I should have done this a long time ago. I've been thinking too hard lately if I'll do this or not. And it took me years to finally say please let me go.
Don't get me wrong, I love you so much. I have loved you with all my heart and soul since the day I met you. But today, I've decided to unlove you. I'm not really sure how but this is what I can do. When I see you down the road, I won't call out your name. When I see familiar places we've been, I'll turn around because I don't want to remember any memory of you. When I get stuck waiting for the train, I will not call you. If I have personal dilemmas, no, I will not message you in Facebook and beg for you to talk to me. When I see something funny or nice, I will not send the links in your Viber because I want to stop relating things to you. I'll stop listening to our music. I'll stop looking at your posts and Instagram photos because it hurts to see you happy with someone else. I'll stop. I can't pretend that I'm okay anymore, that we're okay because we're not, I'm not.
Yes, I tried to be friends with you. It's because I don't want to lose you. But then I realized I've already lost you that summer of 2013 when things between us fell apart. So what else is there to lose?
You told me to wait. I want you to know that I waited and will be waiting even after you read this letter, I know I'll still be thinking of you every day. I know I'll miss you so much that I'll hold my phone and dial your number. But then, I know I shouldn't, so I will delete your number even if I've memorize it by heart. I know I'll be crying every now and then because I decided to disconnect and I should not regret closing my doors to you. I chose not to talk to you anymore because I want to love myself even more. Now, tell me. How can I love myself if I keep on dreaming I could hold your hands when you're holding somebody else? When I want you in my arms but you're already sleeping contentedly in someone else's embrace? When I long for you to kiss me passionately but you're already kissing her lips? When I wish to tell you all my heart's hopes but I know that they no longer interest you. I just can't go on dreaming when reality is happening right in front of my very eyes. Believe me when I tell you I want to be with you, I really do. But we are a hopeless case. You know that.
Let me remind you that I'm not mad. We had two wonderful years together back then and I deeply treasure our once upon a time. Although our happily ever after never existed, I have accepted and forgiven you as much as I've forgiven myself. I'll miss your family, too, you know. They are great people. If they ask you how I am, tell them I'm okay and I miss them. One reason why it's hard to let go is your family. I am also thinking of them. They know how tight our friendship is even after our romantic relationship ended. This is really hard. Letting go of you means letting go of your good family as well. I'll miss playing with your little sister. I'll miss the drama with your twin. I'll miss the smart talks with your tito and tita. I'll miss the humor of your dad and the support of your mom. But most of all, I'll miss you.
I can't stay friends with you. I tried. I hate falling over and over and over for you. One moment I know I'm fine, and then the next thing I see you or hear your voice, I'm not. You see, that's the cycle! We won't talk for weeks and here I thought I'm over but then your name appeared in my screen! I keep coming back to square one. I can't lie to myself anymore. I'm too depressed. I'm such a mess. I want to be your priority, not your second option. I want to move on. You are not the right person for me, but you're the best kind of mistake that happened to my life.
I was thinking that one day you'll appear in front of me and say. "I'm sorry if I kept you waiting. I still love you." It's like a film that plays in my head for over a gazillion times now. But our story is not some kind of Nicholas Sparks' book or a film like One More Chance. Our love story has ended a long time ago and I should have ended my feelings a long time ago, too. You had your relationships after me and I should have known that I'm just only a part of your past and never will be your present and most impossible, your future.
The thing here is, my love is worth a thousand hurts. You said, "I know you too well." Yes, you know what's running in my mind but you never know what's inside my heart. Why did you never think to ask? You were always sure of yourself. You said, "We've matured." You thought being mature means not getting hurt and forgetting the past. I simply can't do that. But giving up, I think, is the mature thing to do.
I'll let go because I can't hurt myself any longer. I pray you understand. Even if I detach, do know that I still care for you. But honey, I'll let go because we can never ever be together. Not in this lifetime.
Please don't respond after you read this. I don't want to know if you'll prevent me from going or don't care at all if I walk away. I'd rather mull over than listen to your words. Please don't come back even if I tell you to don't leave me. Please don't leave me.
Sent in by Louise Silvestre. Got your own story to tell? Drop us an email at candymagazine @gmail.com! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured!