personality is just a front, a defense mechanism so I won't get hurt. "If I won't be strong then who would protect me?" You told me you would. I know you will even if I won't tell you, but I don't want you to.
I don't want you to go around fixing the mess that I did to myself, to put a Band-Aid on my wound and stitch the scars. I don't want to burden you because I think I'm not worthy of you. You don't know how much I feel loved by you and it kills me that all I did was hurt you. I want you to know that you put a smile on my face on those nights when you would sing me to sleep. That I loved the flowers even if I knew they'd just wither and die. That you let me believe I'm worthy to be loved. It would be so selfish of me to tell you to wait until I get better, until I finally find myself. I have hurt you enough, I know that.
I know that it's not enough but I'm going to tell you anyway: I'M SORRY. I'm sorry I took your feelings for granted. I'm sorry for giving you false hope, for letting you be stuck in the friend zone, for not trying hard enough, for being a coward. My only wish is that you find that person who will love you more than you love her, someone who'll say "I love you" back to you. I hope you get the happiness that you deserve.
Don't you worry about me. Only time will tell (with all of my efforts to push myself to move forward) when I'll be able to open my heart again. I want you to know that you have been a part of that journey and you made me see the brighter side of things. Thank you for those little moments that we've shared.
Written by Janine Angeli Sinilong.