I knew she had always been special to him. I knew that whatever she did to push him away, his feelings for her never changed. He'd always look at her the same way. Lucky her. But she didn't know how lucky she was. How little did she know that I would willingly trade places with her.
Though he liked her, we had a bond, a special bond. We would talk about anything under the sun. We were comfortable around each other. We even talked about the most sensitive stuff. It was a special bond. But I knew it was nothing compared to his feelings for her. I knew he would willingly throw everything away, even our bond, just to be with her. I knew he could and I know he would.
I thought I would be okay. I thought everything was going to be fine. Me and him being friends. Me liking him. Him liking her. I thought it was all fine... but it wasn't. All I feel right now is pain and that's all I can feel. I try to distract myself but I can't. The stabbing in my chest just would not go away. It can't be ignored. It didn't want to be ignored. It's so strong that I just want to rip it out of my chest.
I don't have anyone I can hold on to. I'm afraid that they would judge me and think that I'm so desperate. I don't know. Maybe another one of my overthinking sessions. Well. I know I am overthinking but I just let it be. A little overthinking would not hurt at times. At least I could be extra careful. At least I would not allow myself to be hurt even further.
I need to set my feelings for him free so I can be free. My feelings for him is like a jail imprisoning me and choking and it's not healthy anymore. I don't know how or when and I don't think I can do it right now. My heart's not ready just yet. I know I can put my mind to it but I don't want to. I can't. I won't. Maybe this still needs a little more time. A little more thinking. A little more understanding. A little more maturity. For now, I should just do what I need to do: finish school, get a degree, and get a job you really want. I should just continue to be myself. And just accept things as they are. As they all say, everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be, it will be. But whatever happens, he will always have a special place in my heart.
I need to set my feelings for him free so I can be free.
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