From Our Readers: To the Ghost of My Past Love
Who are you right now? I don't know. The "you" that I know, the "you" that I familiarized my heart with, he's already dead. But for me, that "you" never died. You continued to haunt me everywhere, torturing me with what ifs, asking questions without providing any answers at all. And who knows, this might be my eulogy to everything that happened between us, to the love I once felt, to the memories I've become so fond of. Rest in peace.
Let me recall everything.
I know you are my sweetest memory. I only have memories of you to live by. I only have faint memories of your smile and your laughter and your rib cage and your skinny body and your big hands and your deep voice and your big nose and well, everything about you. Everything that used to be you.
Maybe this is why I should forget you. You are just a lingering ghost, a memory. You are my dream and now, you no longer seem a person to me. You've become way too fictional, way too perfect for me. You are just a memory, so maybe I should start making new ones. You are just a ghost, so maybe I should learn to let go of the dead.
So... Who am I to you? Maybe I'm just your cold cup of coffee, waiting to be appreciated, but I can never match her cup of tea. Maybe I'm just the lyric you always forget, waiting to be remembered, but I can never match the rhythm of her song. Maybe I'm just the key you always misplace, waiting to be found, but I can never open your heart the way her key does. Maybe I'm just the little kid who wishes on a star; I try to pretend the star is you, and like the star, you're so distant to talk back. I'll always be your biggest what if, your almost; and almost is and will never be enough.
Maybe I should stop trying to be a different person I am not for you. Maybe I should stop aspiring to be more like other people. After all, it was a privilege to have loved you, and it was also a privilege to have my heart broken by you.
The distance between us - both literally and figuratively - I cannot feel it, for I see you everywhere. I see you in guitars, I see you in anime shows, I see you in the books I read, I see you in the place where I first met you. I see you in my past, I see you in my future, and I almost see you in my present. Maybe one day you'll stumble upon this letter. Maybe one day I'll stop writing letters with my name hidden under anagrams, for I lack the courage to vent it all out to you. Maybe one day I'll be precious enough to belong in your memory too. Maybe one day you'll remember that I was the one who really cared, your second option who never made you an option at all. Maybe one day you'll stare into the cup of coffee you made, because its color reminded you how brown my eyes are. Maybe one day you'll regret and wish that the almost happened, for that's what has been haunting me for years. Maybe one day we'll see that all the nostalgic cliffhangers between us will be filled with great plot twists and morals to learn from.
But you know what, I'm grateful. I am more than happy that for once, I made you feel special. I made you feel appreciated. I made you feel loved. I made you realize how great of a person you were, or are. I might have been deprived to feel the same things from you or to receive answers for my unanswered questions, but at least I had someone to offer my feelings to. I'm grateful that I've lived those five years continually being haunted and guarded by your ghost, my ghost of almost, for I have become braver, stronger. Better. And almost ready to love a new living soul, not a ghost.
Sent in by Louishana J. Arridge. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!
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To the Person Who Does Not Know Any 1D Song
By: CJ Reyno
Never in my wildest dream I imagined to meet someone who does not know a single One Direction song or who does not even know, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne, Niall Horan, and err… Zayn Malik. How did you spend your teenagehood without listening to their songs? The disrespect to my #StyPayHorLikSon. My initial reaction, Vas Happenin’?
Since I was 12 years old, that was way back on 2012, One Direction songs have been my official life soundtrip, my go-to songs whenever I feel happy, sad, mad, excited, and etch. I can still remember how people went crazy just to attend their concert here in the Philippines. I must admit, I was one of those. LOL. The group was also dubbed as, “The Biggest Boyband in the World”. They were an era. You really left me in awe when you told me that you do not know a single One Direction song. Their songs are gold. But I was a little hopeful when a new messaged popped up on our conversation, “Hey I know one, Make You Beautiful”.
You do not know how my world collapsed after reading your message. I would like to say that I appreciate the effort, thanks, but they do not have a song entitled, Make You Beautiful, because it is, What Makes You Beautiful. I tried to explain but you said that they are just the same. (Tip: Never fight with a Directioner when it comes to this because we will not let our guards down). No! They are not the same. How can you make this big mistake? LOL. What Makes You Beautiful is One Direction’s debut song. Almost everyone knows this, “you’re insecure, don’t know what for,” ring a bell? The music video of this surpassed 1 billion views on Youtube. On my 21 years of existence, you are the very first person who told me this “I-Thought-It-Was-A-Joke-But-You-Are-Serious” statement.
As a persuasive fangirl, I thought to myself that I should make you appreciate their music, that you should know that it is What Makes You Beautiful, not Make You Beautiful. The group may be in hiatus but their music is and will always remain superior. You are hard-headed lad. We even when to the point where you challenged me to treat so I can make you watch their music video. Am I even surprised that I agreed to this? HAHA. I feel like an agent trying to persuade her customer to buy a property on our company. You do not know how happy I was when you sent me your video listening to What Makes You Beautiful. I felt like I successfully closed a deal with my client. Not to exaggerate but I really jumped because of happiness after watching your video. It was the first message I checked that morning. Thank you for your effort, so much appreciated. Funny how our conversation starts with your innocence on One Direction until it goes deeper and last longer. Up All Nigh conversations which turned to almost Midnight Memories. Ironic how a Directioner had developed an admiration on someone who dislikes her favorite boys? Just like One Direction’s song, Change My Mind, “Never felt like this before. Are we friends or are we more?” I guess, like Liam’s line on Love You Goodbye, “It's inevitable everything that's good comes to an end. It's impossible to know if after this we can still be friends.”
I was happy that I made you listen to One Direction. At least I made you appreciate and made you aware that there is a song called, What Makes You Beautiful, not Make You Beautiful. I am happy that you already found your Girl Almighty. Wish me luck on finding my Summer Love. xoxo, Your Directioner friend
Here's a fan art that I made for Lee Joo Young of Itaewon class! I've been making digital illustration since last year and I'm happy that I was able to see my improvements. I'm also happy to see people's reactions and support for my craft even though all of it are made through my phone (adobe illustrator) only ????. You don't actually have to use expensive or complicated medium as long as you know how to be creative and like what you're doing, then you can do it. ????