You came from a 4-year relationship before we met that sophomore year. Too many secrets were kept and too many lies were told so there will be no reconciliations, you said. I was hesitant to let you in because I knew I was the potential rebound.
It took me almost a year to believe that everything was over between the two of you. Almost a year to admit that I already fell, too. It was a crazy roller coaster ride with you for almost three years. But I had to end what we have because your ex was still around.
I got tired of saying everything was okay. I got tired of settling being the number two. I got tired of not getting what I deserve. I got tired of being the rebound.
I was kept like a dirty secret. None of your family members or high school friends knew we were going out (because they knew you're fixing things with her) while I was out there, bragging about you to everyone. There were millions of reasons to leave you then but there was one reason why I came back and stayed-- love, too much love.
When you finally decided to end things between us, you said you still love her and I don't know you the way she does. There were no appropriate words to describe the pain after reading that text message. It was more than hitting your toenail on the edge of the table or more than a toothache or even more than stepping on a piece of lego.
I have every right to despise you when you cheated and left. I should hate you for not having the courage to break up with me personally. I should be cursing you right in the face. I should loathe you for all the pain you've caused me. For all the trouble I got into when I was defending you, I should be furious. But I can't. I can't be mad at you for hurting me. And that is how I know that this is love.
I am sorry if I tried to take her place even when I know I cannot. I am sorry for stealing three years from your love story. I am sorry for believing you could be happier with me. I am sorry for loving you this much.
I know you are happy now. I know this because I never saw you that happy when we were still together. I wish you genuine happiness. I hope you graduate this summer. I hope you land on your dream job. And I hope you fulfill all your goals.
It's been three months since the breakup and though I'm still hoping for a second chance or a closure, I am slowly learning my lesson. I now understand that love doesn't always last forever. And same goes with pain. I know I will be fine, I just need more time to finally accept that we are over. I need to accept that I can never have you again and more importantly, that I deserve better.
But for now, I will let myself love you from afar. Without asking you to love me in return, without letting you know.
If things don't work out with her again, please don't come back. Because I'll let you, no questions asked.
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