That was one of the most tiring weeks of my life. Semestral break just started but I was still going to school to check on my group's unfinished papers. The fact that my best friend was in Pangasinan made the week a little busy. You went home, too, which was both good and bad for me because I had to cancel my other appointments to be with you.
But the unexpected happened. After a fight you started, a fight that started from one "okay," you ended us. The best part? Your timing. It was perfect because even though I had a fever and a broken knee that day, I was still pretty happy because I thought that that day was going to be wonderful.
I still remember what happened two or three days before that night. You went to my school after playing basketball and the first thing you asked me was "How do I look?" I said you looked good, of course. I introduced you to my friends and you gave them your warmest smile and warmest hello. Then we walked to the mall. The day was great.
We spent the rest of the day together, ate lunch, and watched a movie together. You know me; I always loved spending time with you because these moments are so rare. I still remember that while we were watching the movie you'd rest your head on my shoulder. We just held hands and talked about the movie and every thing that's happened the past few months. You brought me home at the end of the day and I gave you a jar filled with letters I've written of how much I love you.
More than two years ago, after almost a year of being in a complicated non-relationship, I said yes to you on our way home from your birthday party. All you could do was smile and give me a hug and a kiss on my cheek. Everything felt like it was all just a dream. It was too perfect. Your arms made me feel safe, secure.
On our freshman year in college, we both found it hard to cope with our studies. I decided to drop the class and cried the entire night while thinking that I was a big failure. You supported me all the way. And in return, I respected your studying schedules the way you respected mine as well. You know that I wouldn't want to hinder you from chasing your dreams.
But maybe I was too preoccupied that I failed to notice that we were going downhill. A year after we've made the relationship official, you always had excuses when I asked youto talk to me. Lunch dates became so rare because you said you were busy even though you still found time to play basketball, go somewhere to pass time, or watch movies with friends. I didn't want to look like I was desperate so I just tried to understand you.
I thought that all those fights would make us grow stronger because we got through them, but they didn't. We grew apart and you blamed the distance between us. I tried to fit in your world. You're popular and I was just normal. I know that your culture's different from mine, but I thought we could intertwine those differences because we valued each other more than what made us different.
The night we broke up was the worst night of my life. It took everything in me to hold back my tears while I was out with my cousins. When I got home, I begged you to let me fix this mess. You told me ten moths ago that you would never break up with me because I was all you wanted. You told me that you'd make me see that having one guy beside you your entire life was possible. You even told me that we weren't a dream that would eventually end after waking up. You told me you loved me.
A day after the break up I asked you if we could talk and you said yes. But you also clarified that nothing I will do will change your mind. That hurt. A lot. A day after the breakup, I was still wishing that that was just a dream and that I would soon wake up to a sweet text message from you. But this is not a dream. This is the bitterness of reality.
One day, I'll look at this as a moment of what-ifs. What if I really did my best to save what was left? I don't want to have a what if, especially with you. I know it will be hard. I know it will be painful. But I also know I can't lose you. I know we can survive all of this. That's the point of being in a relationship, right? You grow together. You mature together. You learn together. You face and solve problems together. I know we can and will do these things. I’m not giving up on us.
And now it's almost a year after we broke up. I hope I could finally bury this. I hope all the bitterness and sadness will be replaced with peace. I still hope that someday we could be good friends when you're ready. It's all where it started and I hope it's where it also ends.
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Francine Nicole Castillo is an 18-year-old B.S. Accountancy Student from the Kingfisher School of Business and Finance in Dagupan City.