Two years ago when we met, I was in need of saving. So you came like a fallen angel from heaven and saved me. You saved me from a terrible heartbreak; you made all of my heartaches a lot easier and bearable. It came to a point that when pain demanded me to feel it but I didn't, because you were there. And I was okay. We were really friends, I could say that. We hung out with the same group of friends who shared different perspectives in life but just met halfway. I was the teacher who never thought this would all happen and you were the engineer who made this possible.
Until that one day, I just felt like it was different. You were different. I was different. We were different. Those friendly conversations turned into sweet talks, the group get together became just the two of us, the twice-a-week hangouts became almost every day, those ordinary meals turned into romantic dates. But I kept my heart shut because I didn't want to break whatever it was that we had. You were my motivation to be happy and that was my secret. You were my secret.
And then the day came, it was no longer my secret anymore. People started asking what the real score between us was, and I just couldn't answer because honestly, I didn't know what to say. I may forget things easily, but I still remember every word you told me during our conversation, 3AM one day in February, "Let's enjoy whatever this is." And so I did. I pretended that I didn't hear any word my friends say about us, about what we were getting into. I didn't care at all, because I knew I had you. "You were worth the risk," my heart whispered. I thought you felt the same but I thought wrong.
I remember how happy I was just being with you. I remember how we'd exchange straws for our milk tea, how we'd share our Coke float, how you'd give me your favorite chicken in exchange for my liempo. I remember how fun we'd have during our dessert moments, when you'd wait for me to finish my meal and let me take half of your mango float, how we'd crack jokes and laugh all we can. I remember standing in front of the fast food counter beside you, and we almost held hands. I remember that night, when you literally blew me away, because it was hot and you didn't want me uncomfortable. You gave me all the excitement and jitters in my stomach when your lips almost touched my hands. I remember living in our little world. Crazy, but that's how I remember you.
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But I think, those memories weren't enough for me not to remember that very day when you told my friends that we weren't an item. We were just friends, nothing more. You even told them that this would all just pass by, and somehow, in time, I would just forget everything about you, about us. And I felt like my world had just came crashing down. I've never felt so broken since then. And I can't do anything but just cry and cry and cry.
What happened? What went wrong? I guess I just couldn't do anything about it anymore. You said it straight, right in front of everybody who've been my friends all my life, with all their eyes, ears, and heart, watching, hearing, and feeling you. I just hope you didn't mean it in that way. But it was all said and done.
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For whatever it is that we had, I still thank you, because I've never been happy my whole life. And you were the reason I felt it. With you, it was different. With you, I was able to prove to myself that I'm capable of these things. But maybe it's not just meant to happen. I just hope one day, you'll find the happiness you didn't find in me.
A letter from the girl who will always be just a friend,