From Our Readers: The Pain of Loving an Immature Guy
I was happy doing my morning jog with my mom, when I saw you. My smile faded. I couldn't help but waIk towards you. I knew that you saw me, too. I knew that you saw me walking to you but why did you act like you didn't see me? You turned your back at me. I thought I was over you but I wasn't. Everything came back to me. The feelings, the memories, the pain.
It's been 6 months since I last saw you. You were cold to me. I said hi to you, but you just passed right by me and talked to your friends. That haunted me these past few months. Did I really hurt you that much to the point that you'd act like I didn't exist to you anymore? I wanted to talk to you but it looked like you didn't care anymore. It's a good thing I'm good at hide-and-seek. I always hide my feelings. So I acted like I didn't care, too. But guess what? I still care. I stalk your Facebook and Twitter timeline even though I know that you're not active on social media. And you know what? We don't text each other anymore. You're not even in my phone book anymore. But I still can't forget your cellphone number.
I can still remember that very special day last year when you said you love me. Every day I'd get "good morning," "good night," and endless "I love you" texts from you. I looked stupid because I was always smiling. I couldn't wait for lunch time so we'd see each other again. Then I'd wait for dismissal so we could talk again. It looked like my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't see you. You were my friend and someone special. I always supported you in whatever you did. I was always there for you. Though I had feelings for you too (or maybe I still have), we never got the chance to be official. I was waiting for something. Well now it's something that you never did.
I was waiting, waiting for you to make an effort. You'd always text me "I love you" but I wouldn't know what to reply. I wanted to say I love you, too. Because if you knew that I love you too, I know that your small efforts would turn to even smaller efforts. I wasn't waiting for those sweet texts from you. I wasn't waiting for a cliche surprise. I wasn't waiting for gifts or whatsoever. I was waiting for you to be proud that you love me. I was waiting for you to introduce me to your family. I wanted you to know my family, because maybe you'd be part of it, too. Was that too much to ask? I waited for more days, months because I thought that maybe you were busy or shy but I guess the wait was over.
I decided to tell you to stop courting me. I kept on saying sorry to you. Everything I told you was true. It's true that I realized you lacked on making efforts for me. It's true that it came to the point where I was thinking that maybe you didn't love me enough. But I lied about one thing. I lied when I told you I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with you. Because all I wanted was to be with you. I wanted to call you mine but I still chose to turn you down. How stupid of me right? Turning down someone I love? It seemed pointless. I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for hurting you. But I got mad at you. Why did you have to forward the message I sent you to all of your friends?
I was mad at you but I have to move on with my life. I had no news about you, which was a good thing because it helped me to not think of you. But then someone called me and told me you have a new girlfriend. I laughed and said "so what?" Honestly, it didn't really bother me but after a few months, I saw a picture of you with her and it hit me. I should have been the one in that picture with you. But no, you don't love me anymore. I had my chance to be with you but I turned you down. I was blaming myself. Maybe it was my entire fault. I didn't choose to look at your small efforts. Maybe I was too demanding. I blamed myself for not being with you.
The thought that it was all my fault kept on bugging me. But then I saw a post on Facebook saying that you should never give up your principles for a person. And I agree. I won't give up my principles for you or for anyone. I want someone who can love me just as much as I do. I remember myself always asking you when would you want to meet my parents. Then on my graduation, you came. But all you did was greet them and you left. You didn't even introduce yourself. That was the first and last time you met my parents and you counted that as an effort? I believe that it's easy to say "I love you" but it's all meaningless when you don't prove it. You didn't prove your love for me. It got easier for me to forget you, us, or whatever we had because I knew that there's someone out there who will do the things I wanted you to do. And I know that that someone will make me glad why we didn't work out.
Now, I stalked your profile again. I wanted to know what's new with you. You changed your profile picture. It was a picture of you and her. You two looked so happy together. It made me think. You weren't like that with me before. You couldn't even post a picture of us on Facebook because you said your relatives would see it and they would tease you. It's like you were ashamed of me. Did you really love me? I know you can't read this. I know it won't even matter.
I know I'm more than a year late but I just want to say I'm sorry for lying to you that I wasn't ready. I 'm sorry for being mad at you for a long time. I'm sorry for being bitter that I criticized you and your girlfriend. I wanted to talk to you to have real closure to whatever it was that we had. But your picture with her says it all: You're happy now and I should be, too. Always know that you'll always have a special space in my heart.
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