From Our Readers: To The Friend Who I Thought Would Never Change
HAIR Eddiemar Cabiltes MODELS Akiko Abad, LJ Harbord
I wanted to start off with something classic like "Dear Best Friend" or "Dearest Beloved," but I kind of thought it was somehow inappropriate, especially knowing how much things have happened and realizing calling you that doesn't apply at this moment.
Think about all the crazy stuff we did. Don't scroll down without thinking about them right now.
I've been trying to reach out and all—to make you feel as if nothing changed and we're still the same people we were. I've been trying to make you feel that I'm still the one you used to joke around with, go silly over silly things and create amazing experiences together.
But every time I think about it, reaching out feels like reaching out all by myself. I convince myself that nothing has changed, but I know so many things have changed and we're not the same people we were. I feel like you're not the same person I used to joke around with, the one I go silly over silly things, the one I used to create amazing experiences with. In fact, I feel like I'm just an option at the moment. It's hard to believe but that's what's happening to us, and it kind of leaves this hurt in my heart because we used to do so many things together. We used to be too perfect for each other. It's sad that I'm the only one doing all the efforts to talk while you're clearly no longer interested.
I still believe that you still care, for me and for whatever relationship this is. What I don't understand is the fact that you've changed, pretty fast, faster than I ever expected. Not too long ago you were telling me all these crazy things and I told you how much I long to hear even more. You were happy. It was genuine and irreplaceable— knowing that I was making someone so happy and glad and pleased. Remember all those promises you made? I could even detail them. All the things we shared were real, but maybe some things we're never really meant to last.
Seeing you happy today makes me happy, but I want to be part of that happiness. You once told me how much you wanted me to be part of everything that you do, which now is clearly not happening. It sucks to be taken for granted, knowing that never in your life had you thought of taking that person for granted the way that they are doing right now. Have you ever wondered about how I felt whenever you'd go without even telling me? Have you ever wondered how I felt when you started keeping things from me, and how much it had hurt when you started hanging out with other people?
I'm definitely thankful because you made me experience being a part of you, even if it didn't last that long. I don't even think you're aware that this is happening, because you're too busy and happy to think about it, or think about me. What bothers me always is the coldness that I feel whenever I'm with you. I used to feel so glad when I'm near you, but today it feels like I'm forcing myself to be happy. And the truth is it's killing me not being able to say all the things that I want to say.
I've been feeling alone for some time now. I go out with friends and make the most out of my day but it was never the same. I'm always searching for the kind of feeling that you gave me every time. Hard to believe but what was once every time turned out to be once upon a time.
I may be going crazy right now, but I still want you to know that though we're not the same people we were, the same crazy as heck weirdos— which I now badly miss—I'm still thankful for all the awesome experiences I shared with you. Right now, I still want to figure things out. I'm still in search of the answers to all my questions on whatever happened to both of us.
I'm pretty sure you have your reasons. May I know some of them? Because honestly, I'm tired of always not knowing why. And maybe I do, maybe I still believe that one day you—the old you—would be. The one person I called my best friend and the person I may never really forget. Truth is, I really won't forget about you.
It sucks being without you. Do you feel the same way, too?
Rizz Escaño blogs at youdreamyoubelieve.wordpress.com. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too!