From Our Readers: To the Guy Who Keeps Me Asking Why
No matter what the question is, love is the answer. Is that really the case? After my long struggle fighting for the love I thought was worth fighting for, I ended up losing my mind and questioning my heart. We were long gone, and maybe if I see you somewhere again, I might just look away, pretend not to know you, and pass you by. Even when I have so much to ask you. I needed answers from you. And deep, deep down, I'm scared. I'm scared that only you could bring back my peace of mind, and the glow in my eyes, and I'm scared that only you could provide comfort in my heart once again.
I saw you standing across our building way back high school. Who would have thought that something as simple as that could actually make me fall for you? Maybe it was love at first sight, but I hated that thought. For me, liking someone takes time. And you? How could is it possible that you captivated me the moment I saw you? I instantly couldn't stop thinking about you already. I would almost wander around the school just to see you, but there was no chance at all to get to know you at that time. Graduation was fast approaching and I regret why noticed you too late. So what I did was to wait for our yearbook just so I could know your name. And then, through social media, I got to know you. You see, even the way our first conversation happened was too plain. Nothing special, no bumping into each other, no coincidental meeting, no destiny thing, nothing like in the movies. But I believed what I felt, and I believed in how you made me feel. We started to convince ourselves that we were meant for each other. And for years, we stayed just that way. We know that we belong together without having commitments, no endearments, no demands, and there wasn't a lot of going out as well. B, but I knew that there was care. There was a smile on my face. You inspired me, you were my strength, my comfort. And there was only you in my heart.
But you see, what comes with loving is not always happiness. There were tears, pain, hatred, and doubts. But for every pain you've caused me, I learned to be good at forgiving and waiting, giving, and fighting. I thought that I will be strong enough to hold on to the least of what we have, despite the fact that you’re not mine but I am totally yours.
Until I woke up one day and I already felt empty inside. I feel like I used and gave all the goodness in me, all the best of me to you. But in the end, I can never really have you at all. I gave up. I gave up, but you were never sorry. Why? Why did you just let me give up on you and leave? Why did you have to keep me long enough in your life, just so that I would hate you in the end? Why did you have to make me be at my happiest when now, you're the only reason that I cry myself to sleep in most nights since you left? Why did you have to let me love you when you really didn't have plans of keeping me forever?
I may not have the right answers today, I may not get them tomorrow, or the day after, but I believe there are answers to everything. And I'm not going to be asking the same questions every day forever. Because someday, somewhere, at some point, someone will provide me the right answers, the right reasons. And by then, I will stop wondering why.
Written by Jamaica Andres Balagan. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too!