Someone once told me that you'll find the equilibrium between love and hate and it'll get better. It got me thinking though, how can you find that equilibrium when your thoughts, feelings, and emotions can't be put into words in the first place? When someone's making you crazy and making you feel like it's your fault? When you're in pain and inevitably hurting?
I can still remember the first time I had let my guard down. I've come to realize that letting your guard down to someone is putting your whole self at risk. I know the repercussions, yes, but being the stubborn one I followed my heart. I can still remember those days. Him, keeping me anchored and I'm at my happiest. Little did I know, like how anchors work, it's either they'll keep you afloat or they will pull you down with them and unfortunately he chose the latter.
At first, I was really sure but he had planted a seed of doubt in my mind that left me questioning what my role in his life was way back. But if you'll ask me, he's my significant other, my anchor, my everything and I love him for that. I'm unofficially his. Too bad he left my heart in the gutter. Sickeningly cliché, isn't it?
I hate him for leaving me hanging just like that. I hate him for breaking me beyond repair. I hate him for ignoring me like I'm just a complete stranger to him. I hate him for getting my hopes up for nothing. I hate him for making me worried and staying up all night just thinking about his whereabouts. I hate him for saying the he loves me and yet he chose to let me go. I hate him for making me constantly wanting him that sometimes I find it hard to breathe. I hate him for easily throwing it all away. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate him. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all and I hated him for that. I hate him because I love him too much to hate him.
I hate him because I love him too much to hate him.
Confusing, I know. Because some things you don't easily forget just like I am never going to forget him and I knew that from the very first day I met him. Because there will always be triggers, things that make me remember him. And while writing this, I suddenly had an epiphany. We'll never forget and that's fine. Maybe, the equilibrium between love and hate isn't to forget but to forgive. Because some wounds will never completely heal and some things you will never forget but they make you stronger, wiser, braver, and give you the courage to fall in love again.
Because some wounds will never completely heal and some things you will never forget but they make you stronger, wiser, braver, and give you the courage to fall in love again.
Sent in anonymously. Got your own story to tell? Submit your feels! We'd love to hear what you have to say. If you're lucky, you just might get published in this space, too! Please indicate if you want to remain anonymous. We're also looking for artwork and illustrations to use with the stories, so please send some in if you want to be featured! Please send original, unpublished work only.