From Our Readers: To the Guy I Loved For So Long But Never Fought For Me
When our path crossed, I never knew that I would deeply fall in love with you. You were just my friend back then. We had fun together. We shared stories and even deepest secrets with each other. We even used to attend dance practices together! I was so comfortable with you, and I guess, you were, too.
As time passed, we began to discover more details about each other. We even went out with some of our friends together. We watched movies. We dined at different restaurants and even competed and won in different dance competitions. Neither of us knew that those little things we did with our peers would definitely become one of the ways to get really closer to each other. Over the years of our wonderful friendship, I did not expect that you would just sweep me off my feet one day. Never did I know that you would confess what you felt for me. I was surprised to know that you had kept those feelings for so long and I did not even see it coming. When you said you loved me, I ran out of words to say; but in the end, you knew I felt the same—that even though I did not speak a word, you saw it in my eyes.
You saw the real me through our journey, and vice versa. We became aware of our mannerisms and loved them as we faced new chapters in life. I even discovered that your ears turned red when you felt shy and that you could open soda bottles with your teeth. I even discovered how you loved your mother that you would do anything for her—one of the things I loved the most about you. We were so happy back then that I even thought I would end up with you in the end, but I was wrong. When distance got between us, we started to drift apart. We were left with no choice but to separate our ways to attend school. Neither of us knew it was the beginning of falling apart. During the first semester, great numbers of miles were still not felt. You used to call me every night to share how your day went. You were also fond of posting on my Facebook wall, wishing I was there with you. But as days went by, you became busy with your studies which I did not mind because I knew it was important more than anything else that time. But things changed after that. You seldom called me on the phone and I would be lucky if I got a call from you in a week. Nevertheless, I did not demand for any of it because I did not want to disturb you. Until I no longer got calls from you and I became unaware that even my feelings for you started to fade away. Until I woke up one day and realized that you were already out of my system. Maybe it was because you forgot me first.
Over the past few years, I thought I was already over you. I thought if I would see you again, pain would no longer be felt because I had already moved on. I thought that I would not cry again because of you. But I was wrong again. When we had a reunion, I did not know how to present myself. I saw you. Your eyes. Your lips. Your hair. You looked fresh. And when I heard your voice, it was like a dagger was stabbed right through my heart. Right there, I knew I wasn't over you. I wondered how you felt when you saw me. Did you regret leaving me hanging? Did you want me back in your arms? Since that night, you began giving me mixed signals, but we never got back together again. We just had our feelings mutual for the second time around. You made me feel like nothing went on between us before. We became so happy again. We became like the "old us," sweet, fun, and strong, I guess. Yet, there would always be times when I did not understand how you treated me. Sometimes, it contradicted with the words you said. I remembered that every time I had something special for you, you always rejected me. Once. Twice. Three times. I could not even count it with my fingers. Although I was giving you all the chances you could get to take "us" onto a higher level, you kept on ignoring them, leaving me feeling unappreciated and taking me for granted. However, I still stood up and fought for you, for us—but I just wounded myself.
For all the times I fell, I thought I could handle the pain forever. I thought I was already used to it. I did not even know why you kept on rejecting me but you did not want to let me go. Sometimes, you would push me away. But when I tried to run away, you kept on pulling me back to you. I did not know if I was just for display or you were just waiting for the right timing to make a move. I remembered you even invited me to be your partner in a Valentine's ball in the academy you were enrolled at. I thought that would be the night that you would finally make everything up to me. Everything was perfect. We held hands. You toured me around the academy. There were fireworks. People kept on telling us that we would be back with each other. And then, you kissed me. But it was just all in my thoughts that you would say the words I wanted to hear. I just expected something I knew would never happen and I did not really understand why it never happened. I could not understand why you could not fight for me when I did almost everything for you. Were you just afraid to take the risks? Well, I took too much risks to fight for you. I could not find any reason for you not to fight for me.
But I guess, that would just how far "we" would go. We would always be a cycle without having its state of grace. We would always be in a roller coaster ride—bumpy and tedious—but would never ever dare to jump off to see what the world could bring. We would always be trapped in this box you made, or should I say, I would always be trapped in you where I would always be hoping that someday, just someday, you somehow see my worth.
Sent in by Erika Bianca Lasay. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!