It's been awhile. Really. It has been 2 months, 16 days, and still counting since we last talked. I wanted to ask you if you're doing well, if you still have problems with your mother or if you're excited to start your new year with a new university. But I cannot, because I am not the girl you see in the movies. I am not the girl who goes after the guy who left me clueless and asks for answers because when I let go, I try to really let go. I am not that persistent, and I do not show off my feelings because truth to be told, I can't. I'm afraid of rejection, and I'm scared that I was the only one who felt special in our little "extraordinary" relationship. I'm terrified that I was one of the girls who fell for your charms, while you just played around and soon left me when you got bored.
Or maybe you just saw me when you needed me.
I am that person who always is present whenever someone needed me. And maybe you saw right through me. Maybe it was when I lent you my phone because your mom confiscated yours, or maybe it was when you thought you could always borrow my notes because you knew that I can't live without the explanations I jot down. Maybe it was when I was always a text away whenever you need something, and I would always be the person to do the errand for you.
I must admit that I felt special during those days, because I felt useful to someone. I felt that I was needed by you, knowing that you are not the one to ask someone for help. I was a fool for you (I still am, by the way), I must admit. All those little things that you did back for me: those were so precious it takes time for me to move on from you.
How do I move on from the person who gave me so much to remember?
As I write this, I just realized how much I've used the past tense for our story. Maybe it wasn't supposed to conclude like the way I wanted it. Maybe it was supposed to end like this. I am so intoxicated in all the maybes you left me that I'm afraid that another maybe would come and I wouldn't be able to give that maybe a chance just like how I did with you. I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to love someone as much as I loved you. I am so afraid that I don't know what to do if another guy enters my life. You left me clueless, but I am trying to go back to the track I used to take before you came. But it isn't easy. It is never the same anymore, and it will never be.
I really am trying my best not to hold on to the valuable memories you shared with me. I took my first step by keeping all the things you gave to me, and the journals I have written for you because it aches how I was so crazy about you. I also muted your Twitter account, unfollowed you on Instagram, and didn't save your new numbers because I don't want to remember everything we had in common. All those little secrets, corny jokes, silly text messages – soon, they will be the ones that used to matter. Not now, I guess.
READ: My Heartbreaking Journey
As I end this letter, I just want to say thank you for letting me love you in secret. You'll never know how I felt for you, because I am that coward. Yes, I told you that I was once attracted to you, and that wasn't a lie because I am not attracted to you anymore: I am in love with you. I am sorry if I sound like I've been blaming you all this time, because I was that hurt. I hope you understand that I didn't want to cut ties with you. It's just that if I continue to be in love with you, it would just be painful. Love wasn't supposed to kill you while you're still breathing.
Until next time, if we still have that.
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