It all started out as a joke. You were new in our class, coming from a different section in our sophomore year. I didn't know much about you except that you were one of those class clowns. You were friendly and easily got along with most of my classmates. Months into the school year, you took interest in me being one of the most quiet girls. Day by day you pestered me with your corny jokes. I didn't mind any of it. After all, I was used to people being curious about me at first but slowly losing interest as I unfold my personality. But you were different. You stayed.
As I started to put my trust in you, you started treating me differently. You called me your "love" and kept telling me,reminding me how beautiful I am even if you knew I wouldn't believe you. And then when I was absent for a few days and our class shuffled seats, you saved me the one beside yours and had our class adviser agree that it be my permanent seat. I didn't know then that that would result to something I would regret later on.
We got closer—closer than I ever thought we could be. We were constant group mates, partners in school works and all that. You even had the audacity to have lunch with me and my barkada on a few occasions. Days passed and our closeness progressed. We developed a deep friendship and I knew I was treading a very dangerous line where my heart was at risk.
Until that week came. You didn't greet me good morning when I arrived in class. You didn't give me that smile of yours that never failed to put color in my day. You called me by my name and not your "love" and I was so shocked of the sudden change. At that moment I knew exactly what all those butterflies in my stomach meant. I knew why it always felt like my day won't be complete without me seeing you. I fell off that dangerous line—I fell for you and I had only accepted the truth when it came slapping my face.
I was scared, too. Too much that I had my friend immediately ask you why you changed your way of treating me. Today, I regret doing that. I regret hoping that maybe, like the stories I read, you're indifference towards me meant that you finally fell for me for real. I regret grasping on that tiny voice that told me we could be more than friends. I regret hearing you say that you stopped calling me your "love" because you didn't want me to assume and be hurt. I regret seeing how sorry you were, the guilt of what you did too evident on your face that I have come to adore. I regret finding out later on that you were courting a girl from another class and didn't want her to think that you were flirting me. I regret how you slowly veered away from me and even switched seats with your best friend just to put some distance between us.
I knew what you showed me was real, that you didn't fake all those gestures and sweet nothings. I was just wrong to assume that all those meant something else, something that may be more than friendship. You made me feel special, loved and I would never forget any of that even if it hurts. When I fell, I came crashing down with a loud thud expecting you to be there to catch me even if I knew that you wouldn't because you were the one who pushed me off that dangerous cliff. You told me once that you make jokes because you were afraid to take things seriously. You were afraid because if you take things seriously, they matter. I guess I didn't matter to you. After all, it all started out as a joke. I just didn't know the joke would be on me.
Written by C.C. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too!