From Our Readers: This is for Everyone Who Has Tried to Let Go
I should have done this a long time ago. I've been thinking too hard lately if I'll do this or not. And it took me years to finally say please let me go.
Don't get me wrong, I love you so much. I have loved you with all my heart and soul since the day I met you. But today, I've decided to unlove you. I'm not really sure how but this is what I can do. When I see you down the road, I won't call out your name. When I see familiar places we've been, I'll turn around because I don't want to remember any memory of you. When I get stuck waiting for the train, I will not call you. If I have personal dilemmas, no, I will not message you in Facebook and beg for you to talk to me. When I see something funny or nice, I will not send the links in your Viber because I want to stop relating things to you. I'll stop listening to our music. I'll stop looking at your posts and Instagram photos because it hurts to see you happy with someone else. I'll stop. I can't pretend that I'm okay anymore, that we're okay because we're not, I'm not.
Yes, I tried to be friends with you. It's because I don't want to lose you. But then I realized I've already lost you that summer of 2013 when things between us fell apart. So what else is there to lose?
You told me to wait. I want you to know that I waited and will be waiting even after you read this letter, I know I'll still be thinking of you every day. I know I'll miss you so much that I'll hold my phone and dial your number. But then, I know I shouldn't, so I will delete your number even if I've memorize it by heart. I know I'll be crying every now and then because I decided to disconnect and I should not regret closing my doors to you. I chose not to talk to you anymore because I want to love myself even more. Now, tell me. How can I love myself if I keep on dreaming I could hold your hands when you're holding somebody else? When I want you in my arms but you're already sleeping contentedly in someone else's embrace? When I long for you to kiss me passionately but you're already kissing her lips? When I wish to tell you all my heart's hopes but I know that they no longer interest you. I just can't go on dreaming when reality is happening right in front of my very eyes. Believe me when I tell you I want to be with you, I really do. But we are a hopeless case. You know that.
Let me remind you that I'm not mad. We had two wonderful years together back then and I deeply treasure our once upon a time. Although our happily ever after never existed, I have accepted and forgiven you as much as I've forgiven myself. I'll miss your family, too, you know. They are great people. If they ask you how I am, tell them I'm okay and I miss them. One reason why it's hard to let go is your family. I am also thinking of them. They know how tight our friendship is even after our romantic relationship ended. This is really hard. Letting go of you means letting go of your good family as well. I'll miss playing with your little sister. I'll miss the drama with your twin. I'll miss the smart talks with your tito and tita. I'll miss the humor of your dad and the support of your mom. But most of all, I'll miss you.
I can't stay friends with you. I tried. I hate falling over and over and over for you. One moment I know I'm fine, and then the next thing I see you or hear your voice, I'm not. You see, that's the cycle! We won't talk for weeks and here I thought I'm over but then your name appeared in my screen! I keep coming back to square one. I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm too depressed. I'm such a mess. I want to be your priority, not your second option. I want to move on. You are not the right person for me, but you're the best kind of mistake that happened to my life.
I was thinking that one day you'll appear in front of me and say. "I'm sorry if I kept you waiting. I still love you." It's like a film that plays in my head for over a gazillion times now. But our story is not some kind of Nicholas Sparks' book or a film like One More Chance. Our love story has ended a long time ago and I should have ended my feelings a long time ago, too. You had your relationships after me and I should have known that I'm just only a part of your past and never will be your present and most impossible, your future.
The thing here is, my love is worth a thousand hurts. You said, "I know you too well." Yes, you know what's running in my mind but you never know what's inside my heart. Why did you never think to ask? You were always sure of yourself. You said, "We've matured." You thought being mature means not getting hurt and forgetting the past. I simply can't do that. But giving up, I think, is the mature thing to do.
I'll let go because I can't hurt myself any longer. I pray you understand. Even if I detach, do know that I still care for you. But honey, I'll let go because we can never ever be together. Not in this lifetime.
Please don't respond after you read this. I don't want to know if you'll prevent me from going or don't care at all if I walk away. I'd rather mull over than listen to your words. Please don't come back even if I tell you to don't leave me. Please don't leave me.
Sent in by Louise Silvestre. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!
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5 Mystery-Thriller Novels to Read
If you’re stuck at home and out of Netflix shows to binge-watch, then you might want to try and read these mystery-thriller books to match your homemade Dalgona Coffee.
1. The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides
The debut novel, and Goodreads Choice Awards Best Mystery & Thriller of 2019, follows Alicia Berenson, a well-known painter married to an esteemed fashion photographer. Life seemed perfect for Alicia, until one evening when she shot her husband five times, and… never spoke again.
2. Lock Every Door by Riley Sager
From the author of Final Girls comes this page turning novel about an infamous building in Manhattan called the Bartholomew. After stumbling upon an ad to become an apartment sitter, Jules Larsen has set out to look after apartment 12A under strict and somewhat odd conditions. Not long after stepping foot in the building, Jules has been met with unfriendly tenants, eerie noises in the apartment unit, and an abrupt departure of a fellow sitter named Ingrid.
3. The Sun Down Motel by Simone St. James
If you loved Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho or David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, then this book is for you. After the disappearance of her Aunt Vivian while working as a night-shift clerk at the Sun Down Motel in 1982, Carly has set off to Fell NY, to work the same job at the same place as her Aunt had 35 years ago – with hopes of uncovering the truth lurking behind the Motel walls.
4. Verity by Colleen Hoover
While known for Young-Adult Novels such as Slammed and Maybe Someday, Colleen Hoover offers readers a romantic thriller about Lowen Ashleigh, a struggling author who was given the opportunity to finish the three remaining novels of a successful series after its original author, Verity Crawford, suffered an accident and has become immobile. After receiving an invite at the Crawford manor to sort through Verity’s notes, Lowen discovers an unpublished autobiography revealing the truth about Verity. With the eerie atmosphere of having Verity confined in her own home, and who is seemingly aware of her surroundings, Lowen is certain Verity is not what she appears to be.
5. Dark Matter by Blake Crouch
A mind-bending science fiction thriller from the best-selling author of Wayward Pines – Dark Matter is packed with the concept of the Multiverse and the philosophy of existentialism. The novel follows an ordinary Physics professor, Jason Dessen, who was looking forward to dinner with his family while walking the streets of Chicago. The next thing he knew, he was being held at gunpoint – by a man wearing a mask – and injected with an unknown drug and blacks out. When he regains consciousness, he learns that the world he woke up to was different from the world he knew.
Here's a poem I wrote a while back reflecting on what it's like over-rationalize a simple thing like crushing on a dude -- hence, the title "Scientific Method"
You were a phenomenon I cannot wrap my head around
When I first met you, my heart forgot to make its signature sound
And it's overwhelming, your presence;
And underwhelming, so science will be the only language I'll hide in-- For now.
At first glance, I notice your top button unbuttoned,
and your shirt fully cotton
Complete with a smile as nervous as me
And a swagger in your step only I can see
Further on, I find your wit to be at a pace
That doesn't leave any space for tension to rise
and it's all too nice
And ridiculous and a bit too suspicious
That this isn't another (well,) circus.
Now, let's take a wild guess,
Oh, but it has to be smart, yes,
That this could lead to something with potential
That this isn't another differential easily solved
With a formula, tried and tested but never evolved
For so long, we've both been independent of any dependent
Keeping our variables fixed and ourselves distracted
With anything, everything,
But not a single thing
Could stop me from pushing this blindly to find its threshold,
Hoping that it's a quantity my hands could still hold
Over hours, days, and weeks
Through minor revisions and tweaks
Then comes the analysis -- that these weren't accidents
So, now I find myself in a conundrum
With the anomaly in a blue shirt right in front of me,
That this had to be processed logically,
But the findings are as follows:
None of which were shallow, so I therefore conclude that it's true,
I therefore conclude that it's you.
Mi Luna: The Light in My Dark Soul Locked in… Alone…
Why do I feel comforted by darkness? Oh cause maybe because… I am a jolly and very enthusiast kid back then. All I know is to have fun, laugh and play. But as I grow older, everything has changed, a lot. I can feel the changes. I know the more I get older, I’m turning to something I’m not. You know what, I just realized I like it even more. And that’s how I turned a monster. A monster to my own self. Always questioning life and even God about the things that are happening with my life. “Do I deserve this?”. Every day was a struggle. “Which mask should I wear now?”. And every night is my judgement time. “Should I still continue with my miserable life?”. This certainly sum up my whole life. I have this mindset since I was young. I can say that my experiences made me like this. I always want to escape, but every time I tried to pick up myself up, there is always shits that pulls me down. And there, I get tired. Hoping that no one would ever see this. As I despise myself as well. What I can do now is to just embraced everything, I just embraced darkness- reflecting my own self.
“Look at the moon, it can shine alone and it can give us light at night.” A line I was keeping in my mind that a friend of mine helps me realize things and been there to fix my path. And there I started seeking for my moon but I do not know which part should I start. As days passed, I started to open up myself. I started to act as what truly inside me. It is very hard at first and there is this time that even the situation got worst. But as I continue exploring with my life, a question pop out on my head “Why did I still get this far?”, I can say that maybe I should do this, maybe I really can do this but it is myself who is holding me back because I’m afraid.
Now as far as I am trying to revive my soul, there I know that many people care. Yes, I learned to open up but not to all, on different situations there are people who can understand me because they have the same situation as I am. I learn to open up as long as they did not force me. I learned to navigate and open up for whom I trusted and at the same time when I am ready. The light that I am seeking is my own understanding and acceptance about myself. My light is myself and I am Mi Luna. So it is not too late to save myself. I have thought that, I should be a survivor and winner. That I should also be the ruler of my own mind and soul. Eliminate the room for darkness and let the light shine through you, that I can say how I earned myself again. Mi Luna’s darkness have turned to spotlight.
I just posted some of my own movie reviews from LSS to The Heiress para naman may pagka-movie critic ako in the midst of the pandemic… from Home! Check them out here: Pista ng Pelikulang Pilipino 3 (#PPP2019): • #LSSTheMovie: bit.ly/MyLSSReview • #ThePantiSisters: bit.ly/MyTPSReview • #ImEllenyaL: bit.ly/MyImEllenyaLReview Metro Manila Film Festival: • #TheMallTheMerrier: bit.ly/MyTMTMReview • #MissionUnstapabol: bit.ly/MyMissionUnstapabolReview • #3polTrobolHuliKaBalbon: bit.ly/My3polTrobolReview Non-film fest: • #JamesAndPatAndDave: bit.ly/MyJPDReview • #TheHeiress: bit.ly/MyTheHeiressReview Any thoughts? Don't forget to connect by commenting! Enjoy #MovieBingeAtHome! #COVIDMovieCritic