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From Our Readers: To the Guy Who Almost Had Me

A letter from the girl who wasted her time on you.
ART Trixie Ison

To the Guy Who Almost Had Me

Nearly three years ago, when you came and showed up in my life. I never knew that you'd be that important and significant because you were really broken back then. It was me who picked up the pieces and saved you from heartache. It was me who saw you when you just wanted to cry and scream all night.

You almost had me at hello. You almost had me during our 3AM conversations. You almost had me with your sweet words. You almost had me with your cheesy lines. You almost had me because you showed me how great it is to be loved by me. I almost had you, I know. But it never really happened and I never really did have you.

READMaybe In Another Lifetime

Then, three years passed and you were okay. And I had to let you go, because finally, you found your happiness again, the new love of your life. The sad thing is, it wasn't me. Everyone thought that it could have been us because we were almost there. But the truth is, I was never enough. Being almost is never enough for you.

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And so, life has to go on until someone came and opened my eyes. He made me realize that there's more to life than love, than you, than this, us. With him, I felt like I was number one. I felt happier, but I just couldn't completely take you away from my system; you were part of my DNA—and you knew that. That whenever I feel all the jitters and excitement and happiness, I always think about you at the back of my mind.

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READTo the Boy Whose Heart I Can't Heal

I think of you every time I post a happy picture with him on Facebook. I think of you every time we pray together at the Church we used to go. I think of you every time he buys me his favorite Coke float and remember that you're not a "sweets" kind of person. I think of you whenever I see Daniel Padilla on TV and remember how you hated him and how you lifted up Coco Martin. I think of you every time we talk about school and remember how fun it would be when we used to talk about it way back, when you were almost mine. Sad that when I'm with him, I still think of you.

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I think of him whenever I remember you almost had me because you showed me how great it is to be loved by me. I have him now and he showed me how great it is to be loved by him. And that makes it different.

But it's different now. You were just the guy who almost had me. And he's the guy I can always think of whenever I hear that happy song on the radio, when I see fairytale endings in movies that we used to watch. I think of him whenever I remember you almost had me because you showed me how great it is to be loved by me. I have him now and he showed me how great it is to be loved by him. And that makes it different.

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READTo Sirius, My Brightest Star

Now, I don't want to think about you anymore, because you chose her. You chose her, but she chose to break your heart. When I think of you, you will always be that guy who left me and hurt me and broke me despite the fact that you always knew that it's you who could've had me. So you have no right to come back. I don't want to be your fallback for the second time. Not a chance. I know I didn't really have you, you just made me believe that I almost did.

Follow the author on Twitter @chinikaii and Instagram @chinikaii24. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous.

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Winning Heart

The journey of how I won people’s hearts by having a winning heart

Whatever happens tonight, I am a winner. That was the last line I delivered in front of the roaring crowd. My knees were trembling and my smile was shaking. I wanted to radiate confidence but I knew inside me were whirling storms of uncertainty. I wasn’t sure how to carry on for the rest of the night, it was only the first hour and my soul was already exhausted. I stood in front of an unfamiliar sea of people, I felt uncomfortable as they fixed their glances on me. The stage was bright and flashy as my co-contestants glazed the platform with outstanding physique and beauty. I couldn’t look straight at them because every time I did, a bucketful of insecurity was being poured on me. The whole pageant took about a few hours but it felt like eternity to me. I repeatedly asked myself questions every single time I stood on that platform. My vision was impaired by the blinding spotlights and all I could hear were the deafening roar of the audience combined with the booming music of the event. My head was filled with questions like “why are you here?”, “Will you be okay?” What will others think of you?” “What if you fail?”. Every step was heavier as I continued to overthink.

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For a moment on stage, I felt like I was floating. I was staring blankly at the end of the gymnasium. I was awakened by the loud cheer from the front row, I fixed my glance and saw large letters A-B-Y. it was like a snap to reality, I realized that’s my name. This time I could hear the synchronized cheers of people screaming my name. I smiled, walked away from the spotlight as I whispered to myself “let’s do this”. As the curtains opened, I walked towards the stage I felt lighter and different from the person a while ago. Walking was much easier and my knees weren’t trembling any longer. I stood at the edge of the stage, wandered my glance, and smiled genuinely. Flashing those pearly whites took barrels of longtime stored courage from within me. I marveled at how I could see the rainbow in the lights, the spotlights weren’t blinding anymore.

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My feet started stomping to the music every time I pose and my hips would flawlessly sway to the music. The roar of the audience was overwhelming no more, it was like whispers lost in the beat of the music. I knew as I stood there, all I needed to do was smile and be myself. My name was called accompanied by the thunderous applause and booming cheers of the crowd. I stood there alongside with other contestants. I was holding a bouquet and a trophy. I could feel the heavy crown on top of my head. However, the trophy beside me was much bigger, the lady beside me wore an even flashier crown, it was the crown of the titleholder. That night I landed the first runner-up spot. My head was filled with “what ifs”. What if I did just a little better, what if I exerted more effort and so on.

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As I stepped down on stage, several people rushed to me. They were jumping, screaming and clapping. It was so chaotic that it took me a millennium to recognize them, it was my family. They were hugging me from all directions. When I saw their smiles I knew I did great. I realized that was what I meant when I said “whatever happens tonight I am a winner”. Their presence, genuine smiles, and warm hugs meant more than the trophy and sash that night. For them, I was a star who shined through the darkness of the night. Before leaving the venue, a hand tapped me from behind “Congrats,” she whispered I turned to see her, and to my surprise she was a schoolmate who used to tease me because of my chubby physique.

I smiled as I expressed my gratitude towards her. As I walked away, I realized that I accomplished something legendary that night. I was able to showcase that pageants are not only for thin-looking, tall people. I managed to snatch everyone’s attention with this average height and chubby body. That night started with so much uncertainty and insecurity. As I stared at my reflection, I looked exhausted but I was wearing a different smile. A smile of victory and bravery. A smile that defeated the stereotypes and stigma about people like me. That night ended with a realization that maybe winning isn’t always about winning the crown, it’s about winning people’s hearts and having a winning heart.

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Nicole Caluag A day ago

5 Mystery-Thriller Novels to Read

If you’re stuck at home and out of Netflix shows to binge-watch, then you might want to try and read these mystery-thriller books to match your homemade Dalgona Coffee.

1. The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides

The debut novel, and Goodreads Choice Awards Best Mystery & Thriller of 2019, follows Alicia Berenson, a well-known painter married to an esteemed fashion photographer. Life seemed perfect for Alicia, until one evening when she shot her husband five times, and… never spoke again.

2. Lock Every Door by Riley Sager

From the author of Final Girls comes this page turning novel about an infamous building in Manhattan called the Bartholomew. After stumbling upon an ad to become an apartment sitter, Jules Larsen has set out to look after apartment 12A under strict and somewhat odd conditions. Not long after stepping foot in the building, Jules has been met with unfriendly tenants, eerie noises in the apartment unit, and an abrupt departure of a fellow sitter named Ingrid.

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3. The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James

If you loved Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho or David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, then this book is for you. After the disappearance of her Aunt Vivian while working as a night-shift clerk at the Sun Down Motel in 1982, Carly has set off to Fell NY, to work the same job at the same place as her Aunt had 35 years ago – with hopes of uncovering the truth lurking behind the Motel walls.

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4. Verity by Colleen Hoover

While known for Young-Adult Novels such as Slammed and Maybe Someday, Colleen Hoover offers readers a romantic thriller about Lowen Ashleigh, a struggling author who was given the opportunity to finish the three remaining novels of a successful series after its original author, Verity Crawford, suffered an accident and has become immobile. After receiving an invite at the Crawford manor to sort through Verity’s notes, Lowen discovers an unpublished autobiography revealing the truth about Verity. With the eerie atmosphere of having Verity confined in her own home, and who is seemingly aware of her surroundings, Lowen is certain Verity is not what she appears to be.

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5. Dark Matter by Blake Crouch

A mind-bending science fiction thriller from the best-selling author of Wayward Pines – Dark Matter is packed with the concept of the Multiverse and the philosophy of existentialism. The novel follows an ordinary Physics professor, Jason Dessen, who was looking forward to dinner with his family while walking the streets of Chicago. The next thing he knew, he was being held at gunpoint – by a man wearing a mask – and injected with an unknown drug and blacks out. When he regains consciousness, he learns that the world he woke up to was different from the world he knew.

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